Onion Audition: Dejected Little Engine knows he can’t
THE BASE OF A HILL —— The freight industry is under fire this morning, as a stalled cargo train has caused massive shipping delays across the country. The train, a multi-car steamer bound for St. Louis by way of Chicago, came to an abrupt halt late yesterday evening when it approached a steep hill on its route.
While the existence of a sharp upward slope on a freight route raises questions on its own, the hill has never posed a problem in the past. Granted, last fall's Blue Hills Express tragedy, which claimed the lives of 12 crew members, (as well as several transient stowaways), did occur in relative proximity to the hill. Though it was ultimately mechanical failure and the conductor's penchant for midday margaritas that did that train in.
Freight authorities speculate that the length and weight of the train exceed regulations, making the hill an impassible obstacle. When reached for comment, the sentient train alleges that they (the train identifies as trans-continental), requested the help of various locomotives running on the parallel track to no avail.
"The first train I asked was a big cargo train who claimed that he was carrying gas and coal and couldn't risk such vital resources helping me up the hill. The second train that came along was a huge Amtrak train who stated that he could help, but it would take him 3 more hours than should be necessary to get me up the hill. I declined."
The situation seemed hopeless for the stalled transcontinental, but then they were greeted with a third passing train.
"So this third guy pulls up to me. Super small, little engine train," the locomotive explains.
"He seems like a very nice train, but just super meek. Not just physically, but like mentally too if that makes sense? Like he's the kind of train you just ship whatever in. Case in point, he told me his cargo load consisted solely of manure and factory-rejected marital aids. Just a real sad sack piece of scrap metal."
Desperate to get back on track, *ba dum tss*, the halted cargo liner reluctantly chose to petition the pathetic little engine for help.
"So I'm basically begging this guy for an assist, and he is PANICKED. Clearly no one has ever given him any responsibility of any kind and he can't handle it."
The weak-willed little engine then allegedly went to the caboose and tried to muster some forward momentum up the hill. Quickly, the stuck cargo engine realized it was going to be a losing effort.
"This poor bastard gets behind me and just immediately starts crying. He's putting literally everything he has into moving me and I don't budge an inch. And the whole time he's just muttering to himself, 'I can't. I know I can't, I know I can't, I fucking know I can't.'"
With success an unlikely proposition, the train opts to let the little engine out of his misery.
"I told him that I appreciated the effort and he did such a good job — like I really tried to be nice about it. But he just kept swearing under his breath and saying things like, 'I knew you couldn't. This is why your wife left you Dennis.'"
(The little engine that couldn't is apparently named Dennis).
"By this point he has just completely broken down. I mean literally broken down. One of his wheels came loose, his engine kept making a weird "kerplunk" sound, and a cargo door opened up and spilled manure everywhere. Now I got this sobbing, pathetic little engine who smells like literal shit and I'm just stuck staring up at this hill. Monday's huh?"
The lengthy transcontinental was eventually escorted up the hill successfully by the Amtrak, who had returned after taking longer than a car to get to its destination despite an inherent lack of traffic.
