The Fatty Liver fixes concerts
I’m aware this is a very unpopular take, but I’m not a concert guy. Never have been. Don’t like having to stand. Don’t like super loud noises. Don’t particularly care for hippies. It’s just not my scene.
Now I fully get the appeal of seeing a super famous band or singer because that’s a unique experience and they usually make more of a spectacle of it. Like when Ozzy Osbourne is on-stage biting the heads off bats, I understand why people are into it. It’s a novelty. It holds your attention. You’re eager to see a man possibly contract rabies. Or if you go to a big concert like T-Swift once a year and make a huge thing out of it, I get that too.
It’s the people who go to a million random concerts throughout the year that I don’t understand. Everyone has a friend who is always going to a concert in a club you’ve never heard of to see a band that might be made-up.
“Yeah dude I drove up to Vermont to see Ban Halen at the Velvet Closet. They’re pretty dope, they’ll play any song except for Van Halen. Kind of the opposite of a tribute band. The club is crazy famous too — Steven Tyler took a piss on the side of the building in ‘78”
But yeah, in general I just don’t get spending money to crowd in somewhere and watch something you could just listen to in your ca…wait I’m also describing sports. Alright scratch this entire argument. I’m just being a hater for comedic effect. I’ve only been to maybe 5-6 concerts in my life so my sample size is too small to judge. I’ve seen, in order:
The Killers - dope show
The American Idol Season Five Finalists Tour - Not worth a trip to Mansfield. Then again, what is?
AC/DC - Huge classic rock guy and a unique experience so it was sick
Zac Brown Band - Only guy there who didn’t know any of the lyrics
The Interrupters - Had never heard of them before but have some notes
This band sounded like they were writing the soundtrack for a movie about roller derby
They sounded like if Smash Mouth smoked a ton of cigs
Their lyrics sounded like they were written by a ChatGPT program just working off the word ‘anti-establishment’
Their songs seemed like what you would hear on the options menu of Tony Hawk Pro Skater
They were songs that would play as the backdrop to a beach volleyball tournament
It’s been a mixed bag with concerts is my point. So I didn’t know what to expect last night when my friend who is a girl drags me away from my air conditioned couch is nice enough to invite me to a cool (vibe wise, not temp) outdoor concert to prevent me from watching baseball shirtless get me to embrace a new experience.
As it turns out, the performer was crazy talented, the vibes were solid, and I had somewhere to sit so I ended up having a really nice night. However, because I’m a discerning asshole, I found that there were some aspects of the whole concert experience that could be improved. Here are my top 5, in no particular order:
Mandatory outfit monitoring
A great part of the environment at a sporting event is that everyone is wearing the home team’s gear so it creates a sense of camaraderie that allows you to unite against the opponent. The military uses a similar tactic to ensure that soldiers don’t view the enemy as people. While people do dress up for concerts, this one was a free for all. Half the crowd was a bunch of hippie burnouts wearing Phish shirts just begging for us to re-invade Vietnam so they have something to rally against again. Then there were a smattering of random basketball jersey frat boys. And finally, you had guys like me who were just covering their musical bases.
Pretty sick look right? Kind of just going for the general rock/concert vibe.
Some guy yelled “ZEPPELIN” at me and I threw him the Devil Horns. Think I might be a Devil Horns guy now. Anyways, all of the aforementioned styles are perfectly acceptable because it shows at least some thought was put into the fit. The people we can’t tolerate are the ones who just show up wearing whatever they had on that day. Don’t roll in here in your work polo flashing your company laminate. Throw on a fishnet tank top and a glow necklace. You’re at a concert now, show some respect.
2. Hot dog vendors
The problem with concerts is you don’t know when to make a food/beer run. What if you get up just as Billy Joel is playing Piano Man? You’ll never forgive yourself. Food vendors eliminate this problem. You can stay in your seat, vibe to every song, and enjoy a tasty treat. Will it be borderline impossible to yell loud enough to get the vendors attention? Definitely. But it’s just nice to know the option exists.
3. Legalize all drugs
In addition to not being a concert guy, I’m also not much of a drug guy. I will be doing a follow-up to this blog called The Fatty Liver Fixes George because wow am I fucking loser, but I digress. Anyways, even I will tell you that drugs are an essential part of the concert experience. Imagine going to a folk festival without getting high — that’s essentially just meditating. So my proposal is simple: legalize the sale of all drugs within the confines of the concert hall. We can control dosage so it’s safe, enable people to do something they were already doing, and offer a special munchies menu at the concessions stands. I pretty much exclusively stick to booze, but if presented the opportunity to sit in a field and hear colors, you bet your ass I’m doing it.
4. Create a cool down area or “Chill Zone”
This is definitely a fat guy thing, but concerts, both indoor and out, tend to get way too hot. Too many people packed into one place and the sun is a brutal factor for summer jam sessions and festivals. I know the impact of a humid day better than most. Some idiot gave me a pat on the back yesterday as I walked past him to my seat. Might as well have slapped the surface of a pool. As such, I propose that every concert have a chill zone where sweaty patrons can re-charge in comfy chairs, surrounded by mist fans. There is also a company that makes ice benches, aka you sit on giant blocks of ice. I would like those in the chill zone as well.
5. Need additional forms of entertainment
My second biggest gripe about concerts behind a lack of seating room is the fact that I don’t know what to do with myself while the concert is going on. Do I dance? Do I sway? Do I close my eyes and nod solemnly? I wanted to look at my phone but I felt it would come across as rude to the performers, plus there was no service anyways. After one song, I had a beer in one hand and couldn’t clap so I just threw up the Black Power sign. I’m out of my depths and literally don’t know what to do with my hands.
Also, am I just supposed to stare up at the stage for 3 hours? They’re still going to be playing every time I look up there. Oh wow he switched his guitar for a different guitar, what a moment. It doesn’t exactly draw the eye. We need a few additional sources of entertainment to give our brains some diversity of stimuli. There were a couple tv screens to the right of the stage. They very easily could have thrown the Sox game on one of those screens. Or at the very least do a live look-in on another concert like you see at sporting events sometimes. “And we go live to Detroit, Michigan where the Foo Fighters are already underway and yep they’re playing Monkey Wrench again.” Just a little change of pace to keep the people engaged.
My correct solutions aside, I had a legitimately fun time at the concert. It was bluegrass music which is very useful for people with restless leg syndrome cause it just seems like we’re stepping to the beat. Plus, there was an old guy in front of me with a knee surgery scar who only stood up when a banger was about to come on. Dude was my canary in a coalmine. He rises up and you know some fire is on the way. Overall, the artist was dope. He did play like 8 songs about trains and I struggled to fit my robust undercarriage into the narrow confines of my seat, but otherwise no complaints at all about the night. Maybe I’m a concert guy now.
