Phone it in Friday
Been probably 3 weeks since I ripped one of these bad boys. That is a LOT of sad life snippets to catch up on.
Broncos Country, let’s ride:
What I’m pondering today
How did dinosaurs ALL get taken out by a single asteroid? We’re just supposed to believe that a fucking rock killed an entire planet’s worth of dominant animals. And how come other things survived? I call bullshit. Either dinosaurs are the softest species to ever exist or Big Asteroid has a hell of a PR team.
I’ve asked girls this a million times and no one claims to have any idea what I’m talking about, but if I go into a bathroom after a girl, there is almost always a single small piece of un-flushed TP in the toilet. I don’t know if this is some weird girl secret but I demand answers!
So I understand when you purchase a collared shirt that it comes with extra buttons on the side in case you lose one of them. But what am I supposed to do if a button actually comes off? I don’t know how to sew. Am I to take a single J Crew button to a seamstress? I have neither the time, money, nor patience for such a thing. If the button comes off, that shirt goes in the trash.
Think I bitched about this in here before, but a flight attendant once forced me to put my laptop under my seat for landing instead of in the seat-back compartment. In hindsight, that guy was on the biggest power trip of all time because no chance is it safer on the ground than securely in a compartment.
You know the line in Humpty Dumpty, “all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again?” You should, that’s half the poem. But like, what the fuck were the horses expected to do there? They don’t have opposable thumbs or a level of intelligence to grasp the severity of the situation, let alone do anything about it. It’s confusing enough for them that there’s a shattered egg person bleeding out his yolk on the ground, don’t try to make them suture a wound. Also, where is the king’s doctor during all this? Why are we sending his guards and equines as first responders? No shit he didn’t get put back together. Humpty’s family has a major medical malpractice suit on their hands.
Sad life snippets
I’m at a stage of thiccness that everyone just gives me shotgun by default. Easier than trying to squeeze next to my giant legs in the back.
Last time I was at a crowded bar, me and the other big guy in there commiserated on how tough it is to move across the dance floor and how we either have to walk with our hands behind our back or above our head to avoid accidentally making unwanted contact with a woman. Our big ass limbs are gonna catch us a case.
I pulled a hammy in kickball two weeks ago and thought it was mostly healed for this week’s game. I not only re-aggravated that injury, but also pulled the other hammy rounding third. We lost.
On that note, I was walking downtown the day after the game and both hammies were still very sore. I stepped off a curb and noticeably winced at the pain and grabbed at my hamstring. Directly next to me was a homeless guy with no legs.
As an attention whore and intramural hardo douche, I take it upon myself to dress like an asshole for every kickball game. This includes a shooting sleeve that serves literally no purpose in that sport, a headband to restrain hair that I cut short enough to meet military standards, American flag glasses that have a built-in visor above the lenses, and, as of this week, a cowboy hat. Apparently I’ve become something of a notorious figure in this league as a result because the ump and opposing team both knew my first name.
Have a great weekend! Enjoy the 60 degrees and rain that passes for summer around here.
