One thing I love this week: Talking about how hungover I am
Fun fact for any of you youngsters who think you’re invincible: your body goes to shit eventually, and it’s coming sooner than you think.
And yes, some of my maladies can be avoided by exercising regularly or flossing or giving a remote shit about your health. But there are those that are just a natural, unavoidable part of aging. Heartburn, organ pains, and above all, hangovers. Now could you avoid hangovers by not drinking? Of course. Are you going to stop drinking? No. So shut up and stop being a contrarian.
If you’re aged 18-23, you may be thinking to yourself, “George I get hangovers already. That’s why I have Pedialyte in my dorm’s mini-fridge and the nearest McDonald’s on speed dial.”
That’s a college hangover. Also speed dial isn’t even a thing anymore you troglodyte. College hangovers suck, don’t get me wrong. But they're short lasting. You get up, take a shower, crush some greasy food and some drink that has “IV” in the name, and you’re more or less good to go.
Adults hangovers are a different type of hell.
They last for days, not hours, and crap food only makes them worse. Case in point, me and my buddies all got obliterated on Saturday night down the Cape. Yesterday was spent attempting not to throw up a double quarter pounder on the car ride home, then clutching my pillow in the pitch dark for 14 hours.
Shitty day, but at least it’s over now right? Nope. I felt better this morning, but I am still body-tired. i.e. It’s not a lack of sleep. My body is just fully exhausted from the abuse I put it through. That’s why I’m writing this blog so late in the day. Getting the required 5 feet from my bed to my desk has been an absolute struggle.
Bottom line: I’m still sort of hungover 2 days later and getting older is the worst. So why am I writing this in a blog about things I love? Because while I hate hangovers, I love TALKING about how hungover I am.
OTILTW: Talking about my hangover
I think this practice really starts in earnest in your early college years. It’s cool and illegal to be going to bars and showing up to your Friday morning lecture with sunglasses on indoors. Inevitably someone will ask, “Rough night?” and you respond simply by shaking your un-combed head in exasperation and drinking from an iced coffee that’s almost beige from the amount of creamer you put in it.
It shows that you’re cool. That you party. That you play as hard as you work.
It allows you to lie and convince yourself that this is the big one that changes how you do everything. How you’re never going to drink again and will now reach for a veggie juice every time you want a beer. Then your headache goes away in 2 hours and you’ll immediately make “sangria” for a party that is actually just $11 flavored vodka mixed with pink lemonade powder and chopped up apples. (Yes, that’s a real thing I made in college).
Being hungover also garners you a certain amount of empathy. Your friends will commiserate with you on times they’ve been hungover, and bring you Gatorade/food from the dining hall. They may also call you a pussy and dare you to shotgun a Natty Light in your bed. Either way, it’s good bonding for the boys.
As much as the physical effects of a hangover blow, they serve as a reminder of a great time you had the night before. And they give you a story, a way to instantly create a connection with a peer. Well, in college and the subsequent few years after they do. Once you have kids it probably gets pretty sad and concerning. Can’t be showing up to youth soccer practice bragging to a 6-year old goalie about how many shots of SoCo you put away last night while your wife silently let go of you emotionally.
But regardless, having a brain that is constantly coming up with funny shit in a desperate attempt to be relevant and accepted serves me well when I’m hungover. Because it allows me to come up with all sorts of wild sentences to describe my hangover. Here’s a few of my favorites:
I’m so hungover that…
I have the shakes in my feet
Even water tastes like poison
I’m limping just from dehydration
I’m going to greet my bed like a soldier coming home from the war
If someone pulled a gun on me I wouldn’t care
I’m going to make a bath bomb out of ground up Ibuprofen and Liquid IV
I want them to bring back lobotomies just for me
I might go to confession and start crying
I’m going to sleep until it’s a different month
I want to donate my liver to science
If you slapped me in the face, I don’t think my brain would even register it
My body needs to expel liquid from somewhere, I don’t really care where
My sweat smells like Miller High Life
I would dap up death if he showed up at my door
Hmm, it’s possible I have a problem. Welp, only one thing to do with that realization…
Have a great week!
