One thing I love this week: Aptly-named football players
Think it’s gonna be a big football week here at the Liver.
I try to take time for gratitude every day (hence this blog), and this weekend was a big one. As I was sitting with my family on Saturday watching Alabama-Tennessee, or sitting with my friends on Sunday watching Zappe Days light up the Browns, I experienced overwhelming gratitude.
Gratitude for the beautiful game of football. (And my loving family and supportive friends or whatever).
I’m one of those guys who legitimately tears up at football. Doesn’t even need to be a big moment or a touching tribute to a player I never knew existed until he recently died. I just love football. Also tend to drink a lot — have to think that plays a role.
But as I was watching random college games this weekend and subsequently losing every single bet, I realized one really specific thing, this week’s one thing I love:
When a football player’s name fits their position
It came about because of this young man 👇
That, ladies and gents, is West Virginia kicker Casey Legg. His real last name is Legg and he’s a kicker. How fun is that?! There are guys like Greg Zuerlein who is nicknamed “Greg the Leg.” But this kid’s God-given name is Legg. And here’s the thing: he backs it up. Dude literally hasn’t missed a kick all year.
It’s just one of those little things that makes you think there’s some larger plan at work in the world. That, or his parents had a very long-term branding strategy in mind for their kid and forced him to play the worst position in football. Either way, I love it!
But that got me thinking about some other aptly named football players. Here’s the list I came up with:
Skill Specific:
DeAndre Swift - RB, Detroit Lions
That’s a sick name if you’re a regular guy. It’s made even better when you’re one of the best backs in the NFL. Pretty much a no-lose pick for the Lions too. Either he’s filthy (he is) and you look like a genius for picking him, or he stinks (he doesn’t) and you have plausible deniability. The guy’s name is Swift, how could he not be fast?
Kenneth Gainwell - RB, Philadelphia Eagles
I mean can you ask for more out of a back than to gain well? This is a guy you know just eats up yards. It’s all upside for him as a young player. He has a quiet game, who cares? He’s not the lead back in Philly. But if he has a big game? Then everyone is jumping to make the gain well puns.
Michael Gallup - WR, Dallas Cowboys
Oh your wide receiver can run really fast? That’s cute. Ours gallops like a fucking racehorse.
Jawon Pass - Former QB, Louisville
Same thing as Casey Legg. Dude is a QB whose name is pass… I don’t even remember him being very good for Louisville, but he doesn’t really have to be. No coach is stupid enough to take out a QB named Pass.
Skyy Moore - WR, Kansas City Chiefs
You KNOW this guy gets up and wins the contested balls. He provides a boost to his QB’s confidence too (Mahomes really needs it). You can throw a ball up for grabs and know that he’s going to jump more into the sky than the DB.
Literally named for their position:
Cameron Dicker - K, Philadelphia Eagles
Old Cammy Dick would find immense success in the adult film industry with that name as well. But the fact that he’s a kicker named Dicker, c’mon. He had absolutely zero control over his destiny. He only ever had one lot in life.
Dee Liner - Former DL, Alabama
He’s a D-Liner who’s literally named Dee Liner. That one had to be deliberate. His parents force fed him to 300 lbs just to ensure this.
Quentin Jammer - Former CB, San Diego Chargers
A physical cornerback is going to jam the wideout at the line to prevent him from fluidly running his route. Hmmm…wonder who would be a good guy to do that?
Sound like they inflict pain
Darnell Savage Jr. - S, Green Bay Packers
Daron Payne - DT, Washington Commanders
Darius Slay Jr. - CB, Philadelphia Eagles
Whitney Mercilus - Former LB, Houston Texans
Junior Seau (say-ow) - Hall of Fame LB (RIP)
This harkens back to the De’Andre Swift thing. You can draft any one of these guys and no one will care if they’re busts. You want to build a hard-nosed defense that can win in the trenches? Ok, how about Savage, Payne, Slay, Mercilus, or a guy who’s literally letting you know he’s going to hurt you (say ow). All of those players are or were nasty and I fully believe their names have a lot to do with it.
Unfortunately named players
Yeah, the name thing swings the other way sometimes and you end up with a player who has a very ironic name for their position. Examples include:
Kenny Pickett - QB, Pittsburgh Steelers
I think the kid can play, but it has to give you pause drafting a QB named “Pick-it.” Should have been a corner.
Kyle Pitts - TE, Atlanta Falcons
Normally this name wouldn’t be a problem, just given how talented of an athlete he is. Unfortunately for Kyle however, the Falcons are the Falcons and don’t use him correctly, so he’s having a bad statistical year. Which leads smartass fantasy owners like myself to do things like this:
Yes I know my team sucks, I’m working on it.
Champ Bailey - Hall of Fame CB, Denver Broncos
No disrespect to Champ here at all. Had his jersey as a kid, and recognize like everyone else how phenomenal of a talent he was. Also recognize that his name is objectively sick. It’s only on this list because, through no fault of his own, Champ never won a championship.
Chance Poore - K, Kentucky
I mean…that’s just tough. The kid could be Justin Tucker and he’s not sniffing the field for my team with a name like that. Game is on the line and you’re going to trust the leg of Chance Poore? No chance. Case in point, he’s Kentucky’s backup.
Speaking of unfortunate kicker names, I give to you the GOAT ironic football name…
Chris Blewitt - K, Free Agent
Absolutely brutal line of work to pursue with that name. Again, you just can’t trot a guy named Blew it out there in a big moment. Doesn’t matter if he’s physically very talented. The name ruins it for him, and unfortunately, his stats bear that out. He was only a 69% (nice) kicker in college, then somehow got a shot in the NFL where he was 60% with three teams. And those three teams are the exact three dumb enough to sign a kicker named Blewitt: The Bears, Commanders, and of course, the Browns. Sometimes the name giveth and other times it taketh away. That’s just the luck of the draw.
