Three takeaways from Titletown
It’s been roughly 48 hours since the Celtics finished their ass whopping of the rest of the NBA and secured the franchise’s first title in exactly 16 years. And as I lie here in bed in the middle of a work day, reflecting on their dominant run, I wanted to sure a few quick musings that have been bouncing around my head as the city prepares itself for yet another parade tomorrow. Here are my three takeaways from this latest Boston championship:
1. Our long national nightmare is over
After five excruciating years, the city of Boston has a championship again. Thank the Good Lord above. Honestly don’t know how we made it this long without a title. I was beginning to question if we were in fact God’s chosen people. But thankfully my faith was rewarded and Boston once again is better than every other crap hole flyover town in America.
My smug Boston bravado aside, how do other fans live like this all the time? Like there are entire fan bases that just never win shit ever. New York has like 45 collective teams and they’ve won what — three championships — this entire millenium. And none of them, with the occasional exception of the Rangers, have even really sniffed it since 2012. Granted New York doesn’t so much have fans as various fat balding dudes with wife beaters and chains yelling incoherent garble in a dumb accent through a mouthful of pastrami, so maybe they don’t care.
I searched ‘new york yankee fan italian’ in Google and this is the first pic that came up
But look at a city like Cleveland. They have three professional sports teams and have won one singular championship across those three since 1964. ONE! And if Draymond Green wasn’t addicted to kicking people in the dick, they probably wouldn’t even have that one. There is a very plausible world where a Clevelander who is 60 years old has never tasted the sweet nectar of victory. And on top of all that, they have to look around every day and be like ‘Shit I live in Cleveland.’
I’m 28 and have seen my teams win 13 championships — and I count my blessings every day for it.
2. Most sports analysts shouldn’t have jobs
Not really breaking new ground on this take but holy hell was this a banner year for shitty takes by the pundits that be. And I’m not talking about the Skip Baylesses or the Stephen A. Smiths or the Nick Wrights of the world whose only job is to stir up shit and entertain people with ludicrous debates that no one was ever arguing. I’m not even talking about the Felger & Mazzes of the world who exist solely to be miserable contrarians and apparently have never heard about the new miracle drug called Zoloft.
I’m talking about actual basketball minds who understand the game and are paid to talk about it for a living. I mean look at this:
You hear that guys?! The Mavs have Dante Exum on their bench! Dante Exum who was playing in SERBIA last year.
Udonis Haslem, the man behind that take, played professional basketball in the NBA for roughly 50 years. He very well may still be on the Heat roster for all I or they know. And he picked the Mavericks to win the series because of Dante fucking Exum. The Mavericks were deeper than the best team in the NBA all year because they have some washed up Aussie fresh off a triple double against the Slovakian Shooting Stars. Let’s see what kind of spark Dante’s inferno provided off the bench in this gentleman’s sweep:
19 total points, 50% of which came in a blowout win. We’ll always have that crucial steal in Game 4. Dante Exum. Celtics took the liberty of keeping the rest of the receipts so I don’t have to.
The broader point here is that people who are paid to analyze the game of basketball couldn’t see what was obvious to a group of fat slobs who get winded playing horse (sup) — the Mavs didn’t have a chance. Kyrie was too busy worrying about having his feelings hurt and falling off the edge of the Earth to put forth any sort of effort on the road. Meanwhile Luka, aka the Pillsbury Slo Boy, ran out of gas by the 4th every game after the sugar rush from his halftime frosting injection wore off. This team was markedly worse than the Celtics in every way, yet none of these so-called experts could see it. For shame.
3. Drake Maye is a winner
Anyone who knows me knows how excited I am for the Drake Maye era to begin in earnest in New England. This title takes that excitement to the nth degree. Why? Because as we learned from Tom Brady, winning begets winning. Some beautiful mind out there once put together a spreadsheet of every place Brady has lived/played and how each of the professional teams in that area performed in the time Brady was there. The results? Brady not only led his team to championship after championship, but seemingly elevated every surrounding team as well.
Everywhere he went, teams and cities that are historically dogshit just suddenly started winning. Boston was on a 14-year title dry spell, the longest in the city’s history, when that skinny beanpole of a young man walked into One Patriot Place in 2000. The next year, he wins the franchise’s first Super Bowl. Then two more in the next 3 seasons for good measure. Oh and the Red Sox win their first world series since before women had the vote. Then the Celtics. Then the Bruins. And on and on and on.
Think it’s just an anomaly? Look at the Tampa Bay Lightning. They had been competitive for a decade plus but could never seem to get over the hump and win the Stanley Cup. Brady shows up and they win the thing 3 months later and then again the next year. Boom, just like that. The man has some sort of force field of winning around him that emanates and engulfs entire regions.
Now none of that is to say Drake Maye is Tom Brady. No one is nor will be again. HOWEVER, I am saying that this man has some sort of aura around him. Look at where we were just a year ago. Mac Jones is reacting to a sprained ankle like he just stepped on an IED. The Celtics keep knocking on the door but can never quite breakthrough. The Bruins fall apart in the playoffs. The Red Sox ownership forgets they own a baseball team. Vibes are low.
All of a sudden, a 6’5” stud of a QB saunters into the QB room in New England brimming with southern charm and a winning smile and the Celtics win a title immediately, ending the 5-year drought. Winning begets winning.
What a week, what a time to be alive, and, as always, what a time to be a Boston sports fan. See you at the parade — go C’s. Dante Exum.
