Phone it in Friday
First blog of the New Year and today is the 5th — how’s that for phoning it in. I got a massive backlog of this shit, let’s rip it:
Sad life snippets
Was going to a black tie Christmas party because that’s something my age group does now apparently. I’m guessing it’s an attempt to get some mileage out of the suits we all thought would play more of a role in adult life, but the intent is irrelevant. Point is, I went to put on my tie and realized I just forgot how to tie it. Bear in mind, I went to 8 years of Catholic school and did many job interviews. This is not a skill I should have lost. I think your brain just starts slowly dying as you get older.
At the aforementioned party, they were playing a game where you have to bend down and pick up an empty 30-rack box with your teeth without using your hands to aid you. Your hands can’t come into play at all — in other words, you can’t use them to pick up the box or as a balancing tool on the ground. Every single person was able to do it, but as a high-calorie human I had some struggles getting past my own body and getting down there. Stupid fucking game anyways. I dusted these losers at stack cup though so I won in the end.
Was at the gym at my parent’s old people community in Florida. Unsurprisingly, everyone else at that gym was old. So I’m stunting on everyone curling 15 lbs and boasting knees which are slightly less destroyed than theirs and I turn around and see some old guy squatting more weight than I’m capable of. Whatever, have fun with your shitty back dude.
Was hankering for something sweet late at night so I got up and grabbed the bowl of leftover halloween candy in our living room. Long story short I woke up cradling a bowl of candy. I’m never beating the allegations. And by allegations, I mean diabetes.
My girlfriend calls me most nights to talk about her day and hear about mine during my prime “lie in bed and plan out bets” hours. So essentially she’s being very sweet and trying to learn about my life while I map out a losing parlay on a school whose mascot is the Camels.
Speaking of the ol’ ball and chain, she got rightfully annoyed at me for something I don’t recall, though I assume it was a scenario similar to the one laid out in the last bullet. Later on in the conversation she apologized for yelling at me. I responded “it’s all good, no worries.” She then questioned if she actually yelled at me (she didn’t). I said no you didn’t actually yell, you were just annoyed because I wasn’t paying attention, which is fair. Then she got mad at me again for not telling her she wasn’t yelling at me.
Editor’s note: I ran this by my girlfriend to ensure she was ok with it being published and she denies that this was her or that it ever happened
Editors’ editor’s note: I am both the writer and the editor
Before Boston surprisingly finished a construction project, there was an rickety temporary bridge connecting the North End to Charlestown. Everyone single time I walked over it I rooted for it to collapse so I could fall harmlessly into the water below and sue the city for my pain and suffering. I’d pop to the surface with a neck brace on.
This is random but when I got laid off from my last job a little over a year ago, I had a ton of clerical issues with getting my unemployment. Eventually, I went to their office and got it cleared up. As I was leaving, the unemployment guy said, “Thank you, see you again soon.” I laughed and asked if he thought I was going to get laid off again. He said, “Well do you plan on working forever?” Uhh until I retire that would be nice, yeah.
Girlfriend was sleeping over one night after we had a mini gathering at the house. I had opened a bottle of hard cider towards the end of the night, but everyone went to bed before we finished the bottle. I didn’t want to let it go to waste so, while my girlfriend slept, I sat on the john and discretely chugged hard cider. No, YOU have a problem!
I was walking by the TD Garden and wanted some Dunkin so I busted out the mobile app and placed an order to the Dunks on the first floor in there. Only problem was I forgot there’s two Dunks within about 20 feet of each other and I ordered to the one by the commuter rail trains. This would have been fine, except unbeknownst to me, that area is now blocked off by those gates you can’t get through without a commuter rail ticket. So now I was faced with the choice of buying a commuter rail ticket or asking an MBTA employee to let me through the gate so I could get a bacon egg n’ cheese like a fatass. I reluctantly chose the latter. Guy couldn’t have been nicer though.
Enjoy your January folks! And by that I mean, try to stave off seasonal depression until the sun peeks out in three months!
