Assigning positions to Puppy Bowl players
Who doesn’t love the Puppy Bowl?
It’s the perfect appetizer to the actual Super Bowl. Just a bunch of pups running around, picking up chew toys, unknowingly scoring touchdowns and probably shitting all over the field.
The best part about the game is that the pups themselves obviously have no concept of what’s going on. They’re just having a good time playing while some weirdo ref makes terrible dog puns. Pretty sure he flagged one of the dogs for “Unsportsdoglike Conduct.” That’s the best this multi-million dollar company could come up with? How about “Unnecessary Ruff-ness.”
Or “Illegal Block in the Bark.”
Or “Neutral Bone Infraction”
Want me to keep going? Not that fucking hard guys. Fire the rest of your writing team Animal Planet, I got this.
While my friends watched the game and marveled at each dog’s cuteness, I was instead focused on their other physical attributes. The intangibles which separate the puppies from the dogs and make a great football player.
You see, when you’ve been in the talent evaluation game as long as I have, you know a star when you see one. And as I was looking at each featured dog, I could tell you exactly which pups had “it” and which ones didn’t. And while some puppies trembled under the bright lights of the Puppy Bowl, others triumphed.
So with that, here’s my analysis of a select few players in the Puppy Bowl and what position I see them filling at the next level.
Team Ruff
Apollo - Nose tackle
Sure he looks happy and harmless, but you get Apollo in the middle of the defensive line and he’s gonna turn mean real fast. He’s a big, athletic presence who moves quicker than you think his size would allow for. Let’s see Spot run right into Apollo’s big ass paws.
Pro comparison: Vince Wilfork
Bea - X Reciever
Classic deep threat right here in Bea. Long legs aka bigger strides, good height to win contested tennis balls. Line her up out wide and send her straight down the field.
Pro comparison: Mike Evans
Higgins - Quarterback
Higgins here is a mixed breed of some sort, so I like him as a dual threat quarterback. He’s polished, looks the part, and has that ‘it’ factor you want in a quarterback. He’s maybe a tad undersized for the position, but he more than makes up for it with his speed.
Pro comparison: Kyler Murray when he’s not playing COD or being a whiny bitch
Elua/Walker - Linebackers
God help any quarterback that has to deal with these two. Elua is looking at you like she wants you dead, and Walker is prepared to follow you around anywhere you go on the field. These two have great closing speed and are sure to seal the edge. Absolute freak athletes
Pro comparisons: Micah Parsons (Elua) and Matt Milano (Walker)
Kai/Joey - Cornerbacks
I like Kai a lot. He looks like someone who’s going to stay trained on his receiver and has deceptive leaping ability for his size.
Now to Joey. Look, I like the inclusivity. Just because you’re born without legs doesn’t mean you can’t play pro ball. Actually it kinda does, but that’s besides the point. Beyond the legality issues surrounding Joey’s lego wheels, you have to think he’s an absolute liability in the secondary. Sure he can probably get downhill pretty fast if you have him going in a straight line. But you have him turn in coverage and the wheels are literally going to fall off. A feel good story for sure, but a questionable football pick by this front office.
Pro comparisons: Tyrann Mathieu (Kai) and Oscar Pistorius minus the girlfriend murdering (Joey)
Ritz - Center
Center aka Big Ugly. You need a guy like Ritz here to anchor your offensive line. Tall in stature, big bodied, and has the shaggy overgrown hair you want in a gritty o-lineman. Reliable player for years to come.
Pro comparison: David Andrews
Julius - Tight End
Love the length, love the willingness to go near fires. Just a tight end through and through.
Pro comparison: Zach Ertz
Moose - Offensive Line
His name is Moose. That’s all you need to know.
Pro comparison: Rashawn Slater
Moocow - Kicker
Small, scrawny, and probably doesn’t have the respect of his teammates. Moocow here is a classic kicker. Not a good kicker either. Look at those big watery eyes. When the game is on the line you can almost certainly count on Moocow to shank one. Just zero clutch gene and a raging case of the yips.
Pro comparison: Harrison Butker
Pascal - Edge Rusher
Probably the best player on the team. Tall, strong, and literally has his ears pinned back so you know he’s ready to attack. Very disciplined, well-trained dog. He’ll give you paw any time you ask and will torment quarterbacks off the edge.
