Power ranking the biggest assholes at the 2023 Met Gala
Ah the Met Gala. The yearly reminder that some people will always be richer and better than you.
It’s the event of the season in New York, where a seemingly randomly selected assemblage of characters ranging from A-list athletes to like the 4th funniest person on SNL come together for a night of…actually I have no idea.
What actually is the Met Gala? I’ve always imagined it to be an opportunity for society’s most beautiful people to swim in a pool of orphan blood and talk about how good they look naked, but that can’t be right.
Is it like a dinner where they eat the last of a species? Like we’ve thrown in the towel on trying to save the spotted leopard so here it is served over a purple cauliflower puree.
I could also see it being one of those out of touch fundraisers where the elite try to make themselves feel grounded by supporting a super vague cause. Like all proceeds from the night go to Africa — just the whole continent.
Regardless, it’s an event that has always fascinated me and actually served as part of the impetus for the Fatty Liver. You see, as I scrolled Twitter a few years back and looked at photos from the event, I was enthralled with the outfits.
From Kim Kardashian doing nylon blackface, to AOC wearing a “Tax the Rich” dress to an event that costs $30,000 a ticket, I was hooked instantly.
I knew from that moment that I had to have an outlet to share my thoughts on the absurdity of the ultra-rich. To dissect and evaluate this so-called “fashion” and ultimately pass judgement on the stupidest looking people.
Unfortunately my laziness won out and I didn’t create the blog until a year and change later. BUT the idea remained with me. And now I’m happy to post the first iteration of what I think is going to be my favorite recurring blog.
Ladies and gentlemen: it’s time to power rank the biggest assholes of the 2023 Met Gala.
10. Marc Jacobs
There’s just something about this Marc Jacobs fella. I don’t like the cut of his jib. He comes in wearing clothes he made himself like he’s the poor kid who can’t afford a costume for the school play. And on top of that, it’s just a comically oversized suit.
I don’t know if big suits are back in-style these days, but the dude looks like if Charlie Chaplin attended the 2003 NBA draft. Also if you’re going to go with the slicked-down oily looking Chaplin hair, at least have the courage to do the Hitler stache too. Fashion is about tasking risks Marcus!
9. Janelle Monáe
Well first off, kudos to Janelle for looking like that. That’s why she’s at the Met Gala and I’m blogging from a bed where half the duvet is off. She’s also super talented and I’m a moderately funny smartass, but I digress.
I’m a fan of hers and don’t want to hate, but she’s wearing one of those pop-up soccer nets that kids play on before they’re big enough for real goals. Just calling it like I see it.
8. Jeremy Strong
Nothing is actually wrong with his fit here, though he does look like an assassin who relies only on archery. Our good pal Jeremy cracks the list because he was definitely the most insufferable guy to be around at this thing. The theme of the event was an homage to late designer Karl Lagerfeld, which is a shitty theme to start with. You want to honor Lagerfeld? Take a shoey out of some Chanel boots.
Anywho, I just know Strong had some God awful commentary about the whole thing:
“Wow, no, yeah it’s all just super powerful. It’s almost as if Karl is here now with us. Not his physical vessel obviously, but like his ethereal energy is just floating everywhere. I was talking to my shaman earlier and he told me to just inhale each little moment and hold it inside until I’ve absorbed Karl’s complete gestalt”
7. Alexa Chung
First off, who is Alexa Chung? Secondly, the literal first words that came to mind when I saw this fit were “little bo peep.” I’m fashion illiterate and I’m sure it’s actually a lovely dress, but she looks like a lamb. It’s like something you’d wear if you were getting baptized as an adult.
6. Pedro Pascal
Ahh this one breaks my heart. Big Pedro Pascal fan — love his acting and his general vibe. But wtf is this dude? You look like Little Red Riding Hood’s pimp. You look like if Eloise grew up and transitioned.
That shade of red is just far too bright. Draws all the attention to your weird knees. Also, mid-calves coming out of the boots is such a bad look. Clean it up PP.
5. Bad Bunny
What the hell even is this? This is like what a lazy flower girl would drag down the aisle.
As a general rule, you never want to be the guy/gal with the really long accessory. It inconveniences everyone and brings the whole procession to a screeching halt. Every time you go anywhere, everyone else has to take baby steps like 100 feet back of you.
Also why do you want that thing dragging around? It probably cost a good deal of money no? Now it’s just dragging through a chalky mess of cocaine and James Corden’s sweat. Those flowers won’t be white for very long. That carpet looks like it just hosted the Iowa state wrestling tournament.
4. Dwayne Wade
D-Wade is looking more like D-bag with the needless indoor gloves.
He’s giving me major “bouncer at a bar for leather daddies” energy. He’s got a real “flight commander for storm troopers” thing going on. Don’t like the big jacket he’s only wearing on his shoulders either. Looks like a quarterback on the sideline during a cold weather game.
3. Olivier Rousteing/Jeremy Pope
Again who in the hell are these people? Are these people I should know? Literally never heard either of these names until just now.
Either way, we got a Karl-off brewing here. The top guy is either chirping or paying homage to Lagerfeld — didn’t bother to research it so no way of knowing which it is. Bottom dude meanwhile killed about half the sheep in Scotland to put together a fuzzy mural of the dead designer.
Both of these are blatant kiss ass moves and I for one won’t stand for it. You want to really embody the spirit of the dead? Come dressed as a zombie with a weird ponytail who keeps groaning racial slurs. Or better yet, exhume Lagerfeld’s actual corpse and wear the suit he was buried in, dirt and all. Maybe carry his skull like you’re Hamlet. That’s how you make a statement.
2. Doja Cat
Get it? Cause she’s a cat!
Do you think the stylist doing her makeup reconsidered her career at any point? Like you worked your ass off to be in a position where you can style the most influential people on earth and you’re stuck turning a rapper into a cat like you’re a face painter at a kid’s birthday party.
How is this even on theme? Apparently Lagerfeld really loved his cat? Ok, cool I look forward to the George Chunias themed Met Gala where everyone is wearing Patriots jerseys and shame-eating McDonalds.
Also, BRUTAL look for Doja Cat that she wasn’t even the most notable cat of the evening…
1. Jared Leto
Jared Leto was absolutely built for this shit. The Met Gala is his Super Bowl and he’s Tom Brady. Just when you think he’s got nothing left in the tank, he hits you with another banger. In this case, he stunted on everybody even further by dropping two banger outfits. I’ll get to the obvious one in a second, but need to do some rapid fire jokes on the first:
He looks like if Darth Vader’s son come out as bi
He looks like he’s playing the lead role in a movie called Lord of the Cock Rings
He looks like if Jon Snow was named the King in the South
Ok, I’m done. Now onto the giant cat. What a fucking fit. Why it needed to be that realistic is beyond me, but credit where it’s due for the effort. You wear that thing to a furry convention and you are rolling in literal tail. Guy looks like the final boss in a video game for dogs.
My hat’s off to you Mr. Leto. You routinely dress like an enormous asshole, but my God if you aren’t the best at it.
PS. Yes, I saw Lil Nas X’s fit. He looked fucking sweet tbh. That dude can pull off anything.
Double PS. How did Shai-Gilgeous Alexander get invited to this thing? Kinda negates the whole elite of the elite thing when you got OKC Thunder players showing up.
