Onion Audition: Nation comes together to celebrate man whose mom just died
Tomorrow is coronation day for King Charles of House Imperialism, first of his name, ruler of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men. It’s a momentous occasion for a nation that hasn’t seen such a spectacle since his mother and predecessor Queen Elizabeth was first crowned in 1835.
Now that Lizzie’s body is confirmed cold, Great Britain can proceed with the time-honored tradition of giving a crown and scimitar to a purely ceremonial figurehead who will carry on a proud legacy of waving weirdly from a great distance.
We decided to hit the streets of London to hear what the people, and the royals themselves, think of Charles’ big day.
1. Tawny Winnybocker, Greengrocer
“I think it’s a welcome change for our country. An entire generation has grown up not knowing that it’s possible for old white men to be in charge. Representation matters.”
2. Nigel Squirebottom, Fish monger
“That’s all good and proper. So long as he doesn’t tax me out on the arse on me catch, we’ll get on fine. It’s already costing me 10 quid a day for my eel-ing license. Good source of protein eels are. Meaty little fuckers.”
3. Meghan Markle, American actress
“I won’t really know how I feel about it until I talk to Oprah during my 2-day, 4-hour long nationally televised interview. Also please respect my privacy at this time.”
4. Joe Biden, President of the United States
“I remember getting a coronation for my prom date Cindy Miller way back in 1960. Really nice, pink flower to match her dress. Man that Cindy had a dynamite set of yabos on her. Anyways, whenever I think of coronations, three words come to mind: IIsst… Redssy… Ploosh.” *Somehow trips up a flight of stairs*
5. Charles III, King of England
“Truthfully, I never imagined I’d get this far. In life, I mean.”
6. David Morgan-Hewitt, Hotel manager
*chewing an entire English breakfast* “Mmm isha verry esshiting time forrshhish nation. Passh the blood saushagges.”
7. William, Prince of Wales
“That’s right — enjoy your little crown old man. It will be mine soon enough. Just one more to go. Mwahaha”
8. Prince George, also of Wales
“Yeah, laugh it up pops. Just two more to go.”
9. Dennis, peasant
“Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.”
10. The entire countries of Scotland and Ireland
“Stick the coronation up your ass!”
