Onion Audition: 10 local professionals share their recipes for success
January is the month where people take stock of their life, reflect on the year that was, and decide what they want their life to look like this time next year. Some people go hard at the gym for 2 days before overexerting every muscle in their body, realizing exercise sucks, and just accepting the shorter lifespan. Others try to diet for 2 days before realizing they have an unfinished pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer then going into a shame spiral of eating that leaves them fatter than they were before they made a resolution to lose weight. And some choose to focus on advancing their careers. In service of the latter, I decided to talk to 10 local professionals and get their top secret recipes for success to help you make 2023 the year of professional growth. Let’s see what they had to say.
1. Get to work on a side hustle
“Side hustles are essential to ensuring financial stability and success. I went from making $30K/year as a high school janitor to making $100K as a high school janitor who sells oregano to teenagers and tells them it’s weed. It’s good oregano too, not the Stop n’ Shop shit. I get it at the farmers market.”
- Dave Mankavic, Janitor
2. Find an appropriate work/life balance
“It can be tough to ‘have it all’ so to speak. You want to advance in your career, but there’s only so much time in the day when you have a family waiting at home. That’s why I abandoned my family at a Quiznos in Debuque, Iowa. Now it’s just work, no life. I’m more productive than ever!”
- Stephanie Newport, Stockbrocker
3. Create that “special sauce”
“Start with 2 Tbsp olive oil in a large nonstick pot. Sauté 3 cloves of thinly chopped garlic until just starting to brown. Add the tomato paste and stir to combine. Pour in 3 cans of whole San Marzano tomatoes. Cover, let simmer for 30 minutes or so, and top with fresh basil.
- Tommy Gianlucca, Italian-American
4. Emulate other successful people
“The easiest way to start being successful is by copying the habits of other successful people. There was this guy I knew, Richard Miller. Small business owner, did really well for himself. Died under super mysterious circumstances after someone swiped a bunch of his financial information. Really weird, sad situation.
- Richard Miller, Small business owner
5. Do whatever it takes to get a foot in the door
“I was having a tough time getting noticed by my dream company. So I built a large wooden horse, hid inside, and had it sent to their headquarters as a gift. Once night fell, I jumped out and ransacked the entire office. Think they notice me now?!”
- Panayiotis Papadopolous, Software developer
6. Take a mental health break
“Mental health breaks are fundamental to my success. Every few months, I’ll quit my meds cold turkey, stop going to therapy, and completely derail my usual routine. I spiral down QUICKLY. This gives me an opportunity to build back up and rediscover my passion for life and success all over again!”
- Andrea Duke, Neurosurgeon
7. Change your definition of success
“If your definition of success is Bill Gates, then you’re always going to be striving for an unreachable goal. For me, I choose to redefine success as whatever my present circumstances are. Now I’m always successful and never have to work towards anything.”
- Mikey “X-Factor” Xaverius, Little known Twitch streamer
8. Wake up earlier
“Early in my career, it seemed like there were never enough hours in the day. So I developed a crippling panic disorder that wakes me up promptly at 3:15 each morning. With a pool of sweat to help glide me out of bed and persistent, worsening thoughts forcing me to keep my mind perpetually occupied, I’ve unlocked a whole new level of productivity!”
- Rebecca Montgomery, Trial attorney
9. Make your own coffee in the morning
“This might seem silly, but it’s a great way to save a few bucks and start your day right. Just this morning I brewed a fresh pot of my favorite Starbucks dark roast, walked over to my neighbor’s house, threw it in his face, then raided his garage for valuables. Now I own a partially-restored Miata and a Goodfellas pinball machine. He’s got some cool stuff in there.”
- Thomas Evans, Forensic accountant
10. Get out in nature
“Always try to take an hour a day to unplug and get out in the real world. Go for a hike with friends. Find a local bike path to explore. Take a walk in the woods, then deviate from the trail into a muddy area that’s sure to leave footprints. Drop your water bottle on the ground, shattering it against a jagged rock. Whoops, guess you need nature to quench your thirst. Walk over to the river that’s especially full and powerful this year on account of all that rain we got back in April. ‘Accidentally’ tear a piece of your shirt on a rogue tree branch. Abscond to your pre-determined safe house — somewhere no one would ever think to look. Place an anonymous call to local authorities about a woman you saw wander off into the woods in a daze. They’ll investigate and find the remnants of your belongings. Your footprints will lead them to the river bed. Knowingly, two of the investigators will look at one another, both remembering the two fisherman that the river swallowed up last year. After a few days, they’ll call off the search. A few days after that, you’ll be declared legally dead. The insurance company will have no recourse but to pay out your life insurance policy. A policy that pays out to a secret account. An account that’s owned by you.”
- Natasha Roberts, Marketing Manager
