Energizing the Eagles: Battle for the Bottom
Alright Eagles, after a much needed one week hiatus from our collective alcoholism and BC’s general shittiness, we are unfortunately back at the Heights tomorrow for a true Toilet Bowl tilt with the winless Virginia Cavaliers.
Before we dive into that, let’s recap last week’s battle on the road against the Louisville Cardinals. BC fought hard but narrowly lost by a score of 4…wait hold on. Ok sorry, Louisville just scored again — *56-28 was the final.
After an encouraging performance against FSU, our Eagles re-asserted their own awfulness with an absolute dud of a performance en route to a Cardinals demolition. Having said that, Louisville has a great offense. They already put up 56 on one other team this year, the Murray State Racers, who are currently 4th to last in Division 1A’s Missouri Valley Conference. So needless to say, we’re in good company.
Yeah, last week was bad. They got so bored with us they just started playing different sports.
Whatever, season was dead long before last week anyways. That’s all in the past now. It’s time to hype up the Eagles for today’s opponent:
Eagles,
A useless UVA team is coming to town today trying to take our crown as most incompetent program in the ACC. After all, they’re 0-4, clearly in a rebuild and playing on the road. It’s hopeless for them, right? Wrong. Because Boston College football, for all its faults, is consistent at one thing: lying down in the face of adversity.
We’re not gonna let them just waltz in here and out-dogshit us on the turf for 60 minutes. We’re not going to use this game as a chance to get things back on track and turn to a winning tide. Hell no — We’re going to miss more tackles, drop more passes, and commit more backbreaking penalties at inopportune times than UVA ever could! If we can do that, we will prove once and for all that Boston College is the worst Power 5/general football team to ever sully a field with their presence.
So my Eagles, here’s what I need from you: Bring your A-game. We got jello shots jiggling, pulled pork dripping, and vibes galore. There is no excuse not to show out and turn in your best drinking/not going into the game performance of the year. Who knows — with any luck we’ll shit the bed and Jeff Hafley will get left on the tarmac. (In this scenario, they drive him to the airport despite this being a home game just to leave him on the tarmac. Could be funny).
Anyways go Eagles, I suppose.
