Trying to find fault with Paul Skenes
Look this might not be the most relatable blog I ever write but I have to get it off my chest.
I fucking hate Pittsburgh Pirates rookie phenom Paul Skenes.
For those who don’t know him, Paul Skenes is the hottest player in baseball right now. He is a 22-year-old who throws a 100 mph and has taken the MLB by storm. In just his first year, he’s arguably the best pitcher in the game.
So why the hate for such a talented young player just making his way into the league?
Because he’s perfect.
I’m hating on this dude out of pure, unbridled jealousy. And I’m fully conscious of that fact.
Think that this is stupid and I should just be happy for a kid living his dream? Ok, well let me set the stage for you about who Paul Skenes is and what his life has been like the last year or so. Let’s see if you don’t end up resenting him a bit too.
Just starting with the basics, Paul Skenes is a 6’6” pitcher from Southern California. His senior year of high school he had a 0.33 ERA and a 4.7 GPA.
At 18 he was cooler than I’ll ever be.
He then played college baseball at LSU, where he broke a longstanding strikeout record for both the school and the conference. Skenes finished his college career by winning Most Outstanding Player of the College World Series after leading the Tigers to a national championship in 2023.
Mere months later, he was drafted first overall in the MLB draft by the Pittsburgh Pirates. His signing bonus? $9.2 million, largest ever at the time.
After embarrassing every minor leaguer over the course of half a season, he got the call up to the Pirates earlier this year.
In just his second major league start, he was pulled after six innings while throwing a no-hitter in which he struck out 11 batters.
Last month, he was pulled after seven innings while throwing a no-hitter in a game in which he struck out 11 batters.
That was not a duplication. This dude has taken multiple no-hitters into the 7th. He has played in 13 games of professional baseball.
Pretty small sample size though right? Well after starting his MLB career with a perfect 6-0 record and a 1.90 ERA like an asshole, that sample size was deemed large enough for Paul Skenes to START the All-Star game. For those who don’t know, that honor is reserved for the best pitcher in each league.
He is a rookie. He started the All-Star game as a rookie.
If that weren’t enough, our friend Paul decided he needed others to benefit from his success, choosing to donate $100/strikeout this season to the Gary Sinise Foundation. The foundation’s mission is to “serve our nation by honoring our defenders, veterans, first responders, their families, and those in need.”
Oh dope, he’s philanthropic. Sick, so sick bro.
As of this writing, he has donated $10,300 to the foundation. Oh yeah, I forgot — dude has over 100 strikeouts already. Again, he’s pitched in 13 games.
Oh and speaking of the troops, Skenes, who likely has a 20-year MLB career and a billion dollars ahead of him, is already looking towards retirement:
😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐
Ok so if you’re keeping track: National Champion, first overall pick, multi-millionaire, started the All-Star game, wants to serve his country, donates a ton to the troops.
Great, he’s a hell of a ballplayer and apparently a great guy. But I bet he’s too focused on his craft to get any girls, right? Probably just such a weird baseball nerd that he can’t even talk to girls. Haha right?
Livvy Dunne. Fucking Livvy Dunne — the LSU gymnast turned Instagram IT girl, SI Swimsuit model, and brand spokesperson for whatever pair of leggings your girlfriend is currently wearing. Paul Skenes is dating her ⬇️
I don’t think words can express how much I hate this dude.
His girlfriend is not only stunning, she is highly successful in her own right, raking in millions in endorsements and Instagram hot person dollars.
And she’s super supportive of his career and passion. Probably gonna get married and have a gorgeous family and live in a sick house and do charitable shit to better the world. Assholes.
At this point if you think I’m just being bitter…I am actually, that’s accurate. But it’s justified! No one can be this perfect. And I’m not the only one taking notice:
I’m in a group chat that is solely devoted to hating on Paul Skenes. That’s the level of hate, we’ve gotten to. If you think that’s sad, you’re right, but I just need to find something wrong with this guy.
So if you’ll indulge me for a minute more, here’s me grasping at straws trying to find a fault in Paul Skenes.
1. He’s dating a college chick
Livvy made the decision to do a 5th year at LSU so Paul Skenes is officially the creep who graduated and is still dating a college girl. Yikes dude. Imagine working your day job then going to a frat party? Couldn’t be me. Probably shows up at the baseball stadium drinking a 40 in a paper bag, telling anyone who walks by that he “used to go here.” Also the mustache gives very sus vibes. I’d keep an eye on this dude if I’m the cops.
2. Has never made the playoffs*
Wow Paul, I thought you were this elite superstar pitcher. You can’t even get your team into the playoffs? Bad teammate imo. Probably just out there to stat pad and secure a bag.
*He’s a rookie and therefore hasn’t had the opportunity to make the playoffs yet.
3. Maybe deserted the Air Force/should be in jail?
Fun fact: before transferring to LSU, Skenes was playing baseball for the Air Force Academy. He left after his sophomore year, which as far as I’m concerned is desertion from the United States military. Many are saying he belongs in federal prison. Not me, but many.
And that is that. I’m a desperate, sad man, and hopefully you are too after reading how much richer and more accomplished this guy is than you.
Whatever, the other shoe will drop eventually. No one can be this perfect for a sustained period of time.
Eventually, you’ll trip up Skenes, and I’ll be here when you do. Laughing. At my desk. In a dark room. Alone. Likely eating a Lean Cuisine. That’ll show you pal.
Paul Skenes currently has the second best odds to win the NL Cy Young. He is a rookie.
