Cancer is a dumb bitch

Let me begin by assuring you that I do NOT, so far as I know, have cancer. *Knocks aggressively on wood*

I understand the title can potentially bring you to that conclusion, so I wanted to immediately dispel any notion that cancer numbers among my many other, much less significant ailments. If anything I have gout. No, this blog is not a dramatic health reveal, but rather an attempt by me to speak as earnestly as I’m able (I can be about 35% earnest at any given time) to promote a wonderful cause and shame you into giving me money.

Each year, my father and I, along with three family friends, ride in the Pan Mass Challenge. For those of you not native to the Commonwealth or those that don’t take advantage of the tax loophole that is charity, the Pan Mass Challenge is an annual 80-mile bike ride from Bourne to Provincetown. The route basically forms the vein in the part of Massachusetts that looks like an octopus trying to flex.

Thousands of other, more physically fit individuals participate in the ride each year in order to raise funds and awareness for Dana Farber, the Jimmy Fund, and their ultimate goal of eradicating the dumbest bitch known to humanity: cancer.

I don’t have to delve into a dissertation on the disease, but I will point out that cancer is arguably the only major disease that EVERYONE has some personal connection to, be it a family member, a friend, a colleague, or whoever. Cancer is the one cause that we can all be united against because it truly does affect every single one of us in one way or another. Global warming also falls under that umbrella but it requires you to listen to Greta Thunberg scream at you about recycling and ocean levels and shit so hard pass there.

Anyways, I’m writing this post not to tell you what you already know, that cancer is the fucking worst, but to shine a spotlight on the Pan Mass Challenge and humbly ask for a donation if you’re able. 100% of your money will go directly to Dana Farber and cancer research. In no way am I skimming a 15% vig off the top to gamble on a horse that will die mid-race.

Sidenote: this is not an actual race but I do intend to win nonetheless.

Obviously there’s absolutely no pressure to donate. Not donating definitely doesn’t mean you’re rooting for cancer and I certainly won’t be making dedicated Facebook pages entitled, “{YOUR NAME} IS ON CANCER’S SIDE,” and the profile picture is you leaning back to back with a cancer cell with both of you crossing your arms like the promotional photo for a failed network sitcom.

However if you are not compelled by blackmail nor the prospect of contributing to the end of the worst disease known to mankind, then first get yourself evaluated by a mental health professional because my God what the hell moves you? Secondly, donate because you’re contributing to the pure absurdity that is my 250+ lbs wagon ass riding 80 miles (technically 77, but I rounded up) during the hottest month of the year.

Do you have any idea how insane that is? Every year I increase the size of my bike jersey and every year I have a muffin top. I can’t get out in front of it. I’m rocking a XXXXL this year — bike shirts are crazy tight. And don’t get me started on the ride itself. Last year I almost died. I ran out of water on mile 65 and the only food left in my back pouch was salt n vinegar chips. It was a lethal, mouth-drying combination. Those last 12 miles, as I rode by the throngs of sign-holding supporters, many of whom were cancer survivors or currently undergoing treatment, I couldn’t help but think that no one has ever had to deal with something as difficult as dry mouth and sore knees. Granted, it didn’t help that I had inadequately trained leading up to the ride. Won’t make that mistake again.

Anyways, I was doing my first training ride this past Saturday and was reminded that I need to get on my fundraising efforts ASAP. Every dollar raised not only goes towards fighting cancer but also towards me creating really shitty mid-ride content. Here’s last year’s Snapchat series:

How to Donate

Ok, the important part. There are two ways to donate. One is via my Pan Mass profile page. You can read a little about the ride and make a donation in the lefthand column. One anonymous patron got the ball rolling with three figures.

The other way to donate, which I suspect will be easier for most of you, is via venmo. Just scan this QR code and it will open up Venmo with the Pan Mass Challenge as the recipient and my donation code in the message. Do not change the message or it will not count towards my goals.

We need to raise $6,000 for me to have the chance to tear most of my muscles, but also to have cancer shaking in its boots. Anything you can give is so greatly appreciated. Cancer is such a dumb bitch.