The biggest assholes from the 2024 Met Gala
My favorite time of the year — the sun is coming out (of the closet?), nature is in bloom, and a bunch of rich pricks are paying $75,000 to dress in vague garments that technically qualify as clothes in support of an old building that houses paintings.
What a country.
Yes, the Met Gala happened this past Monday, much to my delight and everyone else’s detest. This year’s theme was “The Garden of Time,” inspired by J.G. Ballard’s 1962 short story of the same name. Really going mass appeal with that one. Who hasn’t read the complete works of J.G. Ballard? “The Garden of Time” is right up there with The Giver and Oh The Places You’ll Go in terms of ubiquity. Glad J.G. is finally get the acclaim he deserves.
That theme underscores what I really enjoy about the MG — it doesn’t shy away from its own pretentiousness. It is fully self-aware of how out of touch it is. For instance, the event’s own description says, “The event welcomes stars, young creatives, and industry paragons.” I am a writer for a living. I blog for fun in my spare time. If you put a gun to my head, I would have told you ‘paragon’ was either a geometric shape or a kind of rock formation. Even their word choice is the worst. The whole event is pure comedy fodder for normal people who don’t have enough money to be this weird and I am all in on it.
And with that being said let’s not delay this any further. I’m here with my favorite blog of the year to break down the biggest assholes from the most magical night in NYC. I went through a 256-slide blog on Vogue’s website to assess every outfit and determine the two dozen or so biggest assholes at the ultimate asshole convention. A lot of fits caught my eye this year, so I’m going to group some people into categories for the sake of time.
Alright, Met Gala 2024 biggest assholes in no particular order, let’s go:
Amy Fine Collins
I should actually address this right from the jump: who the fuck are these people? Am I supposed to know who this is? As someone who wears sweat shorts and basketball jerseys to bars, I don’t expect to be super in touch with the fashion world, but it seemed like there were a lot of randos this year. Is this event too obnoxious for even the Hollywood elite? Troubling to say the least. Anyways, this chick looks like she presides over a Hunger Games for elves. Her hat is a croissant and her shoes look like something Mermaid Man from Spongebob would wear. Boom roasted.
Cole Escola
I was actually typing that this person looks the flower girl in a non-binary wedding when I found out Cole actually is non-binary. So I’m either way more or way less woke than I thought. In all seriousness, all the power to you Cole, 100% live your truth, but I’m gonna call it like I see it — you look like a 1950s nurse who suffocates psyche patients that won’t stop screaming. Respect you wearing the sensible shoes though. Comfort over everything.
Jordan Roth
Just based on how many people have flowers on their fits I’m assuming that’s part of the short story theme? First off:
Tell em’ Miranda you cold bitch! Look, I appreciate Jordan’s effort here, but you just look like the kid who has to play a mute tree in the background of a school play because they ran out of speaking parts. Also, again, who is this?
Doja Cat
Hey, I know this person! Doja Cat is famous enough that she can get away with putting no effort into this event. This looks like something Kanye would make his wife wear in public. It’s essentially just the undershirt I use to absorb my sweat whenever I have to wear a suit.
The soldiers
Getting into the categories now for the sake of brevity and to avoid repetition — there’s like 25 of these to get through. Each of these people were kind of giving a military aesthetic so I figured they fit well together. Let’s break them down left to right:
Gustav Magnar - This is what I imagine a Roman soldier would look like if Jesus was crucified in Provincetown. As a fat guy, I especially appreciate the bedazzled-on six pack. Those little touches really bring the look together.
Bad Bunny - Bad Bunny, seen here wearing a suit that apparently never got the tailoring it was marked for, looks like a guard in Napoleonic France who just immediately surrenders at the first sign of danger. Drawbridge drops in seconds when BB is manning the lever.
Paloma Elsesser - Interesting choice naming your kid after a tequila drink but who I am to judge. Paloma is wearing what appears to be an armored corset. It’s like Braveheart if they were trying to protect a brothel from the British.
Erykah Badu
Gonna choose to ignore that spelling of Erica and focus on the fit. Granted it’s hard NOT to focus on the fit. I can fucking hear that dress it’s so loud. She looks sort of like if Mexico had the King’s Guard. She looks like the airline told her she has one too many carry-ons so she opts to just wear all of her clothes rather than check the bag. There’s literal layers to this look. We got salsa dancing in the back, that tissue paper crap that girls put on top of bagged presents in the middle, and then on top, it’s one of those painted wooden cutouts you see at farms that you stick your head in and take a novelty photo as if you’re in the scene. Just too much going on here.
