Which Boston athletes would you want on your side in a fight?
Probably the most active group chat I have is with a few of my buddies from high school. Most of our conversations are just us commiserating on how shitty the Sox roster is or fondly recalling how many girls we pulled back in the day (less than 5 collectively).
But occasionally we delve into spirited debates about nonsense hypotheticals. Stuff like:
“Did Hitler ever actually kill someone with his own hands? I say no. Coward bitch had his soldiers do his evil bidding while he hid in his little bunker.
OR
“How far could you punt a baby?” 15 yards, easy.
It’s similar to the classic Family Guy “would you rather’s.”
Almost always, these debates have something to do with Boston sports. So the other day I proposed one that I think merits further discussion: If you had to choose one Boston athlete from all four major sports to be on your side in a fight, who would you choose?
A few rules:
The athlete doesn’t have to be an active player, but has to have played in your lifetime
They must currently be alive
You can’t take more than one athlete from each sport. You need a Celtic, Bruins, Patriot, and Red…Sock?
Here’s the roster I’m going into battle with:
Boston Celtics: Kevin Garnett
Every member of this crew serves a distinct purpose. Except me — I’m mostly luggage in this context.
KG is The Intimidator. He rolls up to the fight standing at 6’11” 240 lbs, fresh off a cameo role in an Adam Sandler movie. If you’re on the other side of this fight, you’re not thrilled at the prospect of having to square up with him.
The other thing about KG: the man is a competitive psychopath. He will do anything and everything it takes to win the fight. For instance, the gif on the right of him smashing a basketball into his head repeatedly — that’s him preparing to shoot a free throw.
KG also happens to be a world class shit-talker. And it’s not like “you’re a bitch” shit talk. It’s “I’m the father of your son, I’m not joking, here are the actual DNA results” shit talk. REALLY fucked up stuff. Don’t believe me?
He once told Carmelo Anthony that his wife “tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.”
He told Charlie Villanueva, who has alopecia, that he “looks like a cancer patient.” (Lucky that Will Smith wasn’t around for that one).
The man is willing to go as deep into the mud as he has to to throw his opponent off their game. I think he could literally chirp someone to death.
Before anyone could even roll up their sleeves in this fight, KG would pick the fattest guy in the opposing group and tell him he’s a Twinkie away from a lifetime of daily insulin shots. Couple that with the fact that he has a hair-trigger temper and is definitely willing to actually kill someone, and we’ve got ourselves an elite intimidator.
Honorable Mentions:
Shaq - Played for the Celtics briefly so it counts. Shaq seems more like a lover than a fighter, but at 7’1” and 325 lbs, I don’t really think it matters. Dude could hug someone to death.
Glen Davis - Just another big, physical presence. He has those arms that don’t really have muscle tone but you just know are strong as shit. Pretty sure KG made him cry once though so he doesn’t get the nod.
Nate Robinson - This may seem like an odd choice because Nate is markedly shorter and skinnier than me, but I kind of like the Joe Pesci, Napoleon Complex thing he would bring. Everyone would instantly count him out because of his size before he jumps up to eye level on a 6’7” dude and jams a shard of glass in his eye socket.
Boston Bruins: Shawn Thornton
Shawn Thornton — The only choice to be The Enforcer for this crew. It’s a role he knows well from his days with the Bruins.
Thorty’s job then and now is to come in and fuck somebody up. He’s a ride or die guy who will defend the squad no matter what. Look at the video on the right. The Penguins player in that video is known piece of shit Matt Cooke. In his previous meeting with the Bs, Cooke cheap-shotted Bruins forward Marc Savard, giving him a concussion that all but ended his career and drastically altered his life.
When the Bruins faced off with the Penguins again a month or so later, Thornton was ready to get retribution for his injured teammate. The second Matt Cooke stepped on the ice, Thornton jumped over the boards and unleashed an ass beating on a very deserving Cooke. Even after Cooke went down Thorty kept throwing haymakers, trying to sneak in another jaw shot or two.
This is the kind of guy you need at your side in a fight. If shit turns bad, he’s not going to tuck tail and run. He’ll keep punching long after the fight is over.
Another thing to remember about hockey enforcers is that they aren’t just there to protect the skill guys or settle scores. They’ll also start a fight just for the sake of firing the boys up when they’re looking listless. If our crew is rolling around town and morale is low, Thorty will knock out some random dude on the street just to get the blood flowing.
Honorable Mentions:
Milan Lucic - He’s basically just Thornton with more skill. Guy has never shied away from a scrap.
