Phone it in Friday
Oh God, even writing this 20-minute blog is a chore today. I cloned the last blog just so I don’t repeat any ideas. My organization could use some work.
I’ve had a low-level front of the forehead ache all week, which I thought to be due to my aforementioned hangover, but I think it was just my body being mad at the amount of sodium I consume. Regardless, as a result of this and some random persistent nausea, I haven’t been in the mood to do much all week. So I’ve been phoning it in for days now.
I don’t even have the energy to transition this smoothly. This should be fun. Let’s get stupid:
Big ideas
An alternative to “Everybody Poops” meant to discourage kids from pooping. It will be called “You’re the only one who poops you little freak” - I get that teaching kids about digestive health is good in the long term, but you get the kid all hyped up about dropping heat and you’re the one who has to deal with it. Foster some shame around the activity and your life is a little easier.
An erotic novel called “A Cock to Remember” - Idk what the original book is even about so you can’t get mad at me for making light of it.
A curling team comprised entirely of janitors - Sweeping is like 90% of it
Electric wheelchair marathon - Wheelchair athletes in the Boston Marathon are unbelievable. That’s a level of resilience and determination I will never have. Having said that, there are presumably some people in wheelchairs who don’t have the drive to train for a marathon. Enter, electric wheelchair marathon. The athletes would only work out their dominant wrist. Winner would just be whoever pushes the throttle forward first and holds it for like 6 hours.
Ugly Sweater Kiosk at the mall (ACTUAL IDEA) - Never understood why no one ever rented out one of those sus kiosks in the middle of the mall just for the month of December and sold ugly sweaters. It can’t be that expensive and you’d make a killing. Just make one that says, “It’s the THOT that counts” with an image of some risque, Mean Girls-esque Santa girl, and you’ll have every edgy Euphoria-wannabe throwing money at you.
A TV show called “Basketball Court” - It’s like Judge Judy except it takes place courtside at an active JV basketball game.
Dance Dads - Remember Dance Moms? This is just that except all the dads are just chilling in the lobby reading Golf Digest or wishing they had sons to coach in something. Absolutely no drama.
A super quiet hearing aid commercial - Your hearing may be perfectly fine, but I’m trying to move some product here. Crank the volume way down on a hearing aid commerical and maybe you start second guessing some things.
Couch fridge - I think this one actually exists now but I wrote it when I was 18 so I’m a genius. Perfect for the lazy sports fan who wants to be more drunk but doesn’t want to move all of his limbs.
Vodka Ice Cubes - Same idea as when brunch places put ice in your mimosa that’s just frozen orange juice so it doesn’t dilute the drink. The only issue here is vodka doesn’t freeze so we’ll need the boys in the lab to work something out. The idea is there though.
Naderall - Natty Light combined with Adderall. Perfect for a college student trying to strike a work/life balance where they’re literally trying to work and party at the exact same time. Would not recommend you take this if you want to remember your night or maintain your current organs.
Sad life snippets
Went to a personal trainer for the first time in my life on Wednesday. The dude didn’t do any baseline training to see what my limits are — he just had me do what he has everyone do. I actually thought my heart was going to start bleeding. Felt like I was breathing in knives.
I’ve spent over $50 on a single GoPuff multiple times and I don’t even smoke weed
Me and the roomies were bored one time and started trying to gender pasta. Angel hair is a girl. Orzo is a guy. Penne and Pappardelle are both guys, but ravioli and farfalle are girls. Somehow this will be the thing that gets me canceled.
I once threw up a Blizzard in a McDonald’s parking lot, which implies I went to Dairy Queen and McDonald’s within a 2-hour time span.
You know the move at a bar where you have the bartender send a girl a drink on your tab and then you raise your glass when she looks over at you? I once did that, except I sent a cup of chili instead of a drink. I knew the girl and had no intention of making moves on her. Just did it for the bit.
I knew I wasn’t ready for a real relationship when I was younger because a girl I was seeing told me I was her best friend, and my immediate thought was that she’s not my best friend. My best friend’s names are Dan and Slick and we play fun games together!
To this day, every time I order at a Dunks I do it in a Boston accent. I just want them to like me.
When they were filming that God-awful Ryan Reynolds/Will Ferrell Christmas movie in Boston last year, I kept walking by the set with my full beard, hoping they would cast me as young Santa Clause.
There are at least 4 bottles of TUMS in my house right now.
I once switched trucker hats just before a work call because I thought one looked more professional than the other.
I’m a very positive drunk and always get lovey dovey with my close friends and just generally hyped to people I don’t know as well. Anyways, I was hammered one time and was just gassing this random old guy up to stay alive. He wasn’t sick or anything. It was just a general pump up.
Only job I’ve ever thought I was qualified for is the guy who throws in timely soundbites from movies/tv on morning talk radio.
I don’t think I’ve ever successfully hit every loop on my belt.
My stripper name would be Apathy.
What’s on my mind right now
The Meisters in Game of Thrones/House of the Dragon are legitimately useless. Their solution to everything is some shitty potion made with dragon bone marrow and sparrow hair and it never cures anything. Also half the diseases people have in that world are apparently incurable. They just throw up their hands and say there’s nothing they can do. They were literally chiseling fucking Viserys’ face off because he had some sores. That was their first solution. It’s a world where dragons exist and 14-year-old girls can convincingly impersonate 80-year-old men — you guys can take 20 minutes to figure out antibiotics. Also they’re pedophiles. Creeps, the lot of them.
Anyone know what happened to the capsule smelling salts that you crack, it turns red, and then you inhale ammonia? They don’t sell those anymore. Was addicted to em for 2 years solid and would like them back.
Do you think there are bipolar bears?
There has to be one guy who forgot how to ride a bike. Like if you haven’t ridden a bike for 40 years and were never really into it as a kid, there’s gotta be some rust to shake off.
Imagine if modern day cruise ships had the same policies about sick passengers that ships in the 1600s did when small pox hit? Like if someone on a Carnival Cruise sneezed they just yoss them overboard. Would serve them right for going on a cruise.
Speaking of ships, what’s the deal with maritime law? Is that a real thing? Like could I theoretically go out to the middle of the Atlantic and just operate a tax-free casino? I’m not saying I’m going to, I’m just wondering how far a country’s jurisdiction extends.
The struggling economy has probably impacted clowns the hardest. Just look at how many of them have to carpool together. Thank you, I’m here till Thursday.
If a Hindu gets multiple life sentences, do they just keep getting reincarnated in prison until they’ve served their term?
British people are all just named after whatever they were doing at the time names became a thing. Drinkwater. Fisher. Cook. Gayorgy.
Was at a urinal at a Bruins game one time and some hammered townie guy comes in, picks the urinal directly next to another guy when there were roughly 12 other ones available, looks up at the dude and says, “Hey bud what’s your full name?” I think about that at least twice a day.
I wrote this at 2AM. Tomorrow is going to be a mess. Try not to get a 5-day hangover this weekend.
