Onion Audition: Area Man’s Twitter Bio More Aspirational Than Factual
CHAGRIN FALLS, OH — An area man has amended his Twitter biography to be more “reflective of his growing brand,” though many users believe he is overestimating his own sphere of influence.
Mark Horowitz, 33, has changed his bio from “Mugs not drugs,” a reference to his $158/year pottery business on Etsy to the following:
While Horowitz believes this to be an accurate auto-biography if you will, our fact checkers decided to verify each claim.
Thinker - This applies to everyone and it’s still barely true in this case.
JUDGEMENT: TECHNICALLY TRUE
Disruptor - Though he does frequently disrupt PTA meetings demanding gender neutral bathrooms at his 8-year-old daughter’s elementary school, we can’t count that as true systemic disruption. Also with 12 followers he’s barely disrupting the starting lineup of a soccer team.
JUDGEMENT: FALSE
PhD Candidate - He received an incomplete on two introductory courses in Archival Science at the University of Phoenix.
JUDGEMENT: FALSE
Eco-Conscious - Horowitz goes through 5 cans of hairspray a month keeping that floppy quaff of hair perfectly balanced on his forehead below his fedora. He does however recycle the cans, so we’ll call this one even.
JUDGEMENT: IT’S A WASH
Professional Shit Stirrer - As of this writing, Mark Horowitz is a full-time employee of the Cuyahoga County sewage treatment plant. So yes, he is a literal professional shit stirrer.
JUDGEMENT: TRUE
Featured on CNN - Actually true on two occasions. However, he was never a featured guest or expert analyst. One of those times he was interviewed on the street for a puff piece on the emerging trend of men wearing Crocs in urban settings. The other was incidental when cameras caught him in the background of an unrelated shot as he was leaving a gluten-free, vegan pizza shop that just serves bowls of tomato sauce.
JUDGEMENT: TRUE
By and large it seems that Mr. Horowitz’s Twitter bio is indeed more aspirational than factual, with kernels of truth sprinkled throughout.
And while we applaud his effort to be trans-inclusive, it doesn’t seem as if Horowitz understands how gender pronouns work. That last one is an adverb.
Finally, when reached for comment on this article, Horowitz asked only that we include a link to his pottery business, as “$158/year isn’t enough to cover a $3700/month studio apartment rent in Williamsburg.”
You can view that store here: It’s definitely not a link to a t-shirt company this author and his roommate Slick run on the side.
