Words to Live(r) by aka my personal maxims
I think Michael K. Williams (RIP) said it best in the Wire, a show I’ve never seen but for some reason can quote reasonably well, “a man’s gotta have a code.”
A code. A set of personal maxims or mantras that guide you in every day life. Something like ‘start every day with a smile’ or ‘if you kill an enemy, you must kill his entire family so that they don’t come and seek vengeance.’
(Machiavelli was extreme, but you have to admit there’s some logic there).
Some of history’s most prominent figures are widely known for their maxims and actually wrote entire manifestos outlining these beliefs — Karl Marx, the Unibomber, Hitl… you know what I’m going to go ahead and stop with the examples.
Thankfully, my personal maxims have very little to do with controlling the means of production and absolutely nothing to do with eugenics. Instead, I focus on some core tenants that I like to live my life by.
These maxims were compiled through years of observation and internal reflection, or, in a few cases, as a result of hastily conjured half thoughts from an hour ago that I needed to fill out this blog. Here’s my top 10 personal creeds.
Words to Live(r) By
1. I will never turn down bacon-wrapped scallops when offered.
I feel like you really only get these at a catered function like a cocktail reception or a rich kid’s high school graduation party, but I will take full advantage every time I see them.
The key is to get kind of cozy with the waiter who’s serving them and then hang by the kitchen door in anticipation of their arrival. Little pro tip to establish yourself as the alpha-fatass at a wedding.
2. If I pass a liquor store doing a tasting of anything, I will always go in
You don’t turn down free booze in this life, you just don’t. Idc if it’s a new seasonal beer or some bullshit brand of vodka that allegedly hydrates you while you drink it. (This was cap — it gave me diarrhea and I fell asleep fully clothed lying horizontally across my bed).
I also like to ask the rep some bullshit questions if the product is theirs just to make them feel good.
“Do I detect a little bit of juniper in there?”
“Bro this is plain vodka.”
Finally, I’m not saying you have to buy the product, but if you do, make sure to hold the bottle up to the guy as you’re leaving and throw in a cordial comment like “guess you sold me” or “think I found my new brand” even though you know that’s going to be the bottle you put out at parties when you don’t really like the guests.
3. I don’t fool around when it comes to fooling around
Ironically, one of the only things I take seriously in my life is making comedy. Hence the mantra of this blog, “we take silly seriously.”
4. If I go to 7/11, I’m leaving with 1 of 3 things: Zyn, Slurpee, Scratchers
You need to take advantage of the scummy nature of convenience stores. It’s not like you’re going in there to buy ingredients for a balanced breakfast. At best, you’re buying gummy worms and a soda that’s a color which doesn’t exist in nature.
May as well lean all the way in and get yourself a frozen treat, or a nicotine product you’re positive is bad for you but you can’t pinpoint exactly how so you just keep doing it, or literal free money in the form of scratchers. Scratchers are a better investment than a Roth — quote me on that.
5. Smoking is ok if you space it out enough
I don’t smoke. Can count on one hand the number of cigs I’ve ever smoked in my life. Never been a weed guy and certainly don’t vape. Cigars are my one ashen indulgence and even those I have only four times a year at most.
And let me be clear: I don’t advocate regular smoking. It’s bad for your lungs and causes all sorts of problems down the line.
Buuuuutttttt… sometimes an opportunity arises.
Maybe your buddy wants to celebrate his grad school acceptance at a cigar bar.
Or a guy you met 5 minutes ago at a party wants to thank you for having him by sparking up a doob.
Or you’re drunk on the streets of NY at 4AM and you need a cig to compliment your chopped cheese sandwich.
In those totally hypothetical instances, it would behoove you to have a smoke. This is why it’s ok to smoke as long as you space out the smoking sessions. If you have that cig in NY, you don’t smoke anything until 3 months later when your buddy invites you to the cigar bar.
Your lungs, like your liver, will reset back to normal if you give them a break*.
*(Legally required to inform you that this is patently medically false).
**If my mom is reading this, it’s a bit. Do not attempt to call me and re-summarize the DARE program.
6. Always push the grocery cart into the cart return area from distance
I try to always put the grocery cart in the designated cart return section because it’s easier on the poor minimum wage kid who has to go fishing those out of various parking spots.
Having said that, it’s kind of a haul to get over to those things depending on where you parked. So I always get just close enough that I can shove the thing and it will smash into the other carts in the return. Sometimes yell “Kobe” (RIP) when I do it.
7. Short of an urgent family/friend matter, playoff sports take precedent over all else
I’m a psychotic sports fan, but not to the extent that I’d miss like the birth of my kid or skip a major family function. But if it’s the playoffs and you want me to go do anything but watch the playoffs, it’s not going to happen. And let’s be honest, if the Pats were in the Super Bowl and my wife was giving birth, the game would be on in the delivery room.
8. Never trust a person who has sports allegiances to multiple cities
If you grew up in Boston, you should root for Boston teams. The obvious exception is if one of your parents is from somewhere like Michigan and raises you to be a fan of those teams.
That’s fine, but you have to commit to rooting for Detroit teams. You can’t be like “oh well I like Detroit for hockey and baseball, but I’m a huge Celtics guy.” No! Pick a fucking lane.
The absolute worst is the guy who just roots for every team that was big in the 90s. The Yankees, Lakers, Cowboys fan is an abundant breed.
9. I’ll bet on anything
There’s no reason to limit yourself to “conventional betting” i.e. sporting events or games of chance. A true gambler finds things to bet on even where there are no sports or casinos to be found.
For instance, in college my buddy and I were bored during marketing presentations so we started betting the over/under on presentation times for each group. We were the only ones enthused during that entire class.
10. Anyone who tries to get to their seat in the middle of a play should be banned from the stadium
Probably my biggest pet peeve on Earth — showing up to your seats at a sporting event in the middle of the game. Unless you’re at a soccer match, I promise you there will be a break in the action in mere moments. American sports love commercials. Just wait until nothing is happening in the game and THEN take your seats.
I was at Fenway recently and Shohei Ohtani comes up to bat. Most electric player in baseball right now. One of those guys you’re going to tell your kids you saw play live.
Just as he steps into the box, these four obnoxious people, none of whom were wearing Sox shit, come meandering into the aisle with plastic cups of wine and a fucking popcorn helmet.
And they’re really milking this procession down the row.
One lady is telling her friend the least funny story ever and seems incapable of walking whilst talking.
Meanwhile, her husband and I are just jamming our fat fucking stomachs into each other like we’re turkeys trying to bang.
And while this entire circus is happening, Shohei rips a single that I didn’t get to see cause these casuals have no sense of the moment.
Then like a week later I’m at a Bruins playoff game and some lady comes ripping down the aisle but then just stops and fucking stands there without a care in the world.
She’s doing this for about a minute, directly obstructing everyone’s view when somebody finally chimes up. She doesn’t respond. I say something. Nothing in return. Finally some drunk Dorchester-sounding guy yells loud enough and she turns around startled.
She somehow had no idea that what she was doing was a problem. Everyone advised her (pretty politely I must say given the circumstances) to stand literally anywhere but the fucking aisle.
Her response was essentially that she didn’t want to make people get up during the play. So to avoid blocking the view of maybe two rows of people momentarily while you go down the row, your plan was to stand in the dead center of the aisle and block off half the ice for an entire section? Well done.
How about wait at the top of the concourse like everyone fucking else and return to your seat when you hear a whistle.
Should be an automatic one-month ban.
Those are the basic tenants by which I live my life. If anyone needs life coaching, I charge a preposterous hourly rate for several months before eventually telling you to just quit your job.
