Onion Audition: Area man’s handwritten invitations just reek of desperation

TOPEKA — An area man’s impending birthday celebration has elicited strong feels of pity and annoyance from his party invitees. James Sizemore, a Topeka resident, recently sent out 54 handwritten invitations, asking his friends, family, and coworkers to join him for “James’ 36th Birthday Bowling Bash.”

Invite recipients have responded unfavorably to the handwritten sentiments, with one guest claiming it’s “the act of a man desperate to be liked.”

Jessie Horowitz, a longtime neighbor of James, was appalled at the thoughtful gesture noting, “I mean, do way less James. The guy took the time to write 50 odd invitations out by hand. Ever heard of E-vite dude?”

“They aren’t just standard boilerplate copy,” claimed another guest. “Each one has a unique personal note from James about his relationship with the recipient and what it would mean to him if they attended. Thanks James, way to guilt me into it you considerate, sentimental prick.”

Further criticism was levied against the event itself with one invitee exclaiming, “Who the hell has a birthday party when they’re turning 36? Also, bowling? Are we 10?”

When reached for comment, James replied to our inquiries with a handwritten birthday invitation that simply read, “The more the merrier! I look forward to welcoming my new friends to my bday bash! -James”

Do less indeed.