Fuck it, I’m running for mayor
I promised in the first edition of this blog that I would never discuss politics on here.
Why? Because it’s divisive, annoying, and frankly, beneath the standard of a blog filled with such nuanced topics as, “Is Marcus Freeman too hot to be a good head coach?” (Yes, I want him to choke me out with his whistle).
But sometimes, something hits a little too close to home. Sometimes, an issue arises that forces you to speak up and fight back.
I’m talking of course about the North End not being allowed to have outdoor dining this summer.
For those who don’t live in Boston, the North End is essentially Boston’s Little Italy, and, my current home. One of the highlights of the summer around here is sitting out on the patio tables and enjoying a nice Italian meal in the sunshine.
The only problem is the North End streets are very narrow. There’s already insufficient room for foot traffic so the outdoor dining tables have to be put on the edges of the street behind barricades. This of course means that during the summer, street parking goes away.
As a result, a select few narcs who live in the North End lobbied the mayor’s office to allow them to have their precious parking spots. Now while I do understand residents with cars being slightly annoyed at this, it’s kind of your fault for having a car in the least accessible part of the worst traffic city in the country.
Furthermore, I think it’s fully worth the minor sacrifice so that restaurants can make a little extra cash in the summer months and we can all enjoy a quintessential Boston experience.
However, Boston’s new-ish mayor Michelle Wu has sided with them and decided that outdoor dining is not allowed in the North End this summer UNLESS they can put the tables on the sidewalk without disrupting pedestrians. As this is virtually impossible everywhere in the North End, she’s essentially banning outdoor dining for the majority of restaurants here.
Now I don’t know much about this Wu character. Couldn’t tell you a thing about her or her policies other than she’s really big on making public transportation more affordable/accessible.
However, based on the fact that an entire red line route just stopped running for a few months recently, and that today I saw a city bus with a brick propped under its back wheel, presumably because Boston can’t afford E-brakes, I take it that plan isn’t going great.
Also why tf was a bus just parked on the street? Isn’t there like a depot of some sort they can go to in off hours?
Frankly, I didn’t realize we had a mayoral election until after she was elected. I’m also not entirely sure how or where I would even vote for mayor. And honestly, I didn’t really think it mattered much in Boston.
The archetypal Boston mayor is a guy like Thomas “Mumbles” Menino (RIP). Old Mumbles was just some sketchy townie-sounding dude who didn’t really do anything, didn’t seem particularly astute re: his surroundings, and routinely got local athlete’s names wildly wrong.
He was exactly what Boston needed in a mayor. Someone with a borderline incomprehensible accent who was just kind of there sometimes and didn’t rock the boat too much.
But Wu has chosen a different path. She and the city of Boston have opted to pick a fight with my neighborhood and the last people on earth I would ever want against me.
I can tolerate a lot of things. Fuck around with the MBTA all you want, shut down a major tunnel for lengthy roadwork, hell, close the schools for all I care.
But you don’t come after my ability to eat linguini near the street.
So with that, I am formally announcing my campaign for Mayor of Boston. I have no idea when the next election is/if I’m old enough to run. I also have very little financial backing and next to no knowledge of politics or how elections work.
But what I do have is heart. And unlike every politician ever, I’m honest. There’s no sugarcoating or bullshitting with me. I will be very clear with the people of Boston what my plans, goals, and intentions are.
For example, I’ll tell you right now that I have no plan whatsoever to address any of Boston’s actual issues. No clue how to do it, and I’m not particularly interested. Seems like a whole thing tbh. My mayoral platform will be mostly, if not exclusively focused on enhancing MY personal experience as a Bostonian.
I’m basing my campaign around four key pillars. These will be the four things that I will achieve in however long mayoral terms are. Once these pillars are completed, I will either resign or continue collecting the paycheck while playing GTA in my office.
1. Legalize bottomless brunch and happy hour
I’m pretty sure I could run and win on this alone. The fact that we don’t have bottomless brunch because some dude got housed and died in the 70s is a travesty. That was 50 years ago before phones and apps existed. Nobody who goes to brunch in Boston these days is driving home. They’re either walking, taking the T, or Ubering. As it should be. Drunk driving is no bueno. But getting blackout drunk at 10AM then safely returning to your domicile via public transport is muy bueno.
