If the planets were professional sports teams
Holy shit I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for content now. I gotta get some outside writers for this thing. If you’re interested, drop your resume in the backseat of an UberEats car — it will get to me eventually.
Anyways, it wouldn’t shock many of you longtime readers to know that I spend a good deal of my time in my head. And the 10% of it that isn’t terrifying or anxiety-provoking is usually spent coming up with pointless hypotheticals or drawing random comparisons.
This is sort of both.
A while back, me and some of the lads were shooting the shit about the planets. Why, I’m not entirely sure. My best guess is the moon was a slightly different color than usual and everyone acted like it was the second coming of Christ.
Either way I was exceedingly bored at the time and decided to go down a little mental rabbit hole. And that led me, as you might have guessed, to comparing the planets, (something I know next to nothing about), to professional sports franchises, (something I know way too much about). Let’s go.
Mercury: Cleveland Browns
Mercury is by and large irrelevant, right? It’s only real use is as the temperature gauge in a thermometer for some reason and I’m told that kind of mercury is an elemental liquid and in no way related to the planet.
The Browns are equally as irrelevant as the planet Mercury, save for one key factor. They are so historically bad at football that it becomes newsworthy. They’re always going backwards. And what is the one thing Mercury the planet is ever in the news for? Going backwards.
The phrase “Mercury is in retrograde” is likely familiar to all of you astrology buffs/people who want to use a planet 106 million miles away as an explanation for why you have seasonal depression. As the theory goes, Mercury being in retrograde means everything in your life gets thrown into disarray, and everyone gets mad at it.
If you’re a Cleveland Browns fan, something going the wrong way and making you upset is par for the course. I rest my case.
Venus: Golden State Warriors
Venus is known as being the hottest planet in our solar system by a country mile at 900 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s basically on fire.
Know who else is on fire? The Splash Bros, Steph and Klay, of the Golden State Warriors. These two have revolutionized the NBA with their lights out attack from beyond the arc. It doesn’t take much for these two to catch fire.
They are by far, the hottest shooting duo in NBA history and pair nicely with the hottest planet in the solar system.
Earth: 90s Chicago Bulls
If you lived through the 90s or watched The Last Dance, you know about the Chicago Bulls run. 6 total NBA championships in the decade, led by the GOAT Michael Jordan and a supporting cast of Hall of Famers and NBA legends.
It was the most dominant team ever. Earth is the most dominant planet ever. Oxygen rich atmosphere, a shitload of water, and the only planet we know of with people and animals and whatnot.
Plus since the world is kind of going to shit, we might be witnessing our own Last Dance as we speak. Death imitates art.
Mars: Present day Chicago Bulls
Mars is nowhere near the legend that Earth or the 90s Bulls are.
But, you know, it’s still a planet. It doesn’t do much. It’s just sort of there, doing planet stuff. It’s only real notable characteristic is that it’s the “Red Planet.”
The modern day Chicago Bulls are similar. They have their iconic red color and not much else. They’re not horrible, but not particularly good. Haven’t made real noise in a while. They’re just kind of there, being red and decent. Just like Mars.
The Sun: The Suns
Yeah… I mean, I don’t really think I need to explain this one.
Jupiter: Dallas Cowboys
Ahh Jupiter, the planet that looks kind of like when a BBQ chef has a big clear plastic tub of layered spices that he’s going to slather onto a whole side of beef.
Jupiter is the biggest planet in the solar system by far, more than twice the size of all other planets combined (Headline skimmed from Google results).
The biggest aka most valuable franchise in sports? The Dallas Cowboys.
Dem Boys are worth $5.7B per a Forbes article dated last year. The current number is available, I’m just not going to look it up. They are still known as America’s team for some reason. Love em or hate em, (presumably hate em), they’re too big to ignore.
Jupiter is the same way. It’s massive, so you have to acknowledge it. But what has it done for me lately? Yeah Jupiter was all the rage in the 90s, but that was almost 30 years ago. Win something this century and we’ll talk Jupiter.
Saturn: New England Patriots
Two powerhouses that are known for their rings. Saturn has 7 rings to the Patriots 6. However Tom Brady has 7 total.
This could either mean that we’re due for another Super Bowl soon, or Tom Brady himself is Saturn. I always assumed he wasn’t of this Earth, so I’m leaning towards the latter.
Neptune: Toronto Blue Jays
They’re both blue and exist in cold environments. It’s a blue marble in space — there’s only so many comparisons I can draw.
Uranus (lol): New York Yankees
No clue why Uranus isn’t perfectly round. It’s freaking me out to stare at Uranus. It also looks kind of like it’s bleached. Uranus is bleached. These 4th grade jokes doing it for anyone? No? Whatever — you don’t get comedy, fuck you.
First off, all the teachers that tried to pronounce it “Yer-uh-niss” to avoid everyone giggling, you’re bad at your job. I don’t care if that’s actually how it’s pronounced — you do not deprive children of their right to laugh at a slightly dirty sounding word and then discuss buttholes all during lunch period. Let them have a childhood for God’s sake.
Secondly, how does Uranus relate to the Yankees. Simple: Yankees fans are assholes.
The guy above isn’t even an extreme example. Google Yankees fans and I promise you’ll find a way to hate every single person you see in the picture. Just a bunch of New York pricks with gold chains, wife beaters, and undeserved sense of entitlement. When even slightly provoked they’ll start bragging about 27 rings, the majority of which were earned before women could vote, and only 1 of which they were actually alive for.
I like virtually every person I meet. I think you can find a redeeming quality in most everyone (except Hitler, he’s all the way awful, don’t want to Kanye myself). It’s cliche but I strongly believe you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Not Yankees fans. Don’t even flip to the dedication page. Cover is all you need. If Yankees fans were a book, they’d be “Bleak House” or “Death of a Salesman.” Yep, this house sure is bleak. Yep, this salesman for sure died (spoiler alert for anyone who hasn’t started high school yet. Btw how did you find this blog? Don’t read this, you’re a child!)
The Yankees and their fans are assholes is the bottom line.
Pluto: Tampa Bay Rays
Pluto has had an up and down few years. First they were a planet, then they weren’t, then Rick and Morty did an episode about them, then they were a planet again.
They’re really small. They’re small and don’t often get the respect they deserve because of their size. Exactly like the Tampa Bay Rays.
The Rays are a small market team, don’t really have many fans, next to no budget, and are constantly disrespected and disregarded as a result. Yet they always manage to make some noise. Like Pluto, they always find themselves in the headlines or making noise on the biggest stage.
I’m here to put some respect on both Pluto and the Rays names.
