How about a little warning next time, the government?
What the fuck was that @thegovernment?!
As I’m sure you no doubt know because how the hell could you not, the government sent out a simultaneous test of its emergency warning system to everyone in the country at the exact same time this afternoon, and said warning was the single most jarring noise I’ve ever heard.
Thankfully I was sitting in a room with only one other person so the effect was minimized. But imagine if you were in a stadium full of people when that thing went off? There is playoff baseball happening as we speak. The dozens of fans scattered across the Rays’ stadium must have been shook!
I was actually in therapy when the banshee trapped inside my phone decided to scream her shrill song of death and I had to use the rest of the session to steady my jangled nerves. Do you know how many other problems I have? I can’t afford to be wasting my time on unexpected cellular trills.
Why does it bypass silent mode also? Amber alerts don’t. I get a buzz, see some kid in Quaboag got tossed into the trunk of an Altima, quickly envision a scenario in which I encounter the car, yank the driver out GTA style and heroically rescue the kid, realize I’m an enormous pussy and would just call the cops and run away frightened, then put the phone away and repress the realization that the world can be a cruel and scary place.
That apparently is not an option when it comes to the government’s precious warning system. What are they even going to warn us about? The only two concerns that could afflict every person in a single area are a major weather event and an impending nuke. How are either of those warnings of any use to me at all? The former can be accomplished by looking out a window. Don’t need a heads up that a hurricane just took out half the financial district — I think God will make it perfectly clear. As for the latter, what the hell is a warning about a nuke going to accomplish? “Oh no honey, looks like those Russians finally went there. Let’s duck under the coffee table like schoolchildren in the 50s. This $80 imitation oak from Wayfair will shield us from the blast.”
If a nuke is coming, just tell me nothing and let me evaporate, blissfully unaware of the impending end of the world. Actually if it’s a workday, I would like a heads up. Would be the ultimate iteration of closing your laptop on a Friday afternoon. Regardless, next time you send out a warning, the government, how about a little warning first?
