Russell Wilson looks like the kind of guy who…
Alright, this is something I’ll do from time to time going forward. Basically, anytime I see an athlete or celebrity on tv, I’ll say he looks like the kind of guy who does X.
It’s a spur of the moment, very random comparison that often gets zero laughs.
But I press onward because that’s showbiz. Today’s victim is robotic weirdo and middling QB Russell Wilson, who treated us to this gem yesterday:
Look the editing didn’t do him any favors here. Gotta have quick cuts and some elevator music in the background so it’s not so a cappella.
Having said that, wtf man?
That’s the creepiest tone of voice he could have possibly chosen.
And my God, pick a douchier handle than Dangeruss, you can’t. Though to be fair, he is dangerous in that he’s definitely strangled several cats and is about ready to make the leap to people.
Also wtf is that sandwich? Subway has like 8 different breads and you choose the one that makes it look like taco bell opened a deli?
Just a bizarre dude all around. Anyways without further ado, let me fire off a couple comps here.
Russell Wilson looks like the kind of guy who…
Cries when the Little League team he coaches gets eliminated from the playoffs because it’s the “last time I get to coach my guys.”
Tucks a plaid shirt into jeans.
Replaces curse words with tame alternatives that start with the same first letter like “shoot” or “french toast” or “son of a biscuit” (lot of breakfast foods), but just screams “FUCK!” the second he burns himself cooking.
Can tell you exactly what type of cloud is overhead and whether or not that indicates rain is coming.
Has a YouTube cooking channel called Russ-tic Home Cooking that has like 24 followers.
Can afford a Rolls Royce, but drives a 2007 Nissan Sentra with 150,000 miles on it because “it’s reliable.”
Would write a scathing Amazon review for a plunger.
Sleeps in silk pajamas and wears a nightcap like Ebenezer Scrooge.
Isn’t even aware of any sexual position besides missionary.
Puts on his reading glasses every time he looks at a wine list.
Gets an absolute kick out of “Big Bang Theory.”
Makes the same dip for every party he’s ever gone to and calls it “Russ’ famous dip” or “Russ’ mouth explosion” and it’s just like hummus.
Has a doormat in front of his house that says “God bless this mess.” (This one might actually be true).
Refers to the human race objectively, as if he’s not a part of it.
Hits a joint with his friends one time and coughs for 5 full minutes, then spends an hour panic searching WebMD.
Has detailed knowledge about a very specific historical event like the War of 1812.
Sings every solo in his church choir in the flattest tone humanely possible.
Calls himself the grill master and just burns the ever living shit out of every burger.
Says “I guess it’s a cheat day” after drinking one beer.
Gets suspiciously defensive when you express concern over AI taking over the world, then yells at you in binary code.
Just such a weird, cringey dude.
