Onion Audition: “Ready Freddie?” says woman inadvertently revealing her affair

TOPEKA — A Kansas woman aroused suspicions of infidelity from her husband after inadvertently revealing her lovers name via the expression, “Ready Freddie?” Kim Masters, 45, and her husband Jim Colleto, 47, were preparing to depart from their Topeka home on Wednesday for a romantic evening at the Macaroni Grill when Masters uttered the colloquial phrase in an effort to get her husband expeditiously out the door.

A popular part of 1940s youth vernacular, the phrase is generally not regarded as being specific to individuals with the name Freddie. However, the manner in which Masters spoke it rang internal alarm bells almost immediately for her husband of 17 years. “There was just this inflection to her voice,” Colleto told the Fatty Liver. “It was this playful, almost sing-songy tone. She really had a lightness and a sort of glow that only happens when you’re in love. She definitely wasn’t swooning like a schoolgirl cause of me, so I figured she must be banging some dude.”

Though he can’t confirm it, Colleto has a strong suspicion of whom the Freddie in question may be. “Oh it’s Fred Dunlap for sure. Owns the hardware store on Route 8. Good guy, real man’s man. Built his back deck by hand if I’m not mistaken.” Masters denies any involvement with Dunlap or that the phrasing was a Freudian Slip, insisting that Colleto “always does this shit.” Her husband however contends that the affair is real and she’s trying to hide behind the expression to cover her misdeeds.

In an email to the Liver, Colleto writes, “I’m honestly not surprised. Once she refused to take my last name I knew I was in for a bumpy rest of my life. Now look, am I the best husband? No. But I also don’t deserve to be cheated on. I’m no Prince Charming, but I’m a stable man and provider for my wife. She actually calls me her ‘Steady Eddie.’ Wait a minute…”