The five stages of sports grief
Sorry for the delay on this one. I’m just getting out of bed to start the day and holy shit it’s tomorrow.
Yeah, I may have been a bit depressed today.
If you read the Liver regularly or just take a passing glance at me at any given time, it’s patently obvious that I’m obsessed with Boston sports. I go to as many games as I can, I spend half my day pouring over stats, and I have my t-shirts organized by team.
I truly don’t know what to do with myself if there’s a day without any of my teams playing.
Which is why this is an exciting time of year for me. The Bruins and Celtics are both in the playoffs, the Sox are in full swing, and football is starting to come back into view.
But then yesterday happened.
The Boston Bruins, a team whose entire historic season I’ve watched as intently as I imagine a parent would their newborn, lost. In the first round. To the Florida Panthers. After being up 3-1 in the series. And leading Game 7 with a minute left. After literally the best regular season in hockey history. What the fuck.
In probably the most puzzling loss of my lifetime, the Bruins fell to the most irrelevant franchise in all of major sports purely because they just forgot how to play hockey. And now their season is over. Just like that.
I, like most of my fellow Bostonians, am sad, angry and confused at our sudden downturn in fortune. We’re going on 4 years without a major sports championship. That’s a lifetime in this city.
So now, perhaps in an effort to heal my city and myself, I want to lay out a process that I rarely have to use in Title Town. It’s my patented 5 stages of sports grief.
Yes, a devastating sports loss requires a grieving period in much the same way as a human loss. Probably more so in many cases. Who did you honestly care about more? The team you followed every day for 9 months or the weird great aunt you met a dozen or so times who always smelled like menthol and kept calling you Stevie when your name is Jeff.
Anyways, I hope these steps help you find some semblance of peace in this trying time.
STAGE 1: Eat/drink your feelings
Really important not to skip this step. A lot of so-called mental health “professionals” will tell you that food and alcohol is an unhealthy coping mechanism. That you need to find “positive” outlets for your feelings like gardening or whatever the fuck.
Hard no.
Never, never, never confront your emotions directly. You need to shove those feelings down with as much food and drink as you can. For my part, I walked directly from my brother’s apartment to Bova’s bakery and spent $21 on enough dessert to push someone over the line from pre-diabetes to full blown ‘betes.
I also made the trek in the rain while wearing flip flops which really added to the sadness of the whole thing.
STAGE 2: Call for everyone on the team to be cut
Ok, you’ve suffocated your emotions with booze and sugar. Your brain is working at maybe half speed. Your other organs at a fraction of that. Good. You’re ready to turn your attention back to the team.
Immediately, regardless of injuries, how well the team played all year, or any other extenuating factors, demand that the team be blown up.
I don’t care if your team lost in triple OT of Game 7 of the Finals and nearly pulled it out against a better team. They lost and therefore they’re garbage.
The Bruins this year set the all-time NHL record for wins and points in a regular season, and all sorts of other individual records. Their first year coach seemed to make the most of his group of talent during the regular season and has the love and trust of his team. And the GM made some shrewd deadline moves to bring in even more talent for a big playoff push.
Don’t care. They lost. Fire them. Fire the whole front office. And cut the following players based on 3-7 games of shitty play and for the following knee jerk reasons:
Charlie McAvoy, D - Played like an asshole in Game 7.
Linus Ullmark, G - Played like an asshole for 6 games and kept trying to play through injury like a hero asshole.
Tomas Nosek, LW - Not entirely sure what he does. Think he wins faceoffs occasionally?
Nick Foligno, LW - Super old. Not positive he can skate.
David Krejci, C - Somehow older than Foligno.
Hampus Lindholm, D - Forgot how to play hockey. Not built for the playoffs.
Dmitry Orlov, D - Russian, kind of sketchy.
Connor Clifton, D - Was directly responsible for like 17 goals this series with shitty turnovers.
Derek Forbort, D - One of those guys who’s just out there cause he’s big. Contributes nothing.
Pavel Zacha, C - I didn’t like his passing in one of the games. Not entirely sure why he’s on this list tbh, but he’s cut.
Connor Clifton, again - He just committed another turnover.
AJ Greer, LW - The neutron of hockey players. Doesn’t add or detract anything from the team. Cut.
STAGE 3: Lash out online
You’ve likely already lashed out in real life by throwing a beer can at the wall or destroying your own property, but that’s not enough.
Now that you’ve calmed down physically, you need to take out your leftover energy on anyone who mildly rubs you the wrong way online.
Take my pal Connor here. He decided to gloat about Boston’s sports shortcomings over the past few days because his teams aren’t good enough to win anything ever (Falcons fan) so he can only find joy in our misery. I would wipe the tears away from my eyes but championship rings occupy every finger + two on my toes.
Anyways, I lashed out.
It’s important to acknowledge that you’re lashing out so it can never be used against you at a later date. Hurt people hurt people. I'm also beefing with Skittles.
None of my homies fuck with Skittles. We all ride for Starburst.
STAGE 4: Lie to yourself about how this is actually a good thing
Do you have any idea how long a playoff run takes in hockey? We’re talking 3 straight months of stress and planning your entire life and happiness around hockey games. And at the end of all that, you might STILL not win the Cup.
Who needs that headache in your life? Not this guy.
With the Bruins out early, I have all the time in the world to focus on growing my career, or getting serious about my health, or picking up a new hobby. I’ve mocked up a short list of possible uses of my newfound free time:
Read - Lot of good books I have time for now. If I still know how to, reading could be a good option.
Diet & Exercise - Told my buddies I’m actually excited about having an excuse to throw myself into exercising and eating right. I subsequently slept till 10 and ordered Chicharron on UberEats, but those 15 minutes of enthusiasm were real.
Become a Twitter reply guy - It takes up a ton of time and allows me to pretend that I’m making a difference. Who else will call a random congressperson from Michigan a bloated corporate-owned piece of shit in response to a post wishing everyone a happy Flag Day?
Try and remember what my hobbies are outside of sports - I want to say that I was into cooking? Think I had a brief stint in horticulture there too but may have dreamt that.
(We both know I’m just going to gamble more apathetically but it’s nice to dream).
STAGE 5: Move on to the next team
Your journey is almost complete. The Bruins are out. It’s over, and you’ve accepted that you won’t see them again until October. Time to turn your attention to a team that still has a shot at a title like yourrrrrrrr Bostonnnnnn Celticccc…goddammit.
Well how about your Bostonnnn Red Soxxxxx:
In the hunt baby! #4 in the Division, but #1 in your hearts! It’s the Sox time to shine.
Alright, I’m back and feeling better than ever about my teams! If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and see if Zyn makes a cyanide flavor. In summation:
