Onion Audition: Two hottest characters in movie happen to fall in love

This one’s been in the drafts awhile, excuse the lack of timeliness.

THE CINEMA — SPOILERS AHEAD: After a year-too-late viewing of Will Gluck’s (real name) film Anyone but You, one theatergoer was stunned to find that the film’s two main characters, played by Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell respectively, end up together at the end of the movie.

Ben Brantley, 42, of North Hempstead, New York left the theater in a state of shock upon the climactic reveal that two generationally hot people want to procreate together.

Says Brantley, “Well the movie is called Anyone BUT You so naturally I’m going to rule out Glen Powell as the love interest. Real Shamalayan twist that those two crazy kids find their way back to each other.”

The film serves as a stark reminder that love conquers all when you’re both hard bodies who are more attractive than 99.9% of the general population.

Anyone but You opens in theaters nationwide December 22, 2023.