The prop masters
See these four are just sad. None of them had the balls to dress particularly outlandishly so they try to compensate with props. You got Camila Cabello on the left carrying an ice purse. What statement is that making, huh? You hate the janitor and like soggy house keys?
Meanwhile Michael Shannon is phoning it in harder than me on Friday’s with a bag of Lays he slapped a Balenciaga label on. I truly don’t even have a guess as to what the symbolism is there. However, if it’s actually just an excuse for him to hammer chips at a $75,000 fundraiser under the guise of fashion I’m all the way back in.
Adwoa Aboah is rocking the ultimate prop: a baby. Frankly, a good move by her — automatic conversation starter, gets you priority seating, let’s people know you have sex, it’s a win-win-win. Also real tough moment for me realizing that this woman who is growing a literal person inside of her has a less protruding stomach than me. Gotta reevaluate some stuff.
And finally, our old friend Marc Jacobs. Here’s what I wrote about Marc last year: “There’s just something about this Marc Jacobs fella — I don’t like the cut of his jib. He comes in wearing clothes he made himself like he’s the poor kid who can’t afford a costume for the school play.” Oh look he added acrylic nails to the look…how wacky and original. Biggest event of the season and dude gets the same manicure as a DMV employee or apathetic call center worker.
Usher
Gonna fire off a few rapid fire ones to speed this along. Usher looks like he hunts werewolves with a crossbow for a living. He looks like someone you call to reverse a poltergeist. He looks like he’s dating the Phantom of the Opera.
Michelle Yeoh
Didn’t know Chipotle made dresses now.
Andrew Scott
“Yeah I actually just came straight from the gym. Got in a really good pump so I figured I’d let the arms breath.”
Fuck you dude, who even are you? You look like the shady boyfriend who turns out to be a vampire on a CW show.
Cardi B
This outfit is like if Marge Simpson and the smoke monster from Lost had a baby.
Nnamdi Asomugha
This one isn’t actually weird except for the fact that fucking Nnamdi Asomugha got invited to the Met Gala. What, did literally every other athlete alive say no? 😂😂
For those of you without my encyclopedic affinity for football, Nnamdi here was a cornerback in the NFL for about 10 years in the early 2000s. After a couple dominant seasons, he swindled the Eagles into paying him $60M in 2011 and rounded out what was supposed to be a “Dream Team” in Philly. They went 8-8 and he got cut like a year later for being terrible lololol. Fucking Nnamdi Asomugha lmao.
Lizzo
The cone of shame is an interesting choice for Lizzo here. It makes her look vaguely like a Demogorgon from Stranger Things.
Olivier Rousteing
So this dude had time to make an exact carving of his face out of sand(?) and put it on a shirt but couldn’t find a single pair of pants within a foot and half of his proper length?
Virginia Smith (middle)
This is the person who wears a tuxedo t-shirt to a black tie event. You’re wearing pajamas to the Met Gala, kind of underplaying the whole formality of it. I think that’s funny as hell.
The Winged Ones
J. Harrison Ghee (left) and Precious Lee (right) got a good witch/bad witch thing going on. They look like if the Wizard of Oz was made from the perspective of dragonflies. Nice to see that Ghee used Kim Mulkey’s designer also.
The tree twins
Quick moment of silence for intergalactic protector Groot who gave his life to make two shitty dresses. Silly as these outfits look, they’re both extremely innovative. Taylor Russell’s (right) is the first dress in the history of fashion that needed to be sanded and varnished. While Lana (left) is wearing the first dress to fully protect you from contracting malaria. She needs to be careful with that crown of thorns though. Bedazzled Roman soldier guy is still lurking around there somewhere.
Sarah Paulson
Sarah Paulson looks like one of those flyers you see on community bulletin boards. Like if I pull one of those tabs on her dress I’m either going to be getting guitar lessons or learning conversational mandarin. Also kind of looks like a piñata that’s just filled with loose Pepto Bismol.
And that is a wrap on the 2024 Met Gala. I’m both sad it’s over and sad that all of these people exist. Sound off in the comments who you thought was the biggest asshole of the evening. Until next year…
