Guessing what Drake Maye will gift his offensive line
Merry Christmas fatties! Thought I would come in with a timely and relevant blog for once in my life on this most holy of holidays.
For those of you who aren’t football fans and therefore aren’t experiencing the full joy life has to offer, it’s a widely practiced tradition for NFL quarterbacks to buy their offensive line a large and expensive array of gifts at Christmas time.
For those of you who don’t know what an offensive line is, it’s every other sentence you read on this blog.
In football terms however, for those of you who haven’t seen the Blind Side, the offensive line is the collection of five mega—humans whose job is to protect the quarterback from being torn to shreds by the equally large mega-humans on the opposing team.
The idea behind the gift is that the quarterback is thanking his line for doing the dirty work in keeping him upright and healthy to that point in the season. For instance, here’s what 49ers QB Brock Purdy gifted his line just the other day:
As you can tell, we’re talking about big gifts here. QBs have gifted Rolexes, Bitcoin, $1,000+ Yeti coolers, and on and on. Shit’s no joke.
However, in the case of Patriots rookie phenom/my beautiful boy Drake Maye, there’s a dilemma. On one hand, he wants to show appreciation for his teammates and make a strong impression as a rookie leader.
On the other hand, Drake’s offensive line fucking SUCKS.
As of this writing, they are the NFL’s worst ranked line, primarily because we’re just throwing other teams’ hand-me-downs out there. Hell, I’m about 50 lbs from getting a look at right guard. Just look at this evaluation:
I genuinely pray for Drake’s safety every time he takes a snap. That’s how useless these guys are.
So with a line this abysmal, the question has to be asked: what does Drake Maye get them for a gift?
Drake is a natural leader and a much better man than I so he’s undoubtedly going to get them a diamond encrusted mouthguard or some shit. However, being the petty, passionate, and frankly vindictive fan that I am, I’ve taken the liberty of mocking up five alternative gift ideas that I think would be more fitting given this line’s performance this season:
1. A box of shit
The classics are classics for a reason. Anyone remember this from like middle school — looking up that company that sends shit to people’s doorstep on your behalf? Well they’re called poopsenders and they are still very operational. With a selection ranging from cow to gorilla, they have all the scat Drake needs to make the point that these guys are shitty at their jobs. And hey, don’t be afraid to light it on fire. That gag always plays.
2. Shelter cat
Nothing is worse than when a gift comes with an obligation. Like if someone gets you a subscription to a meal prep service and you actually have to cook the stuff. Or if someone buys you a book and you have to remember how to read. That’s sort of the thought here.
Get each lineman a really old, sickly cat from a shelter. They can’t really say no and return it because that’s essentially condemning the cat to die. So now they’re stuck with this messy burden of an animal that’s just pissing everywhere, giving the kids rashes, and requires diabetic suppositories every 4 hours or it will go into insulin shock.
3. Adopt-a-highway
This isn’t even a subtle way to tell someone you hate them. Imagine having some crackhead, strip club, and methodone clinic stretch of Mass Ave or the Lynn Way named after you forever? This is in the same family as buying a star for someone or sending one of those UNICEF boxes of change to Africa so a family in Rwanda can buy a water buffalo. Just a totally hollow gesture.
4. All expenses paid trip to Yemen
Everyone loves traveling and exploring new parts of the world, but no one wants to go through the hassle, stress, and expense of planning a vacation. Drake could save his line the trouble by offering them an all expenses paid trip to beautiful and scenic Yemen!
Nestled neatly below Saudi Arabia, (of which I am the current crown prince)…
…this sandy shangri-la is just an errant RPG’s throw away from the swashbuckling sovereignty of Somalia, giving you plenty of options to travel around an ill-explored and ill-advised area of the world.
Known as the “Manhattan of the Desert,” (I’m not making that up it’s in a Nat Geo article), Yemen is the only country in the world that looks like a scale model of a city a first grader made out of empty paper towel rolls.
Rummage through rubble and shuffle through sand en route to some of Yemen’s famous tourist attractions like that second rock formation next to the other rock formations, and a landmine that may or may not still be live. And if you like architecture that looks like it was pulled straight from a pop-up book, boy are you in luck:
This Christmas, give your shitty linemen the tropical vacation they deserve. Give them Yemen. Probably won’t need to book return flights also, which is a win.
5. Self-help books
Look, the line is obviously not up to snuff, but that doesn’t mean you just give up on them. On the contrary, this gift could be an opportunity for Drake to encourage his teammates to step up their game and work on their craft. I personally recommend this book as a starting point:
I think I’ve given Drake a lot to think about today. Nah he’ll probably get them like a smoker or jewelry or something cause he’s nice and they’re trying their best. Couldn’t be me.
In all seriousness, merry Christmas to all my Fatties — I love and appreciate you all more than you know and every little word of encouragement about this blog means the absolute world to me, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Now go be with your families! You can ignore them when football starts.