I’m pretty sure this was actually on the table last year, but got vetoed as part of Massachusetts’ long-term plan to do the opposite of what everyone wants/its own self-interest. Bottomless brunch is a huge no-brainer. It will make all the bars around here, and therefore the city, a shitload of money and will encourage 20-somethings to move here post-grad. In my term as mayor, I will ensure that everyone has the fundamental right to drink $20 bottomless mimosas for 6 straight hours.
2. Blow up the T
The MBTA is a problem that every Boston mayor ever has faced and unsuccessfully dealt with. Marty Walsh once came to give a talk at a company I used to work for, (still no clue why that happened, though I remember my boss being pissed at me for wearing a Pats jersey that day). Somebody asked him point blank, “why does the MBTA suck so much?”
As I recall, his answer was essentially “it’s a complicated question. There’s no easy answer.” Which I took to mean, “yeah…idk man.”
So my solution will be simple: we’re going to blow up the T.
I don’t mean reform the entire system and replace it with something better. I’m going to literally blow that shit up. We explode every single train so no one ever has to ride those fucking things again and have their ears bleed every time the train makes a slight turn because apparently track oil is too expensive.
Once the trains and the tracks are all gone, we will use the tunnels for something cool. My leading ideas are underground mall or glass ceiling aquarium you can view from all over the city. That’s free tourism revenue waiting to be collected. And I think to make it happen we just need to flood the tunnels, so should be pretty low overhead.
As for how people will get around the city, I’m proposing either adopting San Francisco style trolleys, rapid moving walkways in lieu of sidewalks, or an Inception-style train that runs directly through traffic.
3. Universal open container laws
(Yeah, most of my plans are geared towards making it easier to consume alcohol).
This one I really think has legs. Only a few cities in America allow open consumption of alcohol — New Orleans and Savannah to name a couple. But these places only allow it in certain parts of the city. As mayor, I’m letting you do that shit EVERYWHERE.
If you’re sitting in the park, watching your dumb kid be bad at going down a slide, you can crack open a cold one.
If you’re playing pickup hoops in Southie and fake an injury so people don’t realize how out of shape you are, you can take off your ball kicks, rest those swollen fat feet of yours, and enjoy a swig of whiskey.
Anywhere that you couldn’t drink before, you can now. It creates a buzz (pun intended) in and outside of the city, boosts tourism, and increases the happiness of the residents of the city of Boston. Hell, it might even start to justify the fucking rent prices around here.
4. Use the majority of taxpayer money on sports
We all pay taxes out of the ass to “improve the city,” but where the hell is the improvement?
Roads are shitty, construction projects take years, and half our buses catch on fire. No more throwing good money after bad. Under my leadership, the city of Boston will put your money to use on something we actually care about: sports.
We’re going to dip into the ol’ taxpayer till and use that money to circumvent league salary caps. You want Mike Trout on the Sox? No problem, here’s an extra $200M to add to the contract. This gives us an advantage that no other city has.
Also, I’m going to employ a very dictatorial approach to this program. Since the city of Boston is effectively investing in the local sports teams, I’ll be expecting a return on investment. So if the Sox decide to cheap out and try to “Moneyball” their pitching rotation again, I have the authority to take away ownership of the team.
Or if the Bruins sign yet another aging locker room presence who scores 4 goals in 82 games while boasting the third biggest salary on the team, I’m legally allowed to punch the GM repeatedly in the face.
These measures, while extreme, will ensure a consistent winning culture and allow the taxpayers to actually witness their money at work.
Also, regular season ticket prices have to be capped at $100 for all sports and stadium beer prices must be kept at $5 for standard domestic drafts and $6-8 for imported or craft beers.
There you have it. Vote Chunias in whatever year there’s a mayoral election next. And so help me God if any of you try to start a political conversation in the comments, I will ban you from reading this blog. No idea how I could logistically or legally do that, but I will find a way.
