The Fatty Liver is getting into the NIL game
As the proprietor of a commercially unsuccessfully blog, I’m always looking for ways to generate buzz and ultimately revenue for the Fatty Liver. Well much to my surprise it turns out gambling is a dead end, so I’ve moved onto plan B.
I’m going to get in the NIL game.
For those who aren’t aware, NIL stands for “name, image, and likeness” and it’s the way that college athletes are able to get paid via endorsements. As a staunch advocate of throwing money at something until it works, as well as questionable recruiting tactics, I am a HUGE fan of NIL.
Make no mistake, every serious college football program has been paying kids in some way or another for years. You think the owner of Gainesville Ferraris was just feeling generous in the mid-2000s? I digress. The point is, Boston College, my behated (opposite of beloved) alma mater has some catching up to do.
That’s where I come in.
After years of unsuccessfully attempting to get BC to rack up some recruiting violations in a bid to stay competitive, I now finally have the opportunity and the brand to legally bribe teenagers into attending the place I used to blackout so I won’t be as sad watching sports anymore.
And I think I’ve picked out my first recruit. His name is Henry Hasselbeck.
Yep, the son of Boston College legend Matt Hasselbeck and nephew of the less prolific Tim Hasselbeck, is looking for a new school after decommiting from Michigan State. And given his connections to the school and his locality, you have to think the Eagles are in the running. Frankly, it’s embarrassing we couldn’t land him the first go around.
The decision to recruit Mr. Hasselbeck is not one I’m making arbitrarily. As a poor gambler and non-revenue generating blogger, I can’t afford to be throwing good money after bad, my gambling being the obvious exception. This kid has the size, athleticism, and askew hat positioning that you look for in an elite Division 1 QB.
Because he played for my high school’s biggest rival, and because I live in the past and stream some of their games, I actually had the opportunity to inadvertently scout Mr. Hasselbeck on multiple occasions. And what I saw was a true gamer. His arm strength and poise in the pocket rare for his age and absolutely unheard of at Boston College. I genuinely believe the kid is going to be a stud QB at the next level and I want him running the offense for my alma mater.
So with that, I present the official terms of my NIL deal. Henry, I know you’re reading this and want to emphasize that, while this blog is mostly satirical, I will actually pay you real American money to play football at BC. Here’s what I’m proposing:
$100 monthly stipend during the school year to fund beer runs and/or late night Chinese food
Wait this kid isn’t 21 yet so that first part was just a prank. Spend it on books or whatever idc. Note: This may seem cheap relative to what other athletes get but you have to remember $100 to an 18-year-old is essentially $25K.
Unlimited Fatty Liver merchandise*
*If I ever design any and suddenly develop manufacturing connections in southeast Asia
A specialized team of advisors consisting of a hype man, financial guru, life coach, and “fixer”
Yeah, they’re all me. Financial guru just places losing bets on your behalf. The fixer can do everything from chirping opposing teams to forcing the QB in front of you on the depth chart to transfer.
A summer-long blogging internship at the Fatty Liver (unpaid)
Can’t put a price tag on that experience (it’s worthless).
Idk, like a vape?
That what the kids are into these days?
That’s it — the first ever Fatty Liver NIL deal. Henry, let me know what you think when you have a chance to discuss it with your people. We’d love to have you in the FL family.
