Phone it in Friday
I haven’t done one of these in 3 weeks? Wow, time really flies when you’re trudging through the tedium of every day life, existentially assessing your own insignificance in the grand scheme of the universe as you feel your relevance fading with each passing moment having fun.
Let’s just stick with the sad life snippets for a while. There’s always a shocking amount of them.
Sad life snippets
Was in line at the coffee shop the other day and there was a really cute intellectually impaired kid ahead of me with his father. While his dad ordered, the kid went down the line sticking out his hand and introducing himself with enthusiasm. He literally went to every single person in line — except for me. Granted I had just finished a bike ride and was sweating my balls off and likely had resting dick face because my 12 body braces were causing chafing but still. I’m a friendly guy. Would have been nice to be engaged.
It’s been punishingly hot out where I live lately and I sweat a ton in humidity. It’s not even a big boy thing — I’ve been a heavy sweater since high school when I was in relatively good shape. As a result, I usually sweat through workout shirts when I do my daily walk. This would be fine except for the fact that my body appears to be contoured in a such a way that my sweat pattern sort of forms a dick.
Was at the beach down the Cape over 4th of July weekend and me and the fellas were doing some wiffleball batting practice. These two kids who were maybe 11 or 12 come up and ask to play with us. Anyways, long story short one of them rung me up looking.
This is probably TMI but I’ve been a tad blocked up lately and I think a healthier diet is to blame. Most of my meals lately have been vegetable heavy with healthy carbs and protein peppered in. Super balanced. Yet my stomach has been giving me shit for weeks (metaphorically, I wish literally). This never happened when I subsisted on McDonalds and Dunkin breakfast sandwiches just saying.
^ To remedy that situation I put miralax in a Dunks iced coffee. It felt redundant but it got the job done
When I’m out on my walks I’ve noticed that women seem to avert their gaze when I’m walking past them and it’s starting to hurt my feelings. Maybe they’re just being polite, but they’ll look up at me and then dart their gaze away as if they didn’t like what they saw. One girl literally stopped to smell flowers in a window box rather than make eye contact. Are they intimidated by my mass? Hard to say.
I throw out a shocking amount of boxers and socks because I tear holes in them when putting them on. I’m apparently a very forceful dresser.
Here’s a billion dollar idea: invent some sort of elevator button sequence that un-presses the button. Like when you tap your AirPods three times to rewind a song. I go to the wrong floor way too often.
Was at the roof deck of a Mexican restaurant and was sharing a fond memory of a friend who unfortunately passed away some years ago. Tried to pour one out for him but I was drinking a frozen margarita so it didn’t work.
Have a great weekend everyone! I have to ride a bike a very long distance in preparation for next weekend when I ride said bike an even longer distance.