Tyler Seguin - Skinny little prima-donna who would be absolutely useless in a fight. Only reason he’s listed is because he would definitely hook up with someone’s mom from the other crew and fuck with their head. Also seems like a fun hang. Guy definitely parties.
New England Patriots: Brandon Meriweather
Some of you may not remember Brandon Meriweather, but my God was he a sight to behold. The Patriots first round pick in 2007, Meriweather likely would have gone higher in the draft if not for the incident in the video above.
You see, when Brandon was at the University of Miami, a brawl broke out during a game against Florida International. And if you fast forward to the 38-second mark, you’ll see #19 Brandon Meriweather aimlessly stomping out random guys on the ground.
This is the ideal candidate to be The Dirty Fighter in the crew.
Meriweather probably would have led the league in interceptions if he wasn’t solely fixated on taking the head off of every poor receiver who dared to cross his path. His career well pre-dates when the NFL started pretending to care about the health of its players, so he was free to operate with impunity.
You’ll notice him in the gif above executing what is now the textbook definition of targeting.
Meriweather doesn’t give a shit about ground rules. Everyone starts taking off their rings and he just puts more on. You bring him to the fight and he’s going to smash some skulls together. Only in this case, one of the skulls is his.
And don’t worry about CTE. Brandon Meriweather doesn’t get CTE. CTE gets Brandon Meriweather. (No, but he for sure is going to have CTE).
Honorable Mentions:
Vince Wilfork - Enormous presence. Strong as a fucking ox and not easily moved. He kind of gives me the vibe of a bouncer at a nightclub where they have to frisk you for guns before you can go in.
Julian Edelman - He’s the indestructible man. Edelman has been concussed no less than 45 times in his career and seems to get better with each one. He’s literally got nothing to lose. You can’t knock out a guy who’s already concussed.
Aaron Hernandez - Yeah see this is why I had to have the “still alive” rule. Kind of a cheat code to have an actual murderer on your side. By the time everyone showed up for the fight, the opposing crew would already be dead and Aaron would be sloppily erasing security cam footage.
Boston Red Sox: Clay Buchholz
Alright, hear me out on this one. This crew already has an intimidator, an enforcer, and a cheapshot artist. What’s the one thing we’re missing? A Wild Card.
No, Clay Buchholz isn’t particularly big. He’s actually frighteningly skinny. He kind of looks like his skin doesn’t quite fit his skeleton.
He looks like a guy who was morbidly obese, decided to get into shape, but then overcorrected and lost too much weight.
He looks like a guy who’s perpetually two weeks into No Shave November.
He looks like an alien tried to design a human using only a single family of inbred West Virginia hill-people as a guide.
He looks like he styles his hair every day with an entire can of crisco.
He looks like he only eats meat that he hunts himself and that meat is exclusively possum.
He’s a weird, scary looking dude is my point. Perfect to be the group Wild Card. You look at him, and while you’re not intimidated by his stature, there’s something about him that makes your skin crawl.
His blank, empty stare is just a dark mirror, reflecting the blackness of your own soul back to you. You look into his eyes and you stare down the opening of a vast well. A well that seems go down a million miles into the earth. A well that you know some kid fell into in the 1940’s and they made a whole thing of it on the radio. Those who have gazed into those dull, lifeless eyes describe what they witnessed only as the physical embodiment of dread. A smothering darkness that penetrated every inch of their mind, body, and soul. A darkness that would not rest until it had consumed all that made them human.
(Trying to write a really unsettling screenplay).
You bring Clay to a fight and he’ll just take it way too far right out of the gate. He’ll put out a bunch of cigarettes on himself and try to make everyone be blood brothers with him. Then when the two crews are walking up to each other West Side Story style, Clay will come leaping out of a dumpster and bite some dude’s ear off, then bring it to you like he’s a dog presenting his master with a stick. And even though he’s helping you win the fight, you’re kind of just like, “Alright Clay, chill out dude.” Then he just shrugs and adds the ear to his trophy necklace of human remains.
Honorable Mentions:
David Ortiz - Big Papi is probably the right answer here just on size alone. The man is an absolute sweetheart, but if he gets angry…watch out. He has also literally taken a bullet. I’m not positive he can be killed.
Joe Kelly - Another scrawny pitcher with a screw loose. Likes to shit talk. Always willing to mix it up. A good addition to any fighting squad. My barber actually knows Kelly decently well from his time in Boston. Said he would roll in hammered sometimes and go post up in the back alley behind the place. Apparently he knocked some dude out back there for unknown reasons.
Please comment your Fight Club Starting 4 below! Want to get some debates going.