Pro comparison: Matt Judon
Roland - Safety
You just know Roland has an attitude problem. Case in point he’s the only one refusing to wear the team bandana. Roland is a first round talent who probably fell in the draft because he got two DUIs in college and beat the shit out of a mall security guard after he was refused a free Annie’s pretzel. On the field, he’s an absolute menace, hovering quietly over the top just waiting to light people the fuck up. He may have a gun in his locker though.
Pro comparison: Brandon Meriweather
Pauly - Slot Receiver
He’s already in the right stance. He’s a quick spark plug who you can plug in anywhere. Absolute matchup nightmare, we’re looking at 90 catches a season minimum.
Pro comparison: Cooper Kupp
Team Fluff
Rosie - Punter
Gives me Aussie punter vibes. Lanky, has a big strong back leg that can generate a lot of power and hang time. Real difference maker in the field position battle.
Pro comparison: Jamie Gillan
Butter Bean - Tailback
Love Butter Bean as a passing down back. You’re not going to get much out of her from a blocking standpoint, but when you need a tough 3-4 yards, she can get it for you. Her small size allows her to hide behind her offensive line and sneak out of the backfield into the flat for easy completions. They’re going to call her Jumping Bean for her ability to quickly change directions and elude defenders.
Pro comparison: Danny Woodhead
Benji/Tilly - Edge Rushers
Kind of a thunder and lightning duo on either edge here. Benji is going to come with pure speed. He’ll leap off the line and run straight around his blocker.
Tilly is much more of a power rusher. She doesn’t go around her blocker, she goes THROUGH him. With much different, but complimentary styles, they’ll have any opposing quarterback playing dead. Only he’s rarely playing.
Pro comparisons: TJ Watt (Benji) and Myles Garrett (Tilly)
Pierogi - Nose Tackle
Just a big strong presence to clog up the middle. Needs to put on some weight to compete at the pro level but that will come with age. Formidable run stopper who can also get after the QB. Presumably Russian so that adds a psychotic element as well.
Pro comparison: Chris Jones
Rascal - Gunner
Undrafted kid who played wideout in dog college but doesn’t quite have what it takes to translate to the pro level. His best chance to make a roster is as a special teams player. Rascal has good speed and a lot of determination. He’s great at making tackles in open space and will be a stalwart on any special teams unit.
Pro comparison: Matthew Slater
Velma - Center
Big fucking ugly. Just a unit of a presence in the middle who already has her paw out ready to snap the ball. Can’t keep this gal out of the weight room.
Pro comparison: Jason Kelce
Cheeky Tinker - Cornerback
Got a dumb name which is perfect for a corner, and piercing blue eyes that can track a receiver anywhere on the field. Potential superstar in the making.
Pro comparison: Sauce Gardner
Clover/Peanut - Linebackers
The perfect combination of size and speed. Neither guy will wow you with any individual attribute, but they’re both very sound, fundamental players. And good luck if you meet Peanut in the flat. He has a distant, emotionless stare that tells me he is not afraid to give either of you CTE.
Pro comparison: Kyle Van Noy (Clover) and Roquan Smith (Peanut)
Hawk - Safety
This guy is going to be, appropriately, a ball hawk. He moves stealthily around the secondary, just waiting for the right moment to close on the ball and make an interception. Game changer against strong passing attacks.
Pro comparison: Duron Harmon
Marshmello - Slot Receiver
Twitchy, good first step, lot of speed. Great intermediate route runner who can get some tough yards for you. Does the most with the skills he has.
Pro comparison: Julian Edelman
Josh Allenhound - Quarterback
The literal golden boy. He’s the blue chip recruit who becomes the number one draft pick. This is a surefire hall of famer who will command your offense for the better part of two decades. And he’s literally named after an elite QB.
Pro comparison: Josh Allen, kind of obvious
Lulu - Backup Quarterback
Lulu is the perfect backup to Josh Allenhound. She looks the part of a quarterback. Tall, big paws. But she’s not particularly mobile and doesn’t bring a lot of versatility to the table. She poses no threat to the starter and frankly kind of sucks, but she fills out the quarterback room and doesn’t cost much.
Pro comparison: Mike Glennon, big ass neck
