Onion Audition: Old man speaks rationally at clouds

NORFOLK, VA — An elderly Virginia man was recently spotted having a rational, productive dialogue with the clouds. Thomas Kim, 79, was enjoying a Saturday afternoon at Town Point Park when he was overheard sharing his thoughts on the state of America’s youth to the ducks whom he was trying to force feed old person freezer bread. In the 10-minute entirely hinged rant, Kim was heard to say, "I tell ya I don't understand kids' fascination with this TikTok. Then again, why would I? I'm clearly not the target demographic, and I suppose trying to be an influencer is a more productive use of time than smoking dope or getting caught up with the wrong crowd. At the end of the day, if you can make a living at it then good on ya." Mere moments later, Kim's measured dialogue was tested when he stared angrily at a passing park goer who was sporting green hair and multiple facial piercings. "Good God Almighty would you look at that hair," he mused to his audience of bobbing waterfowls. "And what on Earth would possess someone to put all that metal shit in their face? But I suppose every generation has their unique style modalities that members of an earlier generation couldn't possibly relate to or fully understand. It's that young man's right as an American to express himself however he sees fit. Even though it isn't my personal style, I have to respect his prerogative — That's what I fought for." As Kim exited the park he shared a smile and some encouraging words with a young group of civil rights protestors before driving off in his 2002 Buick.