What do women want??
As many of you know, this blog has a longstanding commitment to offering humorous commentary on popular internet things a day or more after they have stopped being popular. In this case, it’s the list of first date spots women refuse to go to, which made the viral rounds yesterday.
After reading through this 28(!) item list, I was left asking myself an all too familiar question: what the hell do women want from us?
Some of these places I get from a respect/safety standpoint, but the movies? Bowling? A bar? Aren’t these all very normal, fun first date spots? Also wtf do you care — you’re not paying for it. You could take me to Friendly’s and I’d be thrilled as long as I wasn’t paying for it. Hell, I’d be thrilled if I WAS paying for it. You know what, fuck it — I’m going to Friendly’s. “HEY BABE GET YOUR SHIT WE’RE GETTING FRIBBLES!!”
(Sorry, speech-to-text was enabled)
Seriously though, I don’t understand women. Pre-girlfriend, my dating sequence was flawless:
First date: Drinks at a place within a quarter mile of my home. If I’m paying then I’m not walking more than 5 minutes. Get 2-3 beers, go to a place for a bite if the date is going well, give a respectful hug at the end of the night cause I’m a gentleman, probably get ghosted.
Second date: Dinner at a nice, but not great restaurant, usually within 100 yards of my home. Anything further and I’ll sweat through my collared shirt. I like to pick this one place in the North End where they know who I am and give me free shit so I look cool. Order any dish without red sauce (will spill on myself), remember to ask her basic questions such as “do you have siblings?” and “what’s your name?” and try not to finish the meal more than 7 minutes before her so she doesn’t feel awkward. End the night with a gentle kiss and pussy out of asking her if she wants to come up and see the apartment.
Third date: Now that she’s 85% sure that I’m not an axe murderer, invite her to come to my place for a homemade dinner. Usually try to have the dinner ready before she gets there because I’m the messiest chef ever, sweat a ton in the kitchen, and do NOT like when anyone tries to talk to me while I’m cooking so it’s an awkward beginning to the date. I always ball out for this dinner and make something super fancy as if it’s normal. I’ve done shit like a truffle grilled cheese on homemade bread with a roasted tomato soup. For my girlfriend, I made a pan fried gnocchi in brown butter with peas, pancetta, and shaved parmesan. This is followed by an hour of actually watching a movie while working up the courage to do the yawn arm around the shoulder move because I’m still mentally 13.
My plating could use some work, I grant you.
Those to me seem like excellent dates. But apparently it’s not enough for some members of the fairer sex. So with all that said, let’s break down a few locales from this list.
Cheesecake Factory/Applebee's/Chili's/Olive Garden
Just immediate lunacy to start this list. Really ladies? You think you’re too good for fast casual family-friendly dining? Cheesecake Factory is an ELITE first date spot. I literally went on a first date in high school there. It didn’t work out, but that was more to do with me being inattentive and playing with my straw wrapper than the restaurant itself.
Chili’s is unironically one of my favorite restaurants on earth. I’ve ordered a Chili’s app sampler for myself on Doordash more than one time. I love chicken crispers, I love southwestern eggrolls, and I love $1 margs. This is a fun and affordable first date.
Olive Garden being on here is perhaps the biggest shock of the whole list. I thought bitches loved the OG? Bottomless breadsticks that you can complain about because carbs, but then eat like 45 of them and roll some up in a napkin and put in your purse for later. I legit think my sister will marry the first guy who takes her on an Olive Garden date.
Your house/any fast food chain
I get both of these. They’re both cheapo-o moves from guys who don’t want to put an honest effort forward and show their date the respect they deserve. Also inviting a girl you’ve never met to your house is serial killer shit. Having said all that, the end of a date late night fast food can be an elite move. Crush a QP from McDick’s while talking a romantic waterfront walk — that’s love.
Buffalo Wild Wings
Fuck you, BWW is heaven on earth. Wings, beer, sports. What more do you want out of life you ungrateful harpies?
Wingstop/Red Lobster
Yeah this is poor people shit. See, I’m not just blindly going to bat for every chain restaurant. I have some objectivity on this matter.
The gym/church
Ok see this part of the list I can get behind. People who do gym dates fucking suck. I don’t need a girl seeing me sweat through my shorts and sheepishly haul a 30 lb dumbbell back to the rack after realizing I can’t curl it. Also if you’re the kind of couple that like gym dates, your relationship is doomed. Health and beauty fade — you need to be prepared for the 40 years where you can’t run half marathons together and are slowly dying.
If you take a girl to church on a date you’re just telling her that the rest of her life is going to be weird and boring. Nothing against organized religion, but you’re essentially the biggest loser in the world if the good book is your idea of a good time.
Starbucks/coffee dates/ice cream dates
I’m sorry ladies but isn’t Starbucks like your whole schtick? You go in, use an Italian word to order a “coffee” drink that would make an old Nonna spit in your face, add 15 shots of diabetes, then we get to know each other in a comfortable environment. What the hell is wrong with that?
And ice cream dates?! You’re so edgy that you don’t like ICE CREAM now? This is a classic, wholesome, nostalgic date that reminds you of simpler times when men took their girl out for an egg cream then necked at makeout point before spending their entire life unsuccessfully selling a now-obsolete product and struggling with low-grade alcoholism. Back when men were men.
Nightclubs/Hookah Bar
I feel like only Persian guys do this.
Sports events
“Ew Becky it was so gross. He literally spent $200 on tickets + another $80 on two beers and 3 chicken fingers to marvel at some of the greatest athletic specimens alive do something that only a handful of people on earth can do, all while joining his fellow man in supporting something bigger than himself which uplifts an entire community of working class people. It gave me the mega ick.”
In summation ladies, maybe just tell us where you want to go. Because our efforts clearly aren’t appreciated.
