I have to apply for this “Roommate Problems” show right?
Fact about me that won’t surprise anyone: I love performing.
Love doing bits at a party, starring in comedic videos, and being the obnoxious guy in the office who can’t just sit through a meeting without cracking a joke.
As such, I’m signed up to get emails from Backstage about casting opportunities in the Boston area for movie extra roles and whatnot.
You see, I’ve always dreamed of becoming a great actor. Not like Leonardo DiCaprio level where I take on serious roles and really become the character. More like bit parts in B to C-level comedies where I come in for one scene wearing a toga and yell “who wants to butt chug a beer bong” before comically slipping and shattering a glass table with my mass.
Think of a fatter, less funny Zach Galifinakis.
Anyways, I rarely apply for the roles I’m emailed because they’re mostly Emerson student films about societal woes which they aren’t currently experiencing at their $50,000/year film school.
Also, I don’t draw a lot of attention because my acting credits consist solely of acting like I understand what my former software company does and weirdly, a HomeGoods training video (actually true). Also, this is my headshot, which I took as I got the email, on a walk, without breaking stride:
However, I was recently DM’d an opportunity to appear in a docu-series about bad roommates:
Naturally I had to know more.
Now here’s the only problem: I don’t have an issue with my roommates. In fact, I love my roommates. We get along like old friends, in part, because one of them is an old friend.
However, a reasonable case could be made that I’M the bad roommate.
So with that as the premise, let’s identify 3 major issues that my roommates might have with me.
1. Your leftovers are never safe
I enjoy my food, there’s no denying that. And I appreciate that other people enjoy their food as well and want to be respectful of their property. Having said that…it’s a lot easier to just take food that’s already ready to eat, than to create something from scratch.
Now I’m a big boy and have a more voracious appetite than my skinny bitch roommates (whom I love). So while I rarely to never have leftover food, they frequently do. And here’s the thing: they NEVER eat it.
The only thing worse than wasted potential is a wasted meal, and these two love to let good food go to waste. Is it because they hate the homeless or the less fortunate? I’m not saying definitely yes, but it can’t be ruled out.
I’ve thrown away more mold-covered tupperware than I can count in the past two years.
We’ve had a pint of strawberry ice cream in our freezer for 4 months that has maybe one scoop left. And yet, no one wants to claim that last scoop. Just finish it and end this cruel game!
Also, who the hell savors a pint of ice cream? Eat all of it within 15 minutes of purchase to mask your growing feelings of emptiness like the rest of us.
As a result of this, I’ve established a house rule that only I agreed to and never told anyone else about: If you don’t eat your leftovers within 2 days of them appearing in the fridge, they’re fair game.
Is this rule a dick move? Yes. Could I just ask them if they want their leftovers? Definitely. Will I do that? Never.
2. My shit is always just around
Fun fact about me: my body doesn’t regulate its temperature very well. For example, if I get hot, it takes me a while to cool down even once in an air conditioned apartment.
Conversely, if I return from the cold winter air to a heated environment, the extra weight of my outer layers of clothing causes me to rapidly overheat.
As a result, I tend to shed my jacket/sweatshirt the second I walk in the door.
BUT, instead of tossing it in my room where it’s only my problem, I just chuck it on the ground/table/couch aimlessly. The same goes for my shoes.
So at any given time I have roughly 3 coats/hoodies and two pairs of shoes scattered around the apartment.
As of this writing, I have three pairs of jeans occupying most of our sitting spaces. I laid them there to dry 3 days ago and have yet to retrieve them despite walking past 50 times a day. (Bear in mind, I have my own bathroom I could hang these in).
And yes, all those food boxes/wrappers are mine as well.
I’m also 90% sure I have a shoe hiding under the couch somewhere as I’ve had a single shoe on my rack for the better part of a year and never bothered to find its other half.
3. I’m a very infrequent dishwasher attendant
Going to defend myself slightly on this one. Do I do the dishes the least frequently of my roommates? Yes, you could probably say that.
However, I’m also the primary chef of the house. Most dinners that we eat together are cooked by yours truly. Does that give me a dishes exemption? No. But shouldn’t it, kind of?
Sure, I end up using an unnecessary amount of cookware because of the complex nature of some of my dishes and the fact that I drop half the stirring implements I use.
And yes, I tend to create a big mess because I’m essentially a baby bear with a knife in there.
But I’m a big believer that the cook shouldn’t have to clean. Also, you gotta let the pans soak — day one chef stuff.
So there you have it MTV or TLC or the Spice channel. I think I’ve made my case to whatever network is putting on this show that I have what it takes to be a shitty roommate.
And to my roommates I say, love you boys. I’ll try to put my plate in the dishwasher once in a while and not clean the counter by wiping all the crumbs onto the ground .
Also if you need to use the washing machine I have 5 towels I put in there on Monday — please run it again for me.
