Phone it in Friday
Sorry for the lack of content lately. Been dealing with a GI thing for the last 3 weeks or so and it really zapped my energy/enthusiasm. I’m still dealing with it but it’s been long enough that I can’t use it as an excuse anymore. Most/all of this blog will be about my intestinal struggles. Get excited.
Sad life snippets
Was crushing some spicy ramen recently (can’t believe my stomach is fucked up) at this super authentic place where we were the only white people there, except for this scrawny expediter who spoke fluent Japanese somehow, so you know it’s legit. The servers yell out how you did with your meal after you’ve finished. i.e. “pretty good” if you finished a lot of it or “Perfect!” if you cleaned your bowl. As the guy drops off the meals for me and my boys, he was joking that one of us needs to step up and be the clear best eater in the group. I said I would definitely dominate and he responded, “Well…you’re in the professional category.” and looked down at my body. Turned pro in something.
Was at Chappelle’s standup about a month back and one of his openers made a joke about Boston having a lot of thicc boys. The joke got a good reaction and he said “yeah I see you size 38 jean-wearing motherfuckers.” I was wearing size 38 jeans.
Taking a break from me being fat for a moment, I ripped all of the new Jurassic world movies in a night out of “I can’t drink or go out” boredom and I’m pretty convinced every real life paleontologist is just full of shit. A bunch of scientists in some YouTube vid were discussing modern research that indicates some type of dinosaur may actually have been covered in feathers. The fuck do you mean modern research? Did a new dino just drop? The thing could have been covered head to toe in ballsack skin for all we know. Then one guy was talking about they had some interesting habit with their eggs or something. How do you know that dude? A fossil can’t tell you what it was doing before it got domed by a giant space rock. Bunch of nonsense science if you ask me.
I tried to do the NFL player intro thing (where you say your name and college) on a meeting with our new head of content. Didn’t get one laugh. Not even a smirk.
Was going for one of my daily walks recently and decided to carry a football around with me for 40 minutes for no reason other than ball security is job security.
Very briefly had a mustache last month for no real reason and happened to have a haircut the day I had it. The resulting look was either a gay guy in the 80s or someone who was violently opposed to homosexuality.
Alright let’s do the stomach ones:
I didn’t initially realize I was sick with a stomach infection of some sort because my diet the prior 3 days was mexican food, candy, indian food, and some tuna poke that I tried to stretch a few days longer than I should have. Just chalked it up to my body getting its revenge.
First week of this was so bad that both me and my toilet were on liquid diets. Thank you, thank you.
Probably didn’t do myself any favors a couple weekends ago where I declared myself free of any illness despite no evidence of that and then just hammered bagel bites and those mini chocolate donuts. Worth it.
Was at some shithole mall to try on a tux and decided to stress test the ol’ tummy with mall chinese food AND Auntie Anne’s in the same food court trip. Did not work. Again, worth it.
At one point early on in the illness I Googled “can you eat meatballs with an irritated stomach.” Feel like the answer is no but reddit was inconclusive.
Eventually went to the doc for my stomach and the nurse kept unsuccessfully taking my blood pressure. Eventually she realized she had to get the bigger arm band they borrowed from the zoo to get an accurate reading. Jokes on her, I’ve lost 12 lbs since this shit (pun intended) started. Malnutrition and intestinal inflammation for the win!
My roommate expressed a concern that our sections of the fridge are overflowing with food cause I haven’t been able to help delete any of it. I’m apparently extremely valuable to our kitchen ecosystem.
Heading to a wedding in Newport this weekend! Pray for every toilet in the state of Rhode Island as well as the company I rented my tux from.
