Is this guy too hot to be a good head coach?

Meet Marcus Freeman. Marcus is the rookie head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. He also happens to be arguably the hottest guy alive:

I don’t like paying Notre Dame compliments of any sort, but holy shit look at that guy. You know that thing where a straight guys say, “I’m not gay, but…” when referring to an exorbitantly attractive guy like Zac Efron or Idris Elba? This isn’t even that. Like I think I’m just gay now.

There are two men in my life I’ve called daddy. My own father when I was 6 or ironically as an adult before bear hugging him with my 40 lbs weight advantage. And Marcus Freeman. Like if he spit on me, I think I would thank him. Look at this fucking guy:

But my desire to have him fat-shame me into shape aside, Freeman raises an important question: is it possible to be TOO hot to be an effective head coach. You see, the Irish have struggled this year (by Notre Dame standards. They’d be having a miracle season by BC standards). They started the year 0-2, including a loss to unranked Marshall, before reeling off 3 straight wins. But just as it looked like he was righting the ship, Freeman and Co suffered an embarrassing home loss to a Stanford side that hadn’t yet beaten a Division 1 team this season.

For a team that started the year ranked in the Top 10, Notre Dame’s ineptitude was puzzling to say the least. Until I started thinking about head coaches who have had success in football. They all have one major trait in common: they are all a dumpy, out of shape, mess of a human being. Take arguably the two most successful head coaches in the NFL for example:

My God aren’t they beautiful (metaphorically). You got Belichick, who doesn’t realize he can get brand new Patriots gear for free at any time and isn’t even aware that combs exist. Then you got ol’ Andy, steadily balding, rocking a Hawaiian that’s somehow too big for him because it’s comfortable and he gave up on his body in the 70’s. THIS is what head coaches are supposed to look like. How tf you expect to win when you spend your time in the gym “taking care of your body” or dressing like a “grown adult.”

Yes he looks like someone I want to verbally abuse me to the point of emotional devastation, but at what cost! You can’t have a head coach with healthy habits. You need a guy who essentially lives in a windowless office with no decorations except for the 45 Chinese food containers he’s had clogging up his desk and arteries since last season.

I’ve actually taken the liberty of inventing a chart to demonstrate the inverse relationship between physical attractiveness and coaching acumen:

You can clearly see that as your looks decline, you become a better head coach. So anyone who tries to argue with me, just know that you’re arguing against accepted scientific fact.

And don’t say, “oh well what about McVay? He’s hot and he won a Super Bowl.” McVay is not hot. He’s a nerd who discovered hair gel.

Now Kliff Kingsbury, he’s a good-looking dude. And look at him, terrible head coach. Somehow makes Kyler Murray and DeAndre Hopkins look bad.

Don’t get me wrong, Marcus Freeman seems like a very nice guy. Players love him, family man, knows ball, all that good stuff. But is that what you want in a coach? No, you want your coach to be a hard-ass piece of shit with sodium levels through the goddamn roof and a face redder than Rudolph’s nose because he drinks a fifth of scotch while watching film at 3AM and ignoring his family entirely. Hell, look at Freeman next to his predecessor Brian Kelly:

Freeman’s standing there, youthful, bright-eyed, rocking a nice watch, a winning smile, and a physique I want to chisel into marble so future generations may gaze upon it. In contrast, Brian Kelly is doughy, wearing a 2XL Q-zip to mask his burgeoning gut, hair combed to the side in a desperate bid to pretend he’s not balding, holding a piece of paper that has an equal chance of being a play sheet or a printed out Jimmy John’s menu, and a visor that says “I own property in Boca.”

Now Kelly is, by all accounts, kind of an asshole. And if you polled Notre Dame’s players, I’m sure they’d prefer Freeman’s style of uplifting them and remembering they’re 19-year old kids, to Kelly’s method of yelling at them in an ever-changing accent until he’s red(er) in the face.

But damn it, Kelly puts wins on the board. And I believe that’s due in large part to the fact that he looks like a walking advertisement for Lipitor. So in summation Marcus, just tone it down a touch. Get that cholesterol up, treat cardio like a 4-letter word, and start wearing a full tracksuit to work. I think you’ll see a noticeable difference on the field.