PETA’s being weird again
There are very few things on this earth that can bring all of humankind together in solidarity, but a mutual hatred of the fucking weirdos at PETA is one of them.
In their latest over-the-top and wildly misguided effort to make people want to join their barnyard orgy, the organization dropped a real thought-provoking tweet.
What uh…the fuck guys?
You ever think there might be a middle ground between complete carnivorism and roast suckling toddler? Like maybe a few facts on the benefits of a more plant-heavy diet or something. Y’know, not like mass infanticide.
And look, everyone knows I’m a big “live and let live” guy. If you want to be vegan and bang goats and shit who am I to stop you? Plus, I’m actually a big advocate for sustainable hunting/farming, and not harming animals needlessly. Well, I’m not a big advocate. That would imply I do something to ensure it happens. But I’m passively in favor of it.
Regardless, at the end of the day…some animals are food. If you don’t want to get eaten, don’t have tender flesh and be easy to herd. Get a job and stimulate the economy then we might consider easing up on the slaughter.
PETA really just hurts their own cause with this shit. Do you know how bad I wanted steak after I saw this just to spite them? Hell, I’d consider eating that baby — it looks delicious frankly.
Actually, let’s break this whole photo down real quick.
I know why this chicken crossed the road: to go to 7/11 and exchange a bunch of crumpled $1s for a pack of Parliaments and some losing scratchers. Seriously though, why does it look a cigarette-addicted mother of 4 from Framingham? And also why tf did the artist include the nips protruding from the tank? Was this like arousing to them? What am I saying, of course it was.
Next up we got Peppa’s estranged, painkiller addicted older brother munching down on a micro-torso. Ignoring the fact that there’s no plausible way a pig could pick anything up with its hooves, why is it eating the full upper body? We don’t eat entire cow torsos, we break that shit up into its component parts. There’s simply no way that cooks evenly; completely different densities of fat and muscle in there. Also why is the torso kind of jacked? Isn’t that like a 4-week old?
That brings us to alpha-cow. We’ll get to the muscles in a second, but my biggest question is why is he the only one allowed to sit at the table? Is there some sort of farm animal caste system we aren’t privy to? Seems kind of against the whole animal equality thing PETA is always harping on. Or is he just so strong that he bullied the other two out of the only chair? He does kind of give the vibe of an abusive Italian husband in the 30’s. Like he eats first and they get the scraps. Probably why the pig is about to bite directly into a spinal column.
Finally, we’ve got the pièce de résistance, the feast itself. From a culinary point of view, I like the idea of separating the different cuts of infant onto their own plates. More aesthetically pleasing. I’d say my biggest question is why did we rob a maternity ward for this meal when a single adult human would feed you for weeks. Granted, I’m sure the baby meat is much more succulent, but you’re literally leaving so much meat on the bone. Kind of a frog legs situation.
Secondly, what’s the necessity of having the plates of all the loose body parts? You have the whole roasted baby — that’s the crowd pleaser. The rest of it is just, again literally, overkill. We don’t cook a turkey on Thanksgiving then serve it with a bunch of other pieces of turkey. Let’s get some sides in the mix. You’re gonna want some bitter greens drizzled with lemon and maybe a nice roasted potato. Need some acid to counter the richness of the baby face. Also get a gravy boat and make a nice jus with the infant drippings. Just make more of a complete meal out of it.
Finally, those limbs just straight up are not cooked. Look at the red muscle tissue on the side of the plated torso. That should be light pink and glistening. And if you’re gonna keep it whole like that, slow roast the thing and get it falling apart. You should be able to pull the AC Joint clean out of there. Credit where it’s due though, the whole baby is beautifully bronzed. I don’t know if that was spit-roasted or the kid was just like Cuban but the coloration is perfect.
PETA is truly the fucking worst.
