Onion Audition: Area man still fairly confident" he can reach Titanic in wooden barrel

NIAGARA FALLS — Despite the continuing saga of Titan, the submersible that went missing on Sunday en route to the sunken Titanic, a Niagara man is still "fairly confident" that he could reach the 111-year-old wreck if completely encased in a wooden barrel.

Jack Morstead, 22, believes that the Titan's present trouble is due to the composition of their vessel. "Every kid in Niagara Falls knows that a wooden barrel is the only way to safely travel down a body of water. If that thing can survive going over the falls into a bunch of rocks, I think it'll be fine going into the middle of the ocean where there's no rocks. Rocks are pretty much all you need to worry about with deep-sea exploration."

Morstead, a part-time lifeguard, seemed wholly undaunted at the prospect of plunging the 12,500 feet necessary to reach the recessed ocean liner saying, "The depth won't be a problem. I was swimming at Wasaga Beach last summer with my lacrosse team, and I was the only one who could touch the bottom of the lake — out of like 17 guys. I have a shell to prove it." While Morstead did produce a seashell, there was no way to determine if it had in fact originated in Lake Huron, which has a maximum depth of 751 feet, almost 17x less than that of the Titanic's resting place.

When asked how he plans to maintain sufficient oxygen levels during his journey, Morstead simply smiled and showed us a picture of a Bane mask. No formal voyage has been planned as of yet, but Morstead has confirmed that he has purchased a PS5 controller, which he will be using to pilot his wooden vessel.