Breaking down my budget

Despite a new job and steady side work, I’ve found myself facing a curious financial puzzle. My credit card bills are high and outside of my 401K, I’m not saving as much as I’d like to account for my inevitable health calamity. So, in an effort to understand where exactly my money is going, I’ve dusted off my prolific excel skills (Googled how to make a pie chart) and broken down my budget. Let’s take a closer look shall we?

Uber Eats (40%)

I deleted the app in part because I’m boycotting Uber Eats for screwing up an order then making me talk to foreign call center people using generic American names for an hour to get refunded $23. But the other reason is because I’m terrified to see exactly how much I’ve spent on there in the past few years. It’s literally in the thousands. If I just don’t order out I will solve literally all of my issues.

Rent/Utilities (20%)

The lame stuff. I’ll pay for the air conditioning and sports package but the rest is bullshit in my opinion. Who even uses gas?

Unpaid bar tabs (15%)

Ol’ George has been writing bad checks all over town. Nah, I pay my bar tabs but this does account for a substantial portion of my expenses. Your boy can put away beverages.

TUMS (7%)

Here’s the thing: I like to eat. I don’t particularly love cardio. You see where I’m going with this? Yes, if I just ate normal portions or ordered a salad instead of a Colombian fried beef sandwich from Jamaica Plain, I probably wouldn’t get heartburn so often. But I refuse to consider that so here we are.

Deli meats (5%)

Why do you think I have so much TUMS? You try living in Little Italy and not getting a porchetta panino twice a week. Can’t be done.

Losing 50/50 raffle tickets (4%)

Go to a lot of games and blow at least $20 at each. Here’s the thing though: this just has to hit once for the investment to be worth it. If you keep throwing money at it, eventually you get rewarded. It’s like social security. Or strippers.

Instagram ads/random nonsense (4%)

I’m a sucker for Instagram ads. I own like 10 of those shirts targeted towards fat guys that make your arms look jacked but hide your stomach. Turns out those don’t magically make you not fat, they’re just slightly longer than normal shirts. But yeah, I buy a lot of dumb shit. Off the top of my head in the last 3 months: cowboy hat, t-shirt for a band I don’t listen to, $50 worth of headbands, and my personal favorite, patriotic sunglasses with a built-in visor:

Missed doctor appointments (2%)

I actually get hammered on these charges. I have a doc that costs $250 for a missed appointment. You’re literally charging me 10x what the appointment costs to not do your job of re-filling my prescriptions. Also what the hell are you doing that your time is so valuable? You aren’t being paid per patient seen.

Retirement planning - crypto & gambling (2%)

Invested in crypto when it was at an all-time high so that’s going great. And my gambling is an automatic moneymaker so long as I don’t get bored/drunk and bet a ton on a 7-team parlay out of frustration.

Budgeting Softwares (1%)

In an ironic twist, a small portion of my budget goes to multiple budgeting softwares. Why multiple you ask? Excellent question. I forgot I was using one and also purchased the other. So I’m essentially just getting a second opinion, which is great because you can never be too careful with your money.

That’s the basic budget. Let me know if there are cuts to be found anywhere, though I doubt it.