Phone it in Friday
Finally have enough of these that I can sling this blog out again. Bout damn time.
Sad life snippets
Broke the display on my laptop for the billionth time a couple months back and went to the Apple Store to begrudgingly shell out like a fifth of a paycheck to get a singular crack replaced and lose all my laptop stickers. I’m going to pay when I realize I was incidentally wearing a hat I got at an orchard that has an apple on it. So I’m slinging them hundreds of dollars while inadvertently rocking an Apple logo like I’m some technology simp fanboy. Big time cuck day for me. Felt like one of those guys who buy pornstars gifts off their Amazon wishlist.
Went to a wedding like a month or so back and was scrambling to find some actual nice clothes for the pre-wedding cocktail receptions and dinners and whatnot. My mom, knowing I would:
Buy something stupid or
Buy some low-class scumbag crap or
Try to wear my one pair of khakis with a crotch that has been so eroded by sweat that the fabric is just millimeters thick now, sent me a couple pairs of Lulu dress pants.
Neither pair fit. I then go to return them at the store only to find out I need the credit card they were purchased with to get a discount. As I did not purchase them myself, I had to call my mommy in front of a shop clerk and ask for her card. Couldn’t even exchange them and save myself the embarrassment cause Lulu doesn’t carry my size in their stores. Terrible look all around for a 28-year-old man.
Was out in Utah for the aforementioned wedding and was ripping national parks like no one’s business. At one national park, some college student with a clipboard comes up to me which is never a good sign to begin with. Immediately I’m bracing for some annoying climate or preservation petition. Instead, she says she’s from Southern Utah University and needs a certain amount of emails to ensure a grant for her project counting rocks or some shit. A reasonable and harmless request. I refused. Not because I don’t want her to get her pointless grant — but because SUU has cost me multiple bets over the past few years and I will not enable them in any way.
Was eating BBQ shirtless as one is wont to do and noticed a fleck of meat lodged in my chest hair. Not wanting to waste the animals sacrifice, I snatched it up and ate it. As soon as I ate it, I realized it was not meat, but a small piece of bread. This would have been fine except for the fact that I was not eating any bread. So apparently I just have random food scraps littered around my body if anyone’s hungry.
Getting over it now, but I was getting BODIED by the height of allergy season. However much DayQuil is too much is how much I was taking because shit started to get weird in my stomach. Had to wean myself of it like it was lean.
As I approach my thirties I’ve noticed myself making more dad jokes. It’s not concerning, just my body following its natural evolutionary course. Was at a great farmstand a few weeks back with all sorts of homemade pies and desserts and said, “We need to leave — I’m gonna gain 5 lbs just hanging out in here.” My cocoon into life’s next phase is slowly forming around me.
Was at a different wedding in California this past weekend and just absolutely cutting it up on the dance floor. Due to my size and extremely poor cardiovascular health, I usually can’t string multiple songs of hardcore dancing together while wearing a suit. So between dancing songs, I’m dabbing myself with the sweat towel I keep in my inside jacket pocket at every wedding when someone decides to form an impromptu limbo line. I’m watching, bemused, when the groom looks at me, smirks, nods, and gestures towards the limbo stick. Now despite being almost 6’0” and well over 200 lbs, I am strangely flexible. But this thing was VERY low for someone my size. But being the competitive psycho I am and not wanting to let a groom down on his wedding day, I went for it. I get down lower and lower and lower until my back was almost at a 90 degree angle. I JUST BARELY sneak my schnozz under the bar and collapse on the other side of the stick to some appreciative applause from the crowd and a helping hand from the groom (shouts to Mitch & Stace btw). The instant I stood back up I realized I pulled the shit out of a muscle in my lower back. Just started feeling ok again today. TOUGH 6-hour flight home with that injury.
At the wedding after party they had a lovely buffet for us of late night snacks (sliders, corn dogs, etc). I’m buzzing off a little wine and a 6mg Zyn in my upper lip and am chowing down furiously on a slider. I finish the thing in three big bites and go to swap my Zyn out when I realize there’s nothing left in my mouth. No burger, no corn dog, no nicotine pouch. Sooooooo I def swallowed that. Don’t worry it’s safe to consume — I checked. And no mom you may not text or call me about how stupid I am. I’m well aware. I only do Zyns when I drink so it’s fine, spare me the lecture. What’s next? Are you gonna tell me I can’t smoke cigs in Europe?!
Last one from literally this morning. I’m on the train this AM ripping a Dunkin Iced which only exacerbated my urgent need to drop heat when an Asian woman and her baby get on the train and stand across from me. The baby is playing with some plastic shit in its little stroller when he suddenly looks up at me and says “dada!” He repeats it excitedly for several seconds, screaming “dada!” and staring at me the entire time. So apparently I have a half-Greek, half-Japanese baby. That kid is going to have the most average work ethic of all-time.
A very happy birthday to my lovely and sweet girlfriend Charlotte! I’ll tell you two apart one of these days (nah they’re fraternal). And a happy Flag Day to the rest of you kiddos. Cs in four, let’s party in the streets tonight.
