Phone it in Friday
Ughhhhh this week sucked so hard. Got sick so I couldn’t even pretend to sit down and do some work before ignoring it all together and trying again next week.
Now I’m lying in bed with my virus dead but its lingering effects, namely a headache and random neck pain, irritating the hell out of me.
Let’s just get through this.
Big Ideas
A diet that’s just like your normal diet, but it tells you exactly what portions you can eat so you don’t get fat. Like you can have mac n’ cheese but only a cup then you gotta eat fruit.
Going off that ^ I’d like an app where you can enter in something shitty you just ate and it tells you how much of a specific exercise you need to do to offset it. For example, one slice of pepperoni pizza can be burned off with 80 pushups. It’s all about canceling out.
They should do a scared straight for white collar criminals. Basically they bring a bunch of finance interns to a minimum security prison and have some guys in jail for securities fraud scare them into not committing financial crimes. “You see this shit bro, that’s a drip coffee pot. There’s no caramel macchiatos in this bitch!”
That 30’s Show. It’s like That 70’s Show except everyone is poor and about to go die in a war.
I always wanted to do short films that were just literal interpretations of popular movies. Like Pulp Fiction would just be about a lying orange.
Sad life snippets
I was having lunch a few weeks back and realized that I eat steak with my left hand because I’m cutting it with my right and am too much of a pig to stop and make the switch.
Got another massage and was yet again mocked for having the tightest back muscles imaginable. Then the lady asked why I don’t come in more regularly. Uh..because this shit is expensive and at the end of the day we’re really only putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.
I’ve said this before, but I exclusively tell really small, unnecessary lies. Like I told someone once that I lost 14 pounds in a month when I had actually lost 12. It’s not like they would be unimpressed with 12. I just wanted to jazz it up a bit.
I can already tell I’m going to learn nothing from being sick these past few days. Literally the second my nausea started to dissipate I began craving Wagamama. I’m hopeless.
My upper left back gives me a lot of trouble and hurts pretty frequently. Don’t know if it’s torn or something but the other day it made a squeaking noise when I got up so that’s probably bad.
Thoughts that gnaw at me in the night
I was at a nice restaurant down the Boston waterfront the other day when a woman asked to be seated “with a river view.” She was referring to Boston Harbor. If you’re from Boston, how do you not know that you’re talking about the fucking ocean? And if you’re not from Boston, why would you not assume that’s the fucking ocean? So strange.
I’ve put a lot of thought into this and I think I’ve come to peace with my decision: I would commit a non-fatal stabbing to get Patrick Mahomes on the Patriots. If I knew the person would make a full recovery I wouldn’t think twice about it.
Not a conspiracy guy whatsoever and this is not meant to be anything more than a casual observation but…there’s no fucking way COVID started because of bat stew right? Like we all agree that was clearly made up? Also anyone who’s eating bats…stop doing that.
To be honest, if I was the mayor in Jaws I probably would have made the same call and kept the beaches open. It’s a big summer weekend and people want to be at the beach, plus the economy really needs this boost. It’s not like people are unaware that there are sharks in the ocean. Swim at your own risk. How tf am I supposed to know this one shark is particularly malicious? My political decisions would be based entirely on vibes.
Parks and Rec fans, remember this scene where a bunch of the guys get food poisoning?
Yeah…why did they all go to work? Like you guys are at the lowest level of a Midwestern city government. I’m pretty sure you can afford to sit this one out. Also, how effective are you going to be when you’re just puking every five seconds? I’m all for comedy, but let’s balance it with some realism here guys.
Have a great weekend, don’t fall deathly ill it sucks!
