The Fatty Liver fixes the monarchy
Ok, I’ll say it — The British Monarchy kind of sucks. It’s just a bunch of frail, pale people with no real power and worsening degrees of anemia.
But it’s been on my and everyone else’s mind for the last couple of weeks because of the queen’s passing (RIP Lizzie — pour one out, one being tea).
And it got me to thinking. How can we restore the monarchy back to its former glory? Remember, this family literally owned us back in the day before the hardest bag fumble in recorded human history. No taxation without representation bitch. Anyways, I’ve charted out my 3-step plan to make the monarchy revered and feared once again:
Step 1: Bring back beheadings
Easy #1 right here. Set the tone right out of the gate and put everyone on notice. The Windsors ain’t fucking around anymore, so you may want to think twice before you start causing trouble. And instead of using a guillotine, I have what I think is a great alternative…
So we all know about knighting. The Crown honors people who have done extraordinary good for the world, like saving children from the Holocaust or writing a large number of pop hits (there’s a very wide range of knightable activities), by ceremoniously declaring them a knight of the British Empire.
We need to start doing the opposite as well. Take people who have done extraordinary evil to the world and give them whatever the inverse of a knighting is, maybe a shite-ing?
And here’s the best part. You know the sword the royals use to knight someone? We’re gonna behead the deplorables with that bad boy.
Some serial killer strolls into Buckingham Palace thinking he’s about to get the prefix ‘Sir’ in front of his name and BOOM, cap detated. It’s an instant crime deterrent. We may want a slightly heftier sword than what’s pictured above, but we have time to work out the kinks. Rome wasn’t beheaded in one day.
Also, I think the current king/queen should have to do the beheading. Shows that they’re not afraid to get dirty, puts some power literally back in their hands, and it would be really funny to watch Charles’ old ass try to lift a sword.
Furthermore, beheadings are a great way to keep the monarchy itself honest. You want to start an unnecessary war or levy an excessive tax on scones? You’re one successful coup away from the literal chopping block mister.
Finally, beheadings are just good for country morale. It tells your subjects that the monarchy is taking crime seriously, and it really brings the community together. We’ll make a whole thing out of it too. Tailgating, beer stands, maybe some face painters for the kids, etc. It’s a full day of fun, community bonding, and decapitation.
Step 2: Expand the Empire
If you’re a new ruler in the British monarchy, this is a great way to get your reign started. Find a super small, unimposing territory and just claim it for Britain.
Yeah yeah imperialism is bad, I know. I’m not talking about taking over another country and imposing your rules and customs on them. This is just a way to get a quick dub on the board and establish an immediate winning culture in Buckingham. Exact same principal as BC scheduling Maine in football. Just need to get in the win column.
Basically all you’re going to do here is plant your flag in the ground, shade in an additional part of the map, and move right along. No killing, no spreading diseases everywhere, none of that bad stuff. No one who lives on the land you claim will ever even know you own it.
What this does above all, is show growth. That’s all the British citizens (aka your stakeholders) want to see. Incremental progress. Oh we haven’t added any land in a while? Well now we have a timeshare in Eritrea.
And hey, if you happen to get involved with a small nation that’s kind of on its ass, invest some money in the local economy. Patronize their businesses, facilitate tourism, maybe build a water park. Really immerse yourself with the locals and build a good rapport.
Step 3: Get off the balcony
Nope, don’t like it. Too elitist. Not the kind of message we’re trying to send with this modern monarchy. And historically, leaders communicating from balconies has never turned out super well :/
As for the pageant wave thing they all do, I get the appeal. It’s regal, it’s dignified, it’s iconic. It plays.
But why do you have to do it from a balcony?
Why can’t you use that gesture to wave someone over to the table you just snagged for them at Buffalo Wild Wings, or its British equivalent, Birmingham Wild Wings?
See I want a ruler that isn’t afraid to mingle with the common folks. I want the kind of royal monarch that I could see myself having a pint and chips with while we watch a Liverpool match.
It’s all about being relatable and appealing to the every day working stiffs out there who don’t sit in the lap of luxury.
And my God can we downplay the formality a bit? How about a pair of jeans or a short sleeve henley. Keep it casual for fuck’s sake.
Above all, you want to appear approachable. Show the commoners that you put on your pants one leg at a time just like them, before exiting your palace and stepping into an Aston Martin.
That’ll do it. If you got any other suggestions, I’m all ears. You’re welcome Britain.
