Tommy Devito’s agent looks like…
By now, I’m sure you’re aware of NY Giants new starting quarterback Tommy Devito. If you’re not, here’s him proving some stereotypes are true:
Despite making around $900K per year, our guy Tommy still lives at home with his parents in Jersey. And it’s not due to a lack of funds. He just likes the convenience of being near his place of work, having his laundry done and bed made, and having fresh chicken cutlets waiting for him at home. Honestly, can’t blame him.
But this blog isn’t about how Italian Tommy Devito is. It’s about how fucking Italian his agent is.
His name is Sean Stellato, and he was introduced to the world on Monday Night Football this week. If Tommy is a caricature, this dude is a straight up cartoon.
The hat, the pinstriped suit, the phone call to no one — the man is exactly what you would picture Tommy Devito’s agent to look like.
And since this blog is firmly committed to providing satirical commentary on things that were hot on the internet several days ago, here is exactly what else I think Sean Stellato looks like. And yes, I will pepper in additional photos of this absurd man.
Tommy Devito’s agent looks like…
My Cousin Vinny except both of the kids he’s defending get immediately convicted of murder.
A guy who rear ends someone then tells the person he hit that there’s “no need to get insurance involved” because he “knows a mechanic that owes him a favor.” Except the mechanic is just his stupid cousin Randy who failed out of Massapequa Middle School and charges you $4000 after painting over the dent and stealing your transmission.
The super cocky guy you see at the beginning of a mob movie who gets whacked 5 minutes in just because everyone hates to be around him.
A 12-year-old dressed in the generic mobster outfit from Party City for Halloween.
A douche you knew in high school who constantly posts about his real estate business on LinkedIn and takes photos posing on the hood of a rented corvette in front of the subsidized apartment building he manages poorly.
Someone who walks around with a huge wad of cash, but only the outside bill is a hundo and the rest is ones, so it’s really just like $128.
He also licks his finger between every single bill when counting out money from that wad.
A bookie who somehow never has the money to cover your winnings.
Timothée Chalamet’s deadbeat dad who leaves when he finds out his girlfriend is pregnant but conveniently wants to reconnect with his long lost son when he sees him in Dune.
The guy who plays Christopher Moltisanti’s understudy in an off-Broadway musical adaptation of the Sopranos that gets panned by critics.
Someone who dresses like 2000s Justin Timberlake now. JT might also have an active restraining order against him.
A person who calls both men and women sweetheart condescendingly.
One of those guys who wins the lottery and just moves to Barbados forever.
A guy you see at a horse track that “has a system” which costs him $2000 a day.
Someone who screams “mangia!” every time a waitress sets food down in front of him.
A dude who gets broken up with by his wife and goomar on the same day.
Someone who goes to a beauty parlor and just asks them to embalm him.
A guy whose side hustles include owning a mattress store that hasn’t paid taxes since the 80s and selling stolen sides of beef to his cousin’s restaurant at wholesale.
He has every ingredient of a sandwich for lunch but never actually makes the sandwich. Just eats loose mortadella out of the plastic wrap like Tony Soprano.
Gives his 7-year-old nephew $2000 in loose hundreds for his first communion and tells him never to trust a whore.
Just a hilariously apt-looking man.
