Onion Audition: Super Mario back in concussion protocol
THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Super Mario landed back on Nintendo’s injury report today after suffering a purported concussion during last week’s game. The plumber-turned-sort of rapey rescuer of Princesses was competing on Level 9 when he jumped up and collided head-on with a floating block containing a handful of coins. Mario appeared noticeably dazed as he tried to complete the level, struggling to maintain his balance as he jumped between steadily ascending and descending floating platforms.
Mario of course made headlines last year when he was suspended 6 levels after testing positive for anabolic mushrooms. Though he publicly disputes the steroid allegations, the cartoon icon did noticeably double in size the literal instant he ingested the performance-enhancing mushroom. A representative for Super Mario claims he was normal-sized when the latest head injury occurred.
Nintendo League officials became increasingly concerned when Mario began exhibiting signs of mood dysregulation, jumping on the head of a passing turtle then kicking it as it receded into its shell. Fortunately, the shell bounced off a nearby warp pipe and tripped Mario up, allowing medical personnel to intervene and pull Mario from the level before he ran out of lives.
Mario was taken to a nearby hospital where doctors planned to administer a series of cognitive function tests per Nintendo’s concussion protocol; however, they were unable to get past the first question, a source close to Mario Bros tells the Fatty Liver. When asked if he knew his name, a clearly confused Mario replied, “Of course, it’s a-me…” then began violently throwing up blood before he could finish his sentence.
The Nintendo veteran remains in the hospital for observation and is likely to be released tomorrow pending doctor approval. This is Mario’s 3rd concussion in the last 17 levels, casting a shadow of doubt over his future in the sport and raising questions about the ethics of bashing your head repeatedly in exchange for money. Nintendo, already playing without Donkey Kong for the next 4-6 weeks due to a torn rotator cuff in his barrel throwing arm, now find themselves without yet another superstar heading into the heart of the season.
