The Lenten hack the Archdiocese doesn’t want you to know

The Lenten season is upon us, as signified by last week when we body shamed a Tuesday and demonstrated our faith on Wednesday by putting a charcoal plus sign on our foreheads.

Well, I shouldn’t say “our.” I’m Greek Orthodox — not Catholic — so we don’t really partake in the Lenten traditions. We’re a much lazier religion. We pretty much only go to church on Greek Easter, which is Easter that we moved a week out to say we created something new. Think of Greek Easter as the Pepsi to regular Easter’s Coke.

And even when we do go to church it’s impossible to follow what’s going on because the service is in half English and half Greek, and is drowned out anyways by the sound of old people crunching phyllo dough from the accompanying buffet.

The rest of the service is basically some dude in a robe whipping around a gold container of incense like a lasso, while mumbling something Biblical in Greek with his back to the crowd. That + eating dry pound cake with a quarter baked into it on New Year’s Day is the entirety of the Greek Orthodox religion.

But having gone through 8 years of Catholic school, learned the Our Father in 2 languages (not relevant, just a brag), and witnessed countless friends partake in Lent, I know my way around the tradition.

And having worked in the startup world for 2 years and been privy to thousands of terrible clickbait headlines like the title of this blog, I know how to hack Lent.

So with that said, here’s the Lenten hack the archdiocese doesn’t want you to know about:

Give up religion for Lent

I know what you’re thinking: “George, the whole point of Lent is to sacrifice an indulgence to prove your faith, not sacrifice the faith itself. Stop being sacrilegious for a comedic bit you ironically holier than thou prick.”

Very fair, well-written point. But hear me out on this. Religion isn’t as commonly practiced among our generation as the preceding one. So if you’re one of the people who has a strong enough faith background to adhere to the Lenten tradition, then your religion must be pretty important to you. And if your religion is important to you, it’s because it gives you a sense of belonging, meaning, and comfort. So wouldn’t giving up something that brings you comfort be considered an apt sacrifice for Lent?

You’re willing to go 40 days without a core part of your belief system. That’s a pretty big sacrifice from where I’m sitting. Of course Big Catholicism won’t admit to this because if everyone gives up their religion, they’re looking at cold pews and an empty collection basket in their busiest sermon season.

But I would argue that it’s a much more profound and noble sacrifice than giving up booze, soda, or chocolate for a month+. Also, why are you still drinking soda regularly? Are you 8?

So all I ask this Lenten season is that you give it a try. Go out there and commit 4 or 5 of the deadly sins.

Envy the guy down the street who makes six figures and drives a corvette.

Take your gluttonous ass to a Golden Corral buffet and go to town on some coconut shrimp.

Let wrath overtake you and punch a wall when your team loses a big game.

Take some pride in your appearance and accomplishments (not entirely sure why this one is bad).

Or just covet the shit out of your neighbor’s hot wife.

There are really no wrong answers when the goal is immorality. If you do the whole sinning thing right, after 40 days, you’ll be overweight, physically ill, and probably poor.

But above all, you’ll feel guilty as hell. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what Catholicism is all about? Happy Lenten season to you all and a very happy pre-Easter.