Which of these animals are you going to war with?
Some iteration of this hypothetical has existed online for years, but it’s making the rounds again because someone re-posted some 10X, wake up at 3AM guy’s unoriginal Tweet:
You know I have to break it down. Let’s go animal by animal and analyze strengths and weaknesses.
50 Hawks
Fully get the appeal of the hawks. It gives you a unique arial attack and they gouge out the eyes of your opponents. Having grown up in the woodsy suburbs I’ve seen many a hawk and I can tell you they aren’t to be trifled with. One time there was a possum in my neighborhood and a bunch of us came out to see it. Suddenly, I heard a whooshing sound behind me, felt something scrape my back and the possum was airborne. A hawk had been stalking that thing from a tree above me the whole time and no one even noticed. Hell, you leave a baby unattended outside long enough and it’s going to be hawk food soon enough. So hawks, especially 50 of them, are a solid option. What I question is efficiency. A grizzly bear could be on me, ripping me to shreds before the hawks even have a chance to react. Crocs would just snap them out of the air. Sure, they would dominate the rats, but they can only carry one out of the arena at a time. With 50 hawks and 10,000 rats, the math just doesn’t work. Lot of questions with the avians.
10 Crocodiles
I watch a shocking amount of wildlife content on the internet and I can tell you crocodiles aren’t to be fucked with. They’re one of those animals where if you encounter them in the wild, you’re pretty much dead. Having ten of them on your side is a distinct advantage to be sure. Plus I like the idea of combining them with the last animal and doing a Hawks ‘N’ Crocs thing. And the fact that they come with their own armor — chainmail ain’t cheap. However, they have a few substantial drawbacks. They rely very heavily on the element of surprise. If you go near a body of water a croc is in, they will shoot out and deathroll you before you even know what’s happening. Out of water, they move fairly slow and struggle with lateral movement. Given the speed of the other animals, it’s a liability to have a stone-footed teammate out there who will succumb to any zigzagging pattern. Now if the arena features a giant murky pond in the middle of it, then crocs are an elite choice. But you can’t rely on some favorable Hunger Games-esque design when your life is on the line. Very environment-contingent choice.
3 Brown Bears
Now we’re talking. Grizzly bears are absolute tanks, with the males getting up to 1000+ lbs. My gf actually calls me a baby bear sometimes. It’s not a cute nickname, I just knock shit over a lot, have no awareness of my surroundings, and scratch my back against trees. Anyways, three of these things can inflict a world of damage on everything else in this arena. In fact, people forget that a grizzly gored/raped Leonardo DiCaprio so he could win an Oscar. I mean, just look at that Grizzly Man guy from back in the day. Dude lived with grizzlies every summer for a year, did everything he could to protect them, and they still ate him cause grizzlies don’t give a fuck. I’d probably request that their cubs be put at the far side of the arena too so they have added motivation. Gotta remember who you’re playing for. I wonder if I’d be able to sub one of the animals out for Memphis Grizzly Ja Morant. Get some guns on our side.
15 Wolves
Maybe the most underrated answer in this entire hypothetical. Wolves are pack animals so they’re natural teammates — great guys to have in the locker room. They hunt as a group so they could gang up and overwhelm some of the bigger animals. The challenge here is size. These guys are a fraction of the size of some of their opponents and would struggle to do significant damage, even in tandem.
1 Hunter w/Rifle
I have a buddy who says you need the hunter on your side cause he would just gun you down right away. Maybe if the guy has a Gatling gun and can just blow everyone away en masse. This is essentially Elmer Fudd we’re talking about. You think he’s going to even look at me when a gorilla is bearing down on him? All I have to do is stand behind a tree for 30 seconds, avoid two shots, then wait for this guy to fumble some shells and get mauled to death by a bear. Now if it’s a sniper rifle that’s a different story. But it would take a hell of a shot and a hell of a lot of ammo to get rid of the hawks and rats.
7 Buffalo
Buffalo are big boys, don’t get me wrong. I came within about 10 feet of one in the parking lot of Yellowstone and watched it run directly through a small tree and take its roots out of the ground without breaking stride. They’re strong as shit. But does that translate to this arena? I don’t think so. 90% of the animals in this fight are strong. The difference is many of the other ones have very sharp teeth. You can’t rely on muscle alone to win this one.
10,000 Rats
Everyone who lives in New York City perpetually lives in close proximity to 10,000 rats. I don’t see some hipster douche slam poet in Williamsburg successfully fighting a fucking gorilla. Picking rats is a pure volume play, but how much can they actually contribute? They could overwhelm one animal at a time and even then they would likely be little more than an impediment. The gorillas would just start smashing them into the ground and the bears/lions/wolves/crocodiles would eat them like a bunch of fat little hot dogs. Sidenote: bring back this show.
5 Gorillas
Gorillas are the jocks of the animal world. Pure muscle and absolutely run shit in the jungle. King Kong is the alpha of Skull Island and there are literal dinosaurs in that place. Plus they are fierce defenders of their family, or teammates in this case. Given that we’re from the same evolutionary chain, I like to think that we’d have an unspoken chemistry out there. Like Jordan and Pippen except one of us is capable of tearing limbs off of other beings.
4 Lions
Lions are a strong choice. Natural born hunters and a good combo of size and speed. The question is how valuable of an asset is speed in this arena? Presumably all the animals are standing their ground willing to fight so we don’t really need to run any of them down. I just question if this is the best place for their skillset.
My Squad
Gotta go with the big lineup of me, the gorillas and the grizzlies. Just a murderer’s row of pure power. I would catch hawks out of the air and stomp out rats while my fellow furry units take out the bigger predators. Once the hunter is dead I steal his gun and start blasting away at the crocs and wolves. Fuck the hour, I estimate we win in about 15 minutes.
Sound off in the comments with your team.
