Phone it in Friday
It’s like 30 degrees out and I’m dumping sweat after walking 0.25 miles in a hoodie. My body is really bad at regulating its temperature. Or I’m just fat. Either way, here’s some shit that happened to me:
Sad life snippets
My girlfriend occasionally expresses concern about my gambling, (I’m on a heater, it’s cool), but that reminded me of the time when a girl was breaking up with me (which time, am I right?!) and mid-breakup she just randomly threw in that I have a gambling addiction. Wasn’t related to why she broke up with me, it was just an aside she felt worth mentioning lmao.
Post Super Bowl party we had a giant ass tray of buffalo mac n cheese taking up a ton of space in our fridge. Knowing I would hammer it myself if given the opportunity, I wanted to remove the temptation. My roommate had suggested last year that we bring the tray to the local fire department for the boys to eat. This was suggested partially to thank them for their hard work and largely because we want to be boys with the fire department. So this year we decide to follow through. We grab the tray, lug it down to the station in the cold and knock on the firehouse door. I explain we had some leftover mac and we’d love to offer it to them. The dude’s response, “Well…we’re already cooking dinner right now.” Yeah you don’t need to eat it right now bro. After a few seconds he realized we were just being nice, said thank you and took the tray. But it was too late, the damage was done. #AFAB
The other day I was having a pregame drink (by myself) and wanted to make a mixie instead of cracking open a beer. Unfortunately I quickly realized that we don’t have any juice or seltzer or anything that could conceivably dilute the alcohol. Long story short I ended up drinking a Vodka-Liquid IV.
Was at a bar with a live band that seemingly let anyone get on stage and dance as they played. STRONGLY considered getting up there and attempting to stage dive but then realized the entire front row was 104 lbs 21-year-old girls whose clavicles I would shatter with my mass.
This bar had a bit of a younger crowd which for me means people watching way too drunk dudes in their early twenties unsuccessfully try to hit on chicks. I began to reminisce about my younger days doing the same thing at college bars before realizing that I spent 90% of those nights eating wings and drinking a personal pitcher of skunked Miller High Life at the bar. I distinctly remember turning down a female friend’s offer to dance because I was watching the end of the Cs. Probably misused those years…
This bar had a bathroom attendant who I’m still not 100% sure worked for the bar. Anyways I took a leak and started chatting with him. Told him I’d tip him but I didn’t have any cash on me. He then held up a QR code with his venmo link. He didn’t give me a paper towel because I didn’t wash my hands but I sent him $5 anyways for “vibes.”
Was going for a late night walk to get remaining steps in the other day and ventured to a park I enjoy passing through. It was there that I stumbled upon two strange park folk who I’m almost positive were real-life NPCs. I strolled through that park like 5 times over the course of a half hour and the guys were each doing the exact same thing every time. One dude was jumping up and down with one foot onto a skate ramp. The other guy was lying fully horizontal on a swing. The latter guy was probably on heroin now that I think about it.
Some kid (like an actual 12-year-old kid) was on the train next to me explaining the concept of want vs need to his younger sister. He used the example, “you may want candy, but you need food” and he made me simultaneously feel bad about both my spending & eating habits. Also think the kid may have been some sort of doomsday prepper. He was like, “if you’re in the wild, you may want an iPad but you need flint and a buck knife.” Ok he didn’t give those specific examples but he was going into a lot of detail on survival situations.
Last one, happened 30 minutes ago. I was walking through the grocery store when I heard a child giggling in the aisle ahead of me. She came to the end of the aisle just as I was rounding the corner and she literally shrieked when she saw me. Sincerely hope it was just cause of the shock of me appearing suddenly.
It’s my birthday weekend. Really hope no one has anything really cool and special planned for me, I would hate that haha.
