Onion Audition: Ghost of Area Man Upset Wife Didn’t Die Immediately After Him
*Going to start doing these occasionally. I’m a big fan of The Onion and think made up news stories are wicked funny, so I’m slinging satire until they hire me.
THE ETHEREAL PLANE —— A recently deceased area man is reportedly “conflicted” and “dismayed” at the realization that his wife didn’t immediately follow him into death.
Paul Gladstone, a longtime Cambridge resident now fluctuating between eternal states of being, was upset to realize that Sheila, his wife of 45 years, wasn’t distraught enough over his passing to die in rapid succession. Reached for comment via séance, Mr. Gladstone confirmed his mixed feelings. “Of course I’m happy she’s still alive, but at the same time it’s like … what the hell?” Gladstone said while weirdly accompanied by the disembodied spirit of baseball great Lefty Grove.
“I know it’s till death do us part, so technically we’re now parted, but she made a whole performance of not being able to live without me when I was in the hospital towards the end. Looks like she should’ve gone out for the community theater last fall after all.”
So-called “broken-heart syndrome” occurs when a spouse or significant other, so distraught over the death of their life partner, have an actual coronary event that triggers their own passing shortly thereafter. Unfortunately for Gladstone, such a bittersweet ending was simply not fated to be, as Sheila seems to have moved on “suspiciously quickly” per sources.
In fact, Mr. Gladstone himself was alarmed to discover his wife’s surprisingly upbeat disposition when he apparated into his own funeral services ala Tom Sawyer.
“I’m floating at the back of the receiving line listening to Lefty tell stories about striking out the Babe and the time he almost made it with Katy Hepburn, and Sheila is standing there with a shit-eating grin on her face and some dumbass hat that you’d wear to the Kentucky Derby after one of the horses got put down, just relishing in all the attention.”
To make matters worse, Sheila appeared “extra chummy” with Paul’s former business associate Gregory Bonafonte, according to sources close to the family, holding his hug for “a little too long.” It is worth noting that Paul’s newfound eternal consciousness confirmed his suspicions that the two had shared a drunken kiss at the ‘88 company Christmas party — so the exchange was an unwelcome but unsurprising development.
Though bitterly disappointed, Mr. Gladstone has no plans to haunt Bonafonte, stating, “She’ll haunt his nightmares better than I ever could. Good luck pal. Maybe you’ll be able to put a fitted sheet on the bed ‘the right way.’”
Editor’s Note: When asked by Ouija board if he still intends on ushering his wife into eternity when her time comes, Gladstone responded, “No comment.”
