Phone it in Friday
It’s Friday. You’ve all had a stressful work week, and I’ve had a stressful week of taking aimless walks and getting coffee 40 times a day to fill the hours.
Bottom line is you don’t want to read a crazy long blog and candidly, I don’t want to write one. So I’m starting a series that I will irregularly keep up with called “Phone it in Friday.” Basically it’s just going to be a super short, scatter-brained blog filled with my random, half-baked business ideas/characters/dumbass thoughts that I’ve saved up since high school. In the spirit of phoning it in I promise that I won’t think up anything new for this blog. Only old, terrible ideas.
Let’s get stupid:
Business ideas
Scoop ‘N’ Score - An ice cream parlor in a football stadium
Reverse tank tops - no idea what this means or why I wrote it down. Was probably drunk. They’re not all winners. What you normally see on this blog is the only coherent parts of my brain.
Bro Cal - A Google calendar that only contains your bro’s weekend plans so guys who just graduated college can know what the squad is up to
Shark attack proof surfboard - Surfers always get attacked by sharks because they look like turtles to dumb shark eyes, so I think they should make a surfboard with a decal on the bottom of something that a shark hates so they stay away. Like jagged coral or broccoli.
Fatagonia - Patagonia has dope stuff for outdoorsy guys, except they don’t really market to big boys cause we aren’t always the most outdoorsy. Boom. Fatgonia. Rest easy thicc UVA frat boys.
Genuine investment advice - Buy any vacant lot near a popular beach and use it for parking. Basically no overhead and you make a killing every summer.
Four LoCarb - If Four Loko made a hard seltzer. Not positive I came up with this idea. May have been Slick.
On-Retainer - A retainer rental company for people who can’t afford dental insurance
DoorHash - DoorDash but for weed
DoorCash - DoorDash but we just go around giving people money. Basically democratic socialism.
A tv show called “Lust is Blind” - it’s just a gloryhole
Sad life snippets
The other day I was pondering which part of my body I’ll have to get replaced first in my 40’s. My money is sneaky on my right hip.
Once had a dream that I had heart disease. Think I was 24.
I was in a bad mood one day and considered blindly punching a guy I passed on the street cause he looked like he worked in finance.
Crashed at a buddies house one night and Ubered back home in my going out clothes. Uber driver thought I was doing a drive of shame and got all excited and I didn’t have the heart to correct him.
Had a quarter life crisis then realized I’m way past a quarter of my life then had a third of my life crisis about my quarter life crisis.
Once had a girlfriend break up with me because I was “too immature.” Admittedly it was bad timing that she said that as she sat on the whoopie cushion.
Wanted to upgrade my wardrobe one time and just Googled “cool hat.”
I think I’ve thrown up on every major type of transporation.
I’m legitimately scared what would happen if I stopped taking heartburn meds.
One time I UberEats’d Burger King. The Burger King was two blocks from me. I literally could have walked there faster.
Two funny makeout stories: When I was in high school, I had to flip my snapback hat backwards because the brim was drilling my gf in the forehead. Also a different gf tried to hold my hand while we were making out on the couch only to find out I had a piece of loose french bread in my hand. Bottom line is I makeout hard.
Coat checked a BC hockey jersey at Bell In Hand once.
When I was in high school and first starting to gel my hair, I didn’t realize that your hair needs to be thinner for it to hold. So my thick ass Greek fauxhawk always toppled over to one side like the dorsal fin of a captive orca.
Drank boxed wine out of a sippy cup because I didn’t feel like sitting up
Thoughts that keep me up at night
To this day, I’m positive I could be in the NFL if my parents let me play football. Undersized linebacker. I would try to bulk up and play O-line, but my lateral quickness isn’t there.
Did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall…or did he jump?
Why are there restaurants BEFORE the security line at the airport? Who tf gets to La Guardia and is like “my flight can wait, I need Sbarro’s NOW!”
Bars/restaurants need to know that they can’t have a neon sign if their name contains a sexual phrase within it. You’re always going to run out of neon in the worst possible letters. Let’s say you have a bar called “The Classroom.” Well get ready to be memed because pretty soon it’s going to be the “Ass Room.”
Remember those sprinkle-coated Munchkins? Where the hell did those go?
Tbt to middle school relationships where you would just hug in the hall at the beginning of the day and hang out at that one pizza place downtown and that’s what dating was.
What was the deal with that Gotye music video where he painted himself into the backdrop? Was that worth the effort? Is he dead now?
I think a main indicator of someone being rich is if they have one of those really tall bottles of Grey Goose in their house.
Voting in a minor election is basically just filling out a March Madness bracket — you’re kind of just going by names.
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader kids were such smug little nerds. Try to remember the 13 colonies now that you work in B2B SaaS and have rent to worry about you little bitch.
Have a good weekend. I’ll bring this back next week. Or maybe I won’t idk.
