A very delayed guide to loopholing New Year’s Resolutions
Heyyyy Fatties. Been a minute.
My bad. I was on vacation, then I was super busy at work, then Severance came back (stay tuned for recap blogs), I don’t think I ever really processed 9/11, etc.
There’s been a lot going on in the world too since I last posted — a president died, that hot dude killed a guy and people were bizarrely psyched about it, people are becoming millionaires off of play money named after memes — it’s been a whirlwind.
That’s why I’m back to reaffirm my commitment to never speak about any of that scary world shit and instead post very untopical nonsense that helps you escape.
In that spirit, and given that this is somehow my first blog of the new year, I figure I’d address a particularly irrelevant topic — New Year’s Resolutions. Ironically, my New Year’s Resolution was to stop procrastinating.
“But George it’s basically February, how would this blog be useful now?”
How did you get editing access to this Squarespace account
When have you ever known this blog to be useful. Have you been treating my ramblings like actual life advice? Dear God what have you done?!
By now everyone has likely given up their New Year’s Resolution and need this refresher to reinvigorate their goals
If you find yourself dragging your feet through a shitty, vague resolution like “eat healthier” or “learn a new hobby” or “get that lump checked and figure out why I’m always lightheaded,” I’m here to help you get back on the ball and loophole your new year’s resolution.
Step 1: Commit to a NEW new year’s resolution
Your initial New Year’s resolution sucked, let’s just get that out of the way. You were never going to eat healthier or go to the gym or any of that hippy vegan crap. I’ve said that every year since I was 14 and I’m actively slow cooking pork belly right now. The healthy resolution always just ends like Kevin Malone. You need something doable and sustainable.
Step 2: Lower your own expectations of what you’re capable of
We all want to think we’re capable of doing and being so much more. And we are. Just not when it comes to resolutions. A resolution is inherently something you don’t want to, otherwise you’d already be doing it. So, set the bar a little lower for yourself.
For example, doctors recommend getting 10,000 steps a day — that’s like 6 miles. I’m sorry but trudging my ass around in the cold for an hour and a half every day is simply not worth the extra year or two in the nursing home.
When you set a goal that lofty you get too daunted by it and don’t even start. I made this mistake this year. I was doing 8,000 steps a day and consistently nailing it. I upped it to 10,000 in the new year and look how that turned out:
Bottom line — challenge yourself less. Actually, that segues nicely into my next point…
Step 3: Loophole your resolution
Alright, you’ve committed yourself to a new new year’s resolution, you’ve lowered the bar into the basement — now it’s time to take action. Well, sort of.
This is where the art of the loophole comes in. You need to come up with a resolution that seems on the surface to be worthwhile to a casual observer but doesn’t mean anything. This way you can get the dopamine hit of sticking to a goal all year without actually having tried or accomplished anything. Here are a few sample resolutions to consider:
1. Be gentler with yourself
This is good advice when it comes from a therapist. In the context of a resolution it’s a loophole and a half. Want to diet but really want that tub of ice cream. Instead of eating it and feeling bad about yourself for breaking a goal, just remember you’re being gentle to yourself and it’s ok to indulge in things you enjoy once in a while or most days.
2. Practice gratitude
The brilliance here is in the broadness. You can be grateful for literally anything. Oh I woke up in a bed and am not actively starving, boom gratitude.
3. Eat more fruit
Strawberry shortcake is fruit. Fruit tarts are loaded with fruit. Apple pie is fruit. You ever had those trü frü banana slices covered in peanut butter and chocolate? Yeah those count too.
4. Treat yourself more
Yeah this is basically another excuse to be a fatass. Eat some chocolate, chug a beer, who cares.
5. Work on growing your money
Gambling is technically a high-risk form of investing.
Leave your old new year’s resolution in January and find a new new resolution that is not only achievable, but requires literally no effort. Good to be back, Fatties.
