Onion Audition: “Must have shrunk in the wash,” area man lies to himself

FRAMINGHAM — A Massachusetts man was taken aback this week upon realizing his favorite shirt apparently shrunk in the wash. Matthew Flynn, 32, was gearing up for a night out with some college friends when he reached for his go-to going out shirt. Upon examining his outfit in the mirror however, he was shocked to see his stomach straining against the buttons of the silk Nordstrom garment. Flynn, who works remotely as a Business Development Representative, shrugged off the poor fitting as the result of a malfunctioning washing machine. “I’m going to call the Maytag guy first thing Monday because this is unacceptable,” notes Flynn. “This is my best party shirt by far. Know how many times I’ve almost gotten laid wearing this thing? Twice.” When pressed on the possibility that the shirt could appear tighter because of recent weight gain, Flynn chuckled nervously before fervently denying the claim. “Hell no, I’m in my athletic prime right now,” he exclaimed between heavy breaths. “I rip a 20-minute walk on the NordicTrack twice a week. Can’t gain weight when you’re burning those kind of calories.” Despite his mental gymnastics, Flynn ironically appears to be avoiding physical gymnastics or exercise of any kind per his roommate Thomas Collins. “Oh yeah, he’s gotten fat as shit,” notes Collins. “He goes through a couple bags of mini Entenmann’s donuts a week — roughly half of our furniture is caked in powdered sugar at any given time. Also like three times a week, he says he’s going to the gym, but I know for a fact that he just goes to the Chili’s bar to eat a Triple Dipper appetizer platter by himself. Matt loves Chili’s — calls it the Chill Zone.” Both Flynn and the Chili’s bartender refused to comment on these most recent allegations